 |
Sincere, authentic apologies are almost as uncommon
as forced, socially-influenced apologies are common. |
The other day, I read an interesting article online about something that you almost never read about... someone extending a
sincere APOLOGY for one's own negative actions in conjunction with an authentic acknowledgement of the damage those actions had caused others.
Now I know what you are probably thinking right now. "Are you kidding, JJ?" People apologize every day for all sorts of things because politically correct supervisors and social media mobs threaten to cancel them if they don't cave to their demands.
Good point; I see what you mean.
But that's not the kind of apology I'm talking about. I'm not referring to socially-driven, politically correct, forced apologies. I'm talking about apologies that authentically come from within and are motivated by genuine guilt engendered in the mind, heart, and soul of an offending party. THAT is the kind of apology that you almost never hear anything about in the news, and mainly because it is so rare!
The offending party in this case was a woman who had trolled a number of high profile persons online. She had tweeted terrible things about them that had deeply hurt many people. At some point along the line, and in concert with being called out by some of those who had been the most saliently abused by her words, this woman had a "Come to Jesus" moment whereby she, like the Prodigal Son in the
Good Book "Came to Herself" and realized with great clarity what a complete and cruel jerk she had been to so many over the course of several years' time.
Now... maybe this woman's apology is sincere and authentic; and maybe it is just effectively articulated in an effort to restore her own reputation and rebuild her own social status. I recognize this reality. Nevertheless, for the sake of this article, we are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume the purest of motives on her part.
For about two weeks, this avid social media troll was uncharacteristically silent online. Then, she tweeted out one of the most sincere, heartfelt, and honest apologies I have ever heard or read. In doing so, she did not attempt in any way to rationalize or justify the minutest iota of her behavior. She did attempt to explain it, but in doing so, she exposed and then self-excoriated her own immaturities and insecurities in the process. In short, she simply told the truth: she had been an absolute monster to others, and she deeply regretted her actions. She followed her apology up with a sincere commitment to only publish positive messages about others in the future.
That commitment was important because true restitution for wrongdoing requires a cessation of the sin.
I do not personally know this person, and although she is obviously well-known enough to have been highlighted by a major news outlet, I had never heard of her before reading this apology of hers. Her actions, of course, will speak louder than her words moving forward. Nevertheless, I was sincerely touched by the authenticity, sincerity, and penitent nature of her apology. It seemed about as legit as you can get using words alone. As a result, I found my heart softening somewhat toward her—despite the mountain of mean-spirited things she had clearly done in the past. In my mind I found myself saying to myself: "Good for her! Everyone deserves another chance, especially if they are willing to humbly (and metaphorically) immerse themselves in sackcloth and ashes in a good-faith commitment to changing their behavior in the future."
"None of us are perfect."
"I know I am not!"
In fact, I have even offered up my share of apologies for my own flawed behavior in the past. I even used to have a bad habit of apologizing too much, an outgrowth of my OCD-influenced religious scrupulosity. Any thought, speech, or action can become imbalanced if we are not careful, informed, experienced, and wise. The problem with apologizing too much is that an apology—like gold or diamonds—begins to lose its value if it becomes overabundant. In other words, apologizing can start to appear inauthentic, insincere, or even self-serving (as in my own case with OCD) if you are always apologizing.
Nevertheless, there are unquestionably times in life when all of us owe a sincere and authentic apology to an individual or group that we have hurt or let down. For me, the most common place I apologize is in my own home. As much as I value my wife and children, and as important as I believe the role of husband and father are, I am human just like everybody else. That means that sometimes I get frustrated, lose my cool, and then say or do things that are unkind. When that happens, I've found that the second best thing I can possibly do to remedy the situation is to acknowledge my own shortcoming and sincerely apologize. And the best thing I can do is, of course, to actually do better in the future. Actions always speak louder than words. Nevertheless, words are a form of action, and an authentic apology is therefore often a good place to start.
A key component of
Stage 2 of the
SAL Model involves
rectification. According to the
SAL Textbook, Volume 2:
"Rectification involves recognizing and admitting when and where you erred, feeling and expressing genuine remorse for the damage your errors may have caused, doing your best to repair any damaged relationships (including apologizing to anyone who may have been hurt by your behavior), fixing or replacing anything that was damaged or lost (insofar as possible), committing to change—and then actually changing. In the case of legal infractions, you will also need to pay your debt to society according to the just demands of the law" (p. 122).
Since none of us are perfect, we all have need to rectify our thoughts, speech, or actions when they are out of tune with Natural Law or otherwise harm other people or things. Sincerely apologizing to those we have hurt is a key component thereof.
Is there anyone you have disrespected, mistreated, or hurt recently. If you are a human being like me, it probably won't take much effort to identify such a person, and chances are good you won't have to go outside your own inner family and/or work circle to identify a golden opportunity to apologize to them. I challenge you to do so. I promise you that doing so will, in almost every case imaginable, actually improve your relationship with that person.
Sometimes we avoid apologizing because we fear it will make us look weak. In reality, it takes enormous inner strength, security, and confidence to sincerely apologize—and the other person knows it. As such, other people will almost universally respect and trust you more
after you apologize than they did
before your offense against them, especially if your offense was minor and your actions demonstrate a good-faith effort to do better in the future.
What do you have to lose?
Try it today!
And then keep practicing it as needed for the rest of your life. Your life will be infinitely better if you will incorporate this one habit in your relationships with others.
-Dr. JJ
June 30, 2021
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
Author's Note: This is the 218th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013.
Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 217 FF Blog Articles.
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