Chapter 4
A Rocky Road of Romance
Sometimes with One I Love
Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with ragefor fear I effuse unreturn'd love,
But now I think there is no unreturn'd love,
the pay is certain one way or another,
(I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return'd,
Yet out of that I have written these songs.) (1)
—Walt Whitman
The story that unfolds is more about failure than it is about romance, marriage, or success.
It's about my many failures in this area of my life—with one indispensable and glorious success at the end.
Failure
One of the biggest cultural misnomers and myths about successful people is that they do not fail.
In some—and perhaps many—cases, the exact opposite is true.
Indeed, the more successful a person is, the more likely it is that they have faced their share (or likely more than their share) of failures along their pathways to success. The reason they eventually became highly successful is because they kept trying, learning, persisting, and enduring after each failure until they eventually reached their goal(s).
To illustrate this phenomenon, consider the legendary basketball player, Michael Jordan, who many—myself included—consider to be the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) in his sport.
I grew up watching Michael Jordan play basketball from a distance on television. I greatly admired his outlying skills and talents. He was the paragon of competitive excellence, grit, resilience, and toughness in his sport. As a young aspiring basketball player myself, I was greatly inspired by Jordan. Moreover, the greatest compliments I ever received on the playground came in the form of my young friends associating our two names in the same sentence together after I had made an especially tough shot or completed an unusually impressive play.
If these offensive stats are not impressive enough for you, consider the fact that Jordan also won the NBA's Defensive Player of the Year in 1988 and was an All-Defensive NBA First Team selection a mind blowing NINE (9) times—a feat attained by only three (3) other players in history (Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and Gary Payton).
In other words, Jordan was not just a great basketball player.
He was also a complete and well-rounded basketball player.
Of the 5,000 basketball players who have played in the NBA throughout its eight (8) decade history, there are only a handful of players that come even close to Michael Jordan's lofty stats. And that is to say nothing of the millions of other talented basketball players who played in high school or college, but never made it to the NBA.
Virtually all educated adults know who Michael Jordan is because of the legendary mark he made on the game of basketball. What many people do not know, however, is that Michael Jordan experienced many failures leading up to his eye-popping successes.
Later, after he entered the NBA, it took him SEVEN (7) full seasons before he won his first team championship.
During his first six seasons, he faced all kinds of challenges and adversity, including a serious injury that caused him to miss most of his second season and repeated playoff series' losses to teams like the Boston Celtics (Twice: 1986-1987) and the Detroit Pistons (Thrice: 1988, 89, and 90).
In other words, Michael Jordan—and his team—did not just easily or magically rise to the top of basketball's proverbial "Mount Rushmore." He—and they—had to climb, claw, and will himself—and themselves—to it over a long period of time.
Toward the end of the 1990s, after Jordan had won SIX (6) NBA Championships, he appeared in a commercial for the shoe company, Nike, wherein he shared a fascinating string of facts about his career up to that point.
Said he:
And that is why I succeed"
—Michael Jordan
I love this quote.
More importantly, I can relate to Michael Jordan's experiences in my own life, career, and relationships.
If you get back up each time you fall, keep trying, and never give up, temporary failures become building blocks of great and lasting successes. This is good news because temporary failure is an absolutely inevitable part of life—for everyone.
No one is exempt from its painful clutches.
In the words of self-leadership scholars, Alan Boss and Henry Sims, Jr.:
"To live is to experience failure. There appears to be no way around it. Sooner or later, everyone fails. Some failures are small and private ... other failures are larger and more public ... [but] all of us experience failure many times in our lives. Some fail miserably and get over it quickly, while others let it completely take over their lives. However, failure is not a permanent state, and there are actions that can facilitate recovery. In particular, individuals who are adept at emotion regulation and self-leadership create their own opportunity to emerge from failure and return to a state of recovery." (2)
Mental Illness in Context
As you traverse my dating travelogue below, keep in mind the parallel influence that OCD was wielding on all aspects of my life during the same time period. This is a vital variable to consider within a context of both my dating and social life and my career journey. Thus, my decision to place the OCD chapter first—before the romance and career chapters—was done intentionally and contextually.
My experiences with OCD as a teenager and young adult greatly retarded my dating and social growth and maturation. Add to this fact and reality my choice to serve a full-time mission for my Church—wherein my dating life was stunted entirely for two additional years—and it becomes easier to understand why I struggled as much as I did.
Though I may have literally been in my early twenties when I returned home from my mission, my age in terms of dating and social maturation was more aligned with that of a teenager ten years younger—as evinced by my many puerile gaffes, faux pas, and failures leading up to meeting, courting, and marrying Lina.
This disclaimer is not meant to cast OCD, anxiety, and depression as a categorical scapegoat for my many social missteps and dating distresses. Doing so would be lazy and inaccurate. Obviously, it's a lot more complex than just that, and involved a variety of different variables. Nevertheless, mental illness was unquestionably one of the major elements influencing my decision-making at the time.
Captivated by Romance
In more ways than one, and sometimes to my chagrin, I have never really been a Casanova or Romeo.
Despite this fact, I have always been captivated by romance and enamored by the feminine—and especially so as a young man. From the early days of my elementary education on up through college—and beyond—I have always been deeply interested in and fascinated by the attractiveness, disposition, mystique, nature, and personalities of the sex opposite my own.
As I reflect back on the many, varied, and extraordinary experiences I have had throughout my interesting and colorful life, I'm not sure there is anything in the universe more holistically desirable, exciting, fascinating, pleasurable, satisfying, or fulfilling as mutually reciprocated ROMANCE. Moreover, I don't think there is anything in the world more lovely, picturesque, or scintillating than a girl or woman who is as good as she is beautiful, and as beautiful as she is good.
Indeed, I have always been deeply attracted to this kind of true and authentic feminine beauty.
To meet and mingle with a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and virtuous ranks among the most sublime experiences that life has to offer. And that is to say nothing of romance. When appropriate, virtuous, and mutually-reciprocated romance is added to the mix, Heaven itself is attained.
At least that has been my experience.
As a famous English poet—Robert Browning—once succinctly surmised:
All the breath and the bloom of the year in the
Bag of one bee:
All the wonder and wealth of the mine in the
heart of one gem:
In the core of one pearl all the shade and the
Shine of the sea:
Breath and bloom, shade and shine—wonder,
Wealth, and—how far above them—
Truth, that's brighter than gem,
Trust, that's purer than pearl—
Brightest truth, purest trust in the universe—
All were for me
In the kiss of one girl. (3)
—Robert Browning
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| Lina and me the night of our first kiss. MARTA Train Atlanta, Georgia February 24, 2007 |
"Have you ever properly been in love?"
In light of the heavy and often politically-charged topics he typically tackled on his program, I found that this oft-repeated question provided a clever counterbalance and a spritely spate of spirit and spice to his show.
As I have pondered Piers' question in my own life, I have come to the conclusion that I have been in love countless times throughout my life; but, I have only properly been in love ONCE—and that was (and is) with a woman named Lina Marie (née Tucker) Jensen—my wife since 2008.
First a stranger, then an acquaintance, followed by a friend, best friend, girlfriend, fiancé—and eventually my wife and lover; I am very much properly in love with Lina, and aim to keep it that way for the rest of this life and throughout all eternity.
Browning's poem recalls to memory the first kiss I shared with Lina—and countless subsequent ones.
This chapter chronicles the long and difficult journey that led me to this remarkable woman: my best friend, closest confidant, my only sweetheart, (3a) and the precious and priceless love of my life.
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| Lina and JJ in front of their home Palm Beach Gardens, Florida 2022 |
Why?
Because despite my continual cogitations and heart throbbings over the years regarding the kind of woman I wished to someday marry, Serendipity ensured that Lina had characteristics, qualities, and talents either beyond or better than what I had imagined.
To me, that is nothing short of a miracle.
Simply stated, Lina is an extraordinarily good fit and match to handle the mess that is me.
As a boy, pre-teen, teenager, and young man, I was as interested in girls—and later women—as any other boy—and later man—my age, and perhaps a lot more than my average peer.
I was not necessarily "Girl Crazy" in the colloquial sense of that phrase; but I did take enormous interest—both personally and philosophically in this subject of subjects—including the many different subjects of my admiration and attraction over the years leading up to meeting and marrying Lina.
Aside from my interest in and attraction towards the physical (outer) beauty of girls—and later women—I was, from a young age, exceedingly enamored by the concept and reality of the metaphysical (inner) beauty of females as well.
To wit: I will never forget the eloquent words of the narrator from his opening monologue in Disney's 1991 animated film: Beauty and the Beast:
"She warned him not to be deceived by appearances; for beauty is found within." (4)
I was further attracted to the character and personality of the film's protagonist because I strongly related to Belle's passion for books, thirst for knowledge, and yearning desire for achievement, adventure, romance, travel, and personal growth.
As this Disney Princess fictionally frolicked through the animated meadows of France, I felt as though she was singing out the very real desires of my young mind and heart far across the Atlantic and North American Continent in the middle of the hot and arid atmosphere of the Arizona desert.
Cue music...
"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell.
And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand,
I want so much more than they've got planned...
I want much more than this provincial life." (5)
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| Knights, chivalry, bravery, nobility of action, Robin Hood, King Arthur, Camelot... I was entranced by it all. |
From an early age I was deeply entranced with and giddily enamored by the legends of King Arthur and Robin Hood and all of their classical accoutrements, such as: knights, archery, bravery, chivalry, nobility of action, romance, swordplay, and the utopian concepts and tenets of Sherwood Forest and Camelot.
In 1998, after graduating from high school and before leaving for my 2-year full-time mission, I even wrote and co-directed a full-length original play for 5th and 6th graders at the local elementary school in my hometown.
It was entitled: Chivalry Isn't Dead.
ROMANCE, including courtship and marriage, was always the pinnacle of any and/or all other visions, missions, and goals for me. More than anything else in the universe, I was driven by my QUEST to win the heart of yon fair, good, intelligent, talented, and virtuous lass.
SHE—whoever she was—was always the subject of my heart's deepest desire, passion, mission, and vision, and I spent countless moments daydreaming about and otherwise formulating in my mind and heart a holistic picture of the kind of woman I wanted to someday marry.
For me, the glory and majesty of observing both inner and outer beauty within the same girl or woman was, is, and always will be celestial beyond description. Such magnificent physical and metaphysical phenomena is something worth living for, and if necessary, dying for.
As my wonder and desire for such wonders grew, so did my penchant for penning poetry on the subject.
Thus, in time, I began musing on the matter through my verse.
SonnetUnveils far MoreThe pure unsullied sweetness in her face,Unveils far more than just mere pulchritude.Her every movement filled with perfect grace,Hides inner beauty most have never viewed.The eye itself so poorly judges light,And oft ensnares mere senses in its grasp,Rewarding far too much on simple sight,Ignoring all that's held in a soul's clasp.But when her inner majesty's revealed,To one who recognizes Godly grace,'Tis like a vision of a pure gold field,Enriching outer beauty in her face.Alas, my most rewarding quest shall be:To find her grace and share eternity.
There seemed to be no end to the inspiration of my muse when it came to beautiful and virtuous women, romance, and personal leadership. Perhaps an unorthodox trio of interests, longings, and musings—nevertheless, that is how it has always been for me, and is what led to the publication of my poetry anthology—Psalms of Life—in 2012, as well as this comprehensive Life Leadership textbook.
Click HERE to read Psalms of Life the revised, updated, and complete text online.
Click HERE to buy an original hard copy of Psalms of Life.
In college, I started writing romantic poems to and about women I found especially attractive (inside and/or out). In some cases, I was transparent about my authorship of a poem, and sometimes apprised the recipient of my romantic interest and/or intentions.
In other cases, I was, for various reasons, less willing to disclose my identity—and would therefore anonymize my work with the pen name, Jackson Thomas, which is where I derived my nickname—JACK—as I am known to many of my close colleagues and friends.
Click HERE to read From Whence Cometh Jack?
Despite my deep and powerful feelings on the subject, I was painfully prone to failure in the actual arena of romance. Indeed, the gap between theory or longings and practice or results in this life arena proved to be a glaring chasm for most of my life leading up to Lina.
With the exception of fifth grade—the girls loved me in fifth grade, before OCD invaded my life—and Lina's and my exclusive dating relationship and later marriage, I had very little additional success in the realms of romance.
My exceeding passion for love and romance—in conjunction with my OCD—made these failures all the more unpleasant and distressing. This toxic cocktail of amorous emotions and abnormal psychology led to some of the most agitating adversity and piercing pain I ever experienced.
On the flip side, the agony induced by my many misadventures in the romantic realm produced some of the most ambitious, committed, and focused Self-Action Leadership (SAL) and Self-Action Research (SAR) I've ever undertaken. In fact, I attribute a sizable share of my life's overall growth and success to the life lessons I learned from girls and later women who rejected me—and the "pangs of despised love" (6) that accompanied those rejections.
I further credit much of my preparation to compose this comprehensive Life Leadership textbook to these relational difficulties, which were always opportunities for education and growth disguised as disappointing failures.
The balance of this chapter will describe and explain how these failures and disappointments—in conjunction with my tireless efforts to transcend them—helped germinate the all-important seeds of success that eventually evolved into courtship and marriage with Lina...
An achievement I view as the single greatest accomplishment of my life.
Falling Hard
A female cousin of mine once confided to me that she found it difficult to "Fall in Love."
As a young, idealistic, and incredibly ambitious, visionary, and passionate poet in my mid-twenties, I could not relate! Nay, that is too weak; my cousin's confession was utterly baffling to me because I was almost constantly experiencing the exact opposite experience emotionally.
Moreover, this proneness to infatuation and love went way back into my past. Indeed, from my earliest grade school memories—I'm talking about kindergarten and first grade—nary a year passed without my being deeply in love (infatuated) with one or more girl—and later woman.
To wit: when I was in fourth grade, there were too many fourth and fifth grade students in existing classrooms. This led administrators to form a new 4th-5th grade combination class.
The 4th and 5th grade teachers at the school were tasked with selecting 4-5 of their students to join the newly formed combination class. I was one of the students chosen to leave my class and join this combination class.
I cried over my teacher's decision; not in front of my peers, of course, but at night in my bedroom the day before I entered the new class.
Why?
Because my newly discovered crush, T——, would no longer be in my class.
I know, I know... it's a little embarrassing to admit that I actually cried over it; but it's true!
I'll never forget the time when T——'s and my eyes met and briefly locked catty corner across the lunch table one day before I joined the combination class. To this day—nearly four (4) decades later—I can still see her face and recall the way I felt as though it had happened yesterday.
As long as I live, I will never forget that moment T—— and I shared.
It was three (3) of the most magical seconds I have ever experienced—before or since!
In the words of a famous British crooner: "We shared a moment that will last to til the end." (6a)
But alas, I had no choice but to move on to my new class.
It came as a crushing blow to my young heart, at least at first. But, resilient (and normal, pre-OCD) lad that I was, I recovered quickly and soon had another crush on an older, more mature woman named L——. She was a big 5th grader in my new combination class.
L—— was so adorable and lovely that I almost forgot about T——!
I had many such experiences throughout my growing up years. Nothing significant ever arose from any of them; but, I'll never forget the power of the accompanying emotions, many of which left indelible marks on my young heart and soul that will never be entirely erased.
My father and mother were both hopeless romantics, so I suppose I inherited a double dose of the "romance gene." Moreover, I was further influenced mimetically by the examples of both my parents.
Such proactive romantic efforts by my father left further indelible impressions on my young mind and heart that would influence my own approach to romance for the rest of my life.
My mother was similarly romantic, and always strived to love and serve my father in conjunction with taking pride in her outer appearance and figure. Mom also raised me on the old musicals, where love was perpetually in the air and on the lips of Hollywood's gorgeous and classical crooners.
Mom, who had a background in theater and drama, would have made a fine and elegant Queen in a any romanticized medieval court or play; and Dad's first name was Rex, which in Latin means King.
When Dad proposed marriage to Mom back in 1966, he employed the phrase: Will You be my Queen?
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The journal binder where I keep the letters I wrote to my "Future Wife," totalling 30 letters across 75 handwritten pages composed between October 2004 - September 2006. The last letter was dated September 20, 2006, four (4) days after I met Lina. |
My first crush came at age four or five, and I believed—of course—that I would someday marry her.
From this tender age, my daydreams about romance and marriage were many and varied. Later, my OCD made it almost impossible for me to like any girl or woman without viewing her obsessively as my future wife, an affliction which greatly complicated the dating process!
As a young adult in my mid 20s, I composed dozens of letters and scores of pages—many of them handwritten—to my "Future Wife."
Throughout elementary school, junior high school, high school, college—and beyond, I can't remember a school year without falling prey to at least one captivating crush. I was continually falling in love, and the falling usually occurred fast—sometimes at first sight—and hard.
Thus it was that I once penned...
She WasShe was...An angelic figure of embryonic divinity,A guileless goddess of perfect pristinity,My unmatch'ed match throughout all infinity...This girl that I met just today.
I was so prone to falling in love easily and quickly that I once became infatuated with a young woman I had never even seen or met. I found her attractive simply by what others had said about her—in conjunction with a single phone call, where I was immediately entranced by the sound of her voice, which I found to be enchanting.
Being thus aurally enamored, I wrote:
The Beauty of Her VoiceAlthough I've never seen her face,Her voice is sweet as honey,It speaks refinement and pure grace,That can't be bought with money.'Tis 'mazing how her tone enchantsMy soul and heart and mind,The lovely sound for me implantsHope that my eyes might find...Her face and form and outer light,And with that meet and mingle.Then listen to her voice so bright,My ear for her is single!Yes hope and words and inner spirit,All proclaim her golden worth.And when her sweet voice I hear it,My am'rous heart is filled with mirth!
Unfortunately—or fortunately; depending on how you look at it—my passion for romance conspired with my OCD and homely-lanky adolescent looks to make it virtually impossible to win the heart of any of my crushes.
This is not to say I didn't try...
But it was a long time before I had any significant success.
Nevertheless, failure in romance never stopped me from falling in love and giving it a shot!
The adventure and adrenaline rush of putting myself out there always seemed to be worth whatever embarrassment, failure, humiliation, and rejection I experienced along the way.
After I graduated from high school, I served a 2-year full-time mission for my church, where I was not allowed to hug, much less date or kiss a woman. Then, after traversing through this veritable dating desert, I was thrust headlong into a land flowing with milk and honies—tens of thousands of single ladies in between the ages of 18-30—all residing in close proximity to me throughout the valleys in between the Wasatch Front and the salty lakes of northern Utah.
For someone who had always found it easy to fall in love, it was absolutely, positively, breathtakingly intoxicating—especially at first when I was still "fresh off the plane" from my missionary service. It took me a while to adjust to this august avalanche of attractiveness ever emanating forth from such a delightful deluge of dames.
In the midst of this, my scintillating and spellbound euphoria, I often wondered how in the world I would ever meet and date them all!
In theory, it was a good problem to have, and I enjoyed some delightful adventures chastely going out with as many young ladies as I could. Interestingly enough, one of the benefits of being serially rejected was that the door of opportunity to meet new and different women was essentially revolving for me, thus allowing me to meet ever more of them.
It was an adventurous, educational, interesting, and magnificent journey that afforded me the opportunity to meet and mingle with some truly remarkable and gorgeous female human beings.
In practice, however, it was simply more than I could handle, and as the record will demonstrate, I did not find any lasting success until I had moved away from the Mecca—nay, the ocean—of available Latter-Day Saint women and into a far smaller pond of potential dating partners.
It was in just such a pond—amidst the lush verdure and ever-expanding kudzu of Atlanta, Georgia—that I would eventually swim across the finest fish of them all...
My dearest and only sweetheart:
Lina
Marie
Tucker.
But before we get to my one lasting success, let's recount my preceding failures.
JJ's Dating Record
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| JJ as "Robin Hood" Dressed in forest green and black tights for an 18-couple group date. Monticello, Utah. August 1, 1998 |
Influenced by the examples of my older brothers and their friends, my own buddies and I planned a variety of different group dates in high school and before I left on my church mission. Some of these events blossomed beyond casual get togethers and morphed into elaborate homespun "productions," some of which were even themed (e.g. Robin Hood, Mission Impossible), and involved up to 18 couples and a lot of planning and preparation.
I was usually the head planner and executive director of these events.
After my mission, I continued to go on some group and/or double dates, but I also began pairing off more regularly.
"Blind" dates were my specialty because the parents, grandparents, and aunts or uncles of young women were almost always more excited about me taking out their daughters than the daughters were about being taken out by lanky ole' me.
Indeed, it was not uncommon for me to be approached by adults who were determined their precious miss deserved a chance to go out with JJ.
If the women themselves had been as enthusiastic as their parents, I would have been able to select my bride in much the same fashion as Prince Charming in Disney's Cinderella.
Alas, I was living in the 21st century and very few women perceived me as anything even remotely resembling a Prince.
Thus, I was left to maneuver and meander my way through the deserts of dating reality.
And however hardy those beautiful Desert Flowers may have been in and of themselves, they were never interested this intrepid traveler beyond a small handful of dates.
Many of my dates both before and after my church mission were one-and-done deals. There were a couple dozen women I took out more than once, and another dozen-or-so whom I went out with 3, 4, 5... on up to as many as 10 or 11 times.
But without fail, most of them eventually lost interest along the way, and I was left to continue my trek through the unforgiving sandy and scorching trails of my dating Sahara.
Of all these relationships, only one ever progressed to official "Girlfriend" status; and she dumped me after only one week of dating.
I know...
It's embarrassing!
According to my personal dating journals, between age 16 and the day I got married a few weeks shy of my 29th birthday, I went on 746 dates with 134 girls (pre mission) and/or women (post mission). Seventy percent (70%) of those dates were with Lina—my wife-to-be. That means the other 220 dates were shared with 133 girls and/or women—an average of only 1.7 dates per person.
During this same span, I was rejected 130 times by 80 different gals.
That's a lot of REJECTION!
Why the mismatch in numbers?
I was not shy about being persistent if I felt the gal was worth the pursuit and a couple of them shut me down upwards of 10 times a-piece.
I was, admittedly, too persistent at times, and would definitely approach some situations differently if I could repeat my steps. But I always learned from every new experience I encountered.
My use of the term "rejection" above refers to one of two things: Rejection in the First Degree and Rejection in the Second Degree.
Rejection in the First Degree occurred when a woman declined to go on a first date with me. This up front, in-your-face variety of rejection only happened thrice. Thus, 98 of the 101 females I went out with were kind enough to say "Yes" to at least a first date.
Rejection in the Second Degree, which occurred the other 97-percent of the time, took place after a gal had already agreed to go on an initial date or date[s] with me, but then declined invitations for additional dates at some point along the way.
I should note here that I wasn't always the one who got rejected.
There were times—albeit far fewer in number—when a woman did show a lot of interest in me, but a lack of physical chemistry on my end made a romantic relationship unrealistic. There were a few really fantastic gals with whom I had this experience, and I always felt bad because they were always good and kind people with much to offer, and I usually genuinely liked them platonically. This reversal of roles was also unpleasant for me because of the empathy I felt for them, which I derived from my own deeply painful and repetitive experiences with rejection.
In other words, I knew a lot about how these women must have felt when I rejected them; and that empathic knowledge and conscious, clear-eyed realization never brought me any joy.
By the way, how is it that I know all these statistics?
It's all part of being an obsessive lifelong journaler!
Dating Woes and Pathological Heartbreak
Whether it was coming on too strong, being a poor listener, taking things too seriously, blowing things out of proportion, arrogance, impatience, over-eagerness, refusal to take a hint, or simply trying too hard, I failed over and over in my efforts to get a girlfriend.
I was so unsuccessful in my romantic overtures that I was a 24 year old college graduate before getting my first kiss.
I was essentially the Latter-Day Saint version of the 40 Year-Old Virgin. (7)
After continually striking out during my college years in Utah, I finally landed my first kiss in Atlanta with a Southern Belle from rural Georgia (bless her heart!). I was hopeful that this long-awaited osculatory opportunity might signal a significant shift in my dating trajectory.
But alas, it was not to be!
My first official girlfriend (my first kiss) dumped me after only one week of being together—and we were apart for five of the seven days in that week!
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| God Bless the Southern States... They (and their gorgeous gals) were good to me. |
Nevertheless, it was encouraging to have taken a positive step forward; and in truth, getting my FIRST KISS was a huge step in the right direction for slow-developing me.
God bless that sweet Georgia Peach!
She may have gone sour on me sooner than I would have liked; but she may never know what a blessing that week-long relationship was in my life—and the positive things it did for my confidence and self-image moving forward.
It felt as though the blessed South was smiling upon me, even if only faintly at first.
For the most part, I was able to rebound from rejection fairly quickly. There were some occasions, however, where I felt so overcome by the mental and emotional fallout that I felt I had no choice but to enter a new and fresh round of psychotherapy.
There were at least three such instances in particular—two before my first kiss and one after—that triggered some of the most clinically severe OCD symptoms and episodes of my entire life.
It was awful.
On all three occasions—for months-on-end—I obsessively brooded over getting rejected, experiencing and enduring some of the most excruciating emotional anguish and mental agony of my life. Remarkably, none of these three women were ever even my girlfriend. The relationships never even progressed to that point. Despite this reality, I was left crestfallen, crushed, and even a bit clinical.
It was pathetic.
It was pathological.
But, they were very real experiences and humdinger stingers that took me a while to recover from.
Along the way, I continued my studies, work, and life as best as I could while inwardly suffering inexplicably intense mental stress and emotional pain. Wordsmith though I am, I find that words alone—no matter how cleverly crafted or precisely placed—are inadequate to fully explicate the mental and emotional agonies I endured. Such duress was almost as severe as the worst of my symptoms the first few years when I was battling OCD without any knowledge of the disorder.
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| It's hard to put into words the pain I sometimes felt between my OCD and romantic woes. Suffice it to say, there were times when I was really struggling inside. |
Let me assure you that I am not exaggerating for effect.
The emotional pain really was that severe—for me.
One of the most important observations I have ever made about life and human beings is that different people suffer varying kinds and degrees of pain when experiencing similar adversities.
What may feel like "water off a duck's back" to one person has the potential to completely crush another, and vice versa. For whatever reasons, the pain of romantic rejection was extra poignant for me, and much more severe than the pain of most other life challenges, including losing loved ones to death—as bizarre as that may sound to some.
I recognize that romantic rejection and/or disappointment, disillusionment, distress, and divorce are things that are difficult for most—if not all—human beings. I am not special or unique in this regard. What makes my case unusual was the intensity of the suffering over "relationships" that never existed in the first place. Remember: I never had an official girlfriend for more than one week until I met Lina—my future wife.
Thus, much of my suffering was over women whom I had never even dated exclusively.
In addition to my mental and emotional health issues, I also struggled with my own inner security.
In my ongoing efforts to be successful in romance, I would often act as confident on the outside as I was insecure on the inside. Sometimes this external charisma, exuberance, bravado, and panache would pave the way for temporary success, only to evolve into embarrassing failures in the long-run.
I was also often egotistical in the way I viewed myself. Indeed, one of my cognitive distortions about reality was my belief that most (if not all) women should be interested in me romantically; if not at first sight, then certainly after a little lively repartee.
While I often was doing something wrong, my view of myself in the realms of romance was a classic case of an "all-or-nothing" cognitive distortion.
Remember Dr. Burns' list of 10 Cognitive Distortions from the previous chapter? (8)
In my troubled mind, I was either the "Great and Mighty JJ"—whom all women should adore—or else I was a homely, lanky, good-for-nothing pariah—that couldn't get a girlfriend to save his life.
One moment I'd feel on top of the world, assuming that any woman that didn't want me must be crazy! The next moment I'd feel like no beautiful and respectable woman could, would, or should desire my company.
Neither extreme was aligned with reality, of course!
I sometimes behaved as if my only pathway to success lay in convincing every woman on the planet to fall in love with me. Considering the enormous amount of progress I have made in this life arena, I can only look back and shake my head in dismay and embarrassment at how immature and narrow-minded my perspectives often were.
As I bumbled on and struggled along my way, I often committed foolish faux pas and other cringeworthy social blunders, some of which are too embarrassing to include in this narrative.
I was also a bridge burner who blindly focused on objectives rather than processes. Along the way, I would allow my own arrogance, impatience, and hurt feelings to ruin the possibility of future prospects with women who rejected me.
My older brother, Joe, once brought this to my attention when he candidly queried: "Jordan, why don't you focus on developing friendships instead of leaving a wide swath of destruction in your path?"
At the time, his means of framing and articulating the question made me laugh out loud. But deep down I knew—even at the time—that his description of my neurotic pattern was accurate, even if it was hyperbolic and painful to admit this truth to myself.
Nevertheless, I gave the matter much thought—and action—from that point onward.
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| I sometimes said and/or did things that caused me and/or others much embarrassment. |
Decades later, it is still hard to stomach some of the memories of my gaffes and miscues. At the time, it was also painful to realize how much I needed to change and grow in order to earn both the processes and results I so deeply desired.
But, the fact was that that is exactly where I was at, and I had to face reality squarely in the face if I ever hoped to improve and grow.
It was not the job of women, my external circumstances, or my luck to change and accommodate me in the midst of my mess; it was my job to change myself and clean up my own clutter and thereby become a desirable partner. I needed the help of both SAL and Serendipity to develop the social and emotional growth and maturity I so desperately needed, but so obviously lacked.
It was during this period of time (my college years and immediately after) when I began to sincerely go to work on myself and exercise the needed SAL to transform myself into the kind of person who would authentically attract the kind of woman I wanted to someday marry.
It was a very painful process involving seemingly endless introspection, self-honesty, failure and rejection—and the pain that often accompanies all of the above. But, because I was willing to look myself in the mirror—warts and all—and then do something about the warts, things gradually started to improve, and I steadily grew into a person capable of attracting a woman like Lina.
Dreams of Rejection
With or without mental illness in the mix, relationship issues have the capacity to bring about some of life's most perplexing, poignant, and painful problems. My OCD, compounded by the regularity of my romantic rejections, further exacerbated this age-old human experience.
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| In more ways than one, and for better or for worse, I have always been a DREAMER. |
Aside from being a visionary man, I am also a dreamer (literally, like in my sleep kind of dreams). In fact, it is very rare for me to not dream when I sleep. Thus, most naps and overnight sleeps are like watching long, detailed, and often tedious full-length movies.
Throughout my adult life, I have had a number of recurring dreams on a variety of different themes involving high school basketball, high school cross-country and track, college studies and graduation, my full-time missionary service, and romance—all things that held great importance for me at various times and seasons of my life.
None of these recurring dreams are pleasant; and all of them always end without a satisfactory resolution.
Leading up to meeting Lina, I often struggled with nightmares that one or another woman was rejecting me. After I began dating Lina, the dreams shifted to Lina rejecting me, which she in reality did—at first. To this day, after nearly two decades of marriage, I still have dreams that Lina and I are dating and we break up—which we in reality did (twice)—before getting back together for good.
Sometimes weeks, months, or even years pass in the dream before I wake up; and all the while I am reliving the pain of separation, the uncertainty of the future, and the ambivalence over what I should (or shouldn't) do in my attempt to win her back.
I always feel grateful when I wake up from these dreams and realize Lina is, in fact, there in bed beside me—and am able to remind and reassure myself that she still loves me and has no intentions of ever leaving.
It would be nice if, in the otherwise relaxing, temporary oblivion of sleep we could escape our psychological demons and truly rest. Unfortunately, that is not always the case for us mortal beings who dwell in this world. I wish I had the answer of how to exorcise these past demons from my present subconscious.
At present, however, I do not!
If I ever figure out how to do so, or if I ever stop having these recurring dreams of failure and rejection, I'll blog about it and let y'all know.
My Quest for Mrs. Right
Looking back, there are THREE (3) key changes (improvements) I made to my character and personality that paved the way for success in my long-term relationship with Lina.
FIRST, I consciously adjusted my personality to be more patient, casual, and relaxed. In short, I took my Grandma Jensen's advice to heart, meaning that I learned—and then practiced—how to act more normally and comfortably around women. (See next section for Grandma Jensen's advice)
SECOND, I learned—and then practiced—PATIENCE, including responding more appropriately and maturely to rejection.
THIRD, I progressed in my career in an attractive manner, meaning I was earning more money and working in a field that was well-suited to my long-term personal proclivities and career objectives and potential by the time Lina and I were engaged.
Along the way, I received some excellent advice—both directly and obliquely—from family members, friends, psychotherapists, church leaders, and others that helped me to accomplish these three worthy and desirable ends.
As my family members observed my issues with OCD and romance from afar, they understandably worried about me. One of my older brothers once suggested to me point blank that maybe there was a reason I wasn't finding more success with women. His painfully obvious implication was, of course, that I was doing something wrong. And he was right; I often was doing one thing or another in a less than ideal manner, actions of which consistently undercut my success.
Another of my older brothers once audibly observed—in my presence—that I would have to find a very "Special Woman" who would be able to handle me and my OCD. He wasn't trying to tease me or be unkind; he was simply making an honest and transparent observation about reality as he saw it.
Such words from my brothers stung.
But I knew that they were right.
Fortunately, I had the common sense to discern the truth in these critiques. Even more fortunately, I had the courage and humility to look myself in the mirror—warts and all—and do something about it.
My "warts" included impatience, poor listening skills, insecurity, a stalled career, and debt—among other cognitive distortions and weaknesses.
Clever Counsel from Grandma Jensen
Leading up to her death in August 2006, I often took time out to visit with my paternal grandmother, LaVerda Barton Jensen, who lived most of her 87 year old life in Monticello, Utah—the town of my birth where I spent 11 of my childhood and teenage years.
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| LaVerda Barton Jensen 1919-2006 |
The two of us spent many hours together visiting and otherwise spending quality time with each other throughout my childhood and early young adult years.
Once, during a visit with Grandma Jensen in the early 2000s, our conversation naturally pivoted to romance and dating. In the process, Grandma gave me some wonderful advice; and she did so in a more diplomatic manner than my brothers. As we chatted, she cleverly cloaked her concern for me in a shrewdly crafted compliment.
Said she: "Jordan: you've just got to not let the girls know how smart you are."
Then, inadvertently channeling 1980s pop star Cyndi Lauper, she added a somewhat flippant remark about how "girls are often silly and just want to have fun."
Far from casting aspersions on the maturation of all young women, what Grandma was really doing was very sensitively laying bare a glaring personality problem of mine—and she most lovingly and astutely cast her counsel in a package full of praise.
I knew Grandma well enough to sense the sincerity in her comment and compliment. She was not merely patronizing me. She really did think I was a highly capable and intelligent young man. However, she was concurrently trying to teach me that I needed to consciously relax, be more easy-going, and act more "normal" in my social interactions with women, especially in the early stages when I was first getting to know them.
Her approach was genius!
Her advice was not lost on me, although I confess it would be a while before it would sink in sufficiently to start bringing me significant romantic success. Nevertheless, in time this wise counsel from Grandma Jensen changed my life and started preparing me to meet and successfully court Lina.
But it wasn't always easy!
Indeed, even after Lina and I had spent a lot of time together, one of her biggest concerns about my personality was that I was "too formal," which was like Grandma saying I needed to loosen up and relax a little in situations that did not warrant a serious demeanor or formal approach. By following Grandma and Lina's advice, I eventually made mountains of progress in tempering my disposition and relaxing my personality—to everyone's benefit, including my own.
I did not change who I was.
But I did soften, refine, and polish who I was.
And in the end, these changes made a BIG difference!
At Long Last... LINA
I met Lina on September 16, 2006, approximately one month after my 27th birthday. She was an 18 year old sophomore in college, although she turned 19 later that month. Having skipped second grade, she was also young for her grade, mature for her age, and very intelligent. Lina was studying mechanical engineering at the Georgia Institute of Technology (Georgia Tech) in Atlanta, Georgia, at the time.
We attended the same Church and first crossed paths at a home party sponsored by Del and Marci Tanner—a lovely couple from our Church.
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| Lina on her 19th Birthday 13 days after we had met in 2006. |
Indeed, just seven (7) days after our first meeting, we both went on a church-sponsored hike to Blood Mountain in the Appalachian foothills of North Georgia, and I was in love by the time we reached the mountain's summit.
If our courtship's trajectory and timeline had been up to me, we would have been exclusively dating within the month, engaged within six months, and married within a year.
In actuality, six weeks went by between our first meeting and our first date. Another four-and-a-half months painfully passed before she was ready to date me exclusively. We then dated for an entire year—minus three weeks when we had broken up (twice)—before she agreed to marry me.
Our engagement lasted another six months before we officially "tied the knot" and consummated our virgin courtship.
So, as is so often the case in life, things didn't progress and flower as quickly or easily as I would have liked them to, but amidst all the ups and downs, Serendipity ultimately smiled on our union. Sealing the deal on a date as auspicious and providential as August 8, 2008—8-8-8—made it seem as though everything had turned out perfectly in the end.
Almost as good as a Fairytale.
In reality, it was even better than a fairytale, and most of all because it was REAL.
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| Best of Friends... Tallulah Gorge, Georgia April 2007 |
Having learned much from my past failures, and fortified with Grandma Jensen's sage advice, I was careful to avoid coming on too strong, moving too fast, or acting too formal or weird.
Instead, I focused first and foremost on developing a friendship with Lina.
And what wonderful friends we became!
However, because I liked her so much, this enforced casualness was often stressful and I suffered terrible symptoms of anxiety, insecurity, and fear of failure in the months leading up to our official dating relationship.
Intense and pervasive, these symptoms took a toll on my body as well as my mind and heart. To wit: that fall I was 6'2" tall and weighed #165 pounds. My lanky frame did not exactly mirror a Hollywood specimen of muscular masculinity to begin with. But by the end of 2006, I had lost 13 pounds and was down to a gaunt 152 pounds.
For much of my life I have had a healthy—even a voracious—appetite. Despite my skrawny adolescent and young adult frame, I could consistently put calories away without any consequences. Friends and cousins were always awed by how much I could eat. All-you-can-eat buffet restaurants were my favorite places to eat growing up, and their profit margins on my meal consumption was often more marginal than most other customers.
One extended family member even dubbed me a "bottomless pit."
However, for the first time in my life, I lost my appetite trying to win Lina's heart. Haunted by all of my romantic failures and rejections of the past, I was terrified Lina would end up being just another lass atop my dustheap of "despised love." This pain and fear of loss increased the more I got to know Lina and the deeper I fell in love with her.
After all, I wasn't getting any younger, and it had become hauntingly evident early on that this was not just any "crush."
This woman was extra special, perhaps the best potential "match" I had ever met.
In addition to my uncharacteristically sallow appetite, my physical vigor and energy was also unusually enervated. For example, during this period of time I found running—one of my life's cherished hobbies and passions—to be such a chore that I stopped running entirely for several months.
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In addition to our first date, we did a lot on and around the Georgia Tech campus during our year-long courtship. Here we are at a basketball game vs. UNC in March 2007. Tech upset the nationally ranked Tar Heels and the crowd (including us) stormed the court in celebration. A wonderful memory! |
Lina and I had been emailing back-and-forth for several weeks and I had casually asked her if she would give me a tour of the Georgia Tech campus.
She accepted and I took her to dinner afterwards.
About a month later, after a couple more dates and a lot more emailing, I decided to make my feelings known. I gave her a poem and a note to read over Thanksgiving break that shared my feelings in a fun-loving way.
A few days later, she wrote me back on email. Her words sliced through my mind and heart like an oh-so-familiar knife:
Jordan,
I have been very flattered by the surprises and compliments you have given me. The attention has certainly made me feel like a special girl. I'm not sure what your intentions are, but I just wanted to make sure we are on the same page. I'm glad that we're friends, and I'm not really looking for anything more.—LinaNovember 28, 2006
OUCH!
This kind of rejection had grown exasperatingly familiar over the years and old habits tempted me to respond immaturely and burn yet another bridge. Aside from my injured pride, which was already black and blue from persistent and repeated beatings in the past, I was also sincerely disappointed because I had come to truly care for this remarkable young woman.
Nevertheless, she had communicated her position clearly—and in a kind and respectful manner—and it was time for me to take the high road. Fortunately, and somewhat uncharacteristically, I managed to pull it all together and do just that.
My congenial email response to her was as follows:
Hey Lina,
Thank you for your email. ... I am glad that you have enjoyed our friendship. I have as well. You are very welcome for all the goodies. I am grateful I was able to do those things for you. And most of all, I really had fun doing it, so I am glad you have enjoyed it as well. Thank you for communicating your desire to just be friends. I am glad to know that we are both on the same page about that. I appreciate you verbalizing your thoughts on the matter.—JordanNovember 28, 2006
While I was not being 100% honest—I really wasn't on the same page as her; I deeply desired to proactively pursue a romantic relationship—I was being 100% appropriate, which, given my history of OCD, despised love, and bridge burning, was actually a huge step forward on multiple fronts!
In fact, I kind of surprised myself by how well I responded to my very real pain and disappointment.
I surprised myself even more by actually backing up my words with uncharacteristic inaction. In other words, I succeeded in not burning a bridge with Lina. From the point of her email onward, I did not push the matter any further. In fact, I stopped proactively emailing her just to demonstrate by deed that my words had been sincere. In my mind, the matter was over and the proverbial "ball" was "in her court" unless she decided to hit it back over the net to me.
Six days later, and somewhat to my surprise, Lina returned the ball by emailing me back.
She wrote:
Hey Jordan,It seems like I haven't talked to you in a while. How's it going? I was able to go to the ACC Championship game on Saturday, and that was pretty exciting. Although we lost, it was an exciting, close game, and it was a fun road trip anyway. We got to sit really close to the field. We were in row L on one of the bottom sections. The only people closer than us were the band and Calvin Johnson's relatives (who we met). It pays to be a student sometimes :)It's definitely exciting that Florida is the SEC Champions. They'll be playing Ohio State in the BCS Bowl, right? That will be a great game to watch.Georgia Tech is playing West Virginia in the Gator Bowl on Jan. 1. We probably won't stand much of a chance to them, but at least we aren't in the Peach Bowl.Are you going home for the holidays? I'll be in Miami for a few weeks. Hopefully it will be warmer than it was this morning. brr! Well, I hope your day is going well. Mine is kind of slow.—Lina
December 4, 2006
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| Lina and me at midfield. Bobby Dodd (football) Stadium Georgia Tech Atlanta, GA January 2007 |
Not only did Lina make the first move, but she seemed to imply that she missed receiving my emails.
Then, even more tellingly, she spent almost her entire email talking about a subject she knew I was passionate about—COLLEGE FOOTBALL—and more specifically, my favorite team, the Florida Gators.
Receiving all of this unexpected positive data all at once sent my mind spinning about the possibilities with this amazing woman I had come to so adore.
However, I quickly reigned in my elation, disciplined my excitement, and began planning a measured response.
While I had made some progress in developing patience in dating, I also knew it would be disingenuous on my part to feign a friendship when I was really hoping and looking for more. So, in my email back, I aimed for a casual, friendly response, but added an invitation to attend a Christmas choral concert at a large and beautiful Baptist church in the area.
To my shock and delight, Lina accepted, saying, towards the end of her email reply:
"I'm definitely interested in going to that musical Christmas concert."
From that point on, I re-engaged my persistence, but continued to temper it with a newly acquired patience that was more mature, attractive, and quite frankly—normal. This was difficult because the anxiety and fear I was experiencing was so intense and because I was so in love with Lina by this point in time.
As a dear friend—and ecclesiastical confidant and counselor—put it: "Jordan: you are in that place in between success and failure, which in some ways is worse than failure."
How right he was!
For better or for worse, I have spent most of my life in this undesirable in between place.
I was very grateful to this particular friend and church advisor, who filled a vital supportive role emotionally and spiritually in my life at a crucial juncture of time when I was off medication, not receiving any formal psychotherapy, and on the other side of the country from most of my family.
During one of our counseling sessions, my leader and friend shared with me Joaquin Miller's famous poem about Christopher Columbus. He did so spontaneously and without knowing of my lifelong love of and passion for poetry.
This remarkable literary work of art and epic history has inspired me ever since, in both my personal and professional life because I have often sailed in uncharted waters bereft of any sight of the shoreline—with only FAITH, HOPE, Serendipity, and a deep inner conviction and self-confidence to buoy me up and fuel my resolve to persist until I succeeded.
Miller's masterpiece was especially encouraging at this unusually angst-ridden and challenging point in my life.
COLUMBUS
Behind him lay the gray Azores,
Behind the Gates of Hercules;
Before him not the ghost of shores;
Before him only shoreless seas.The good mate said: "Now must we pray,
For lo! the very stars are gone,
Brave Adm'r'l speak; what shall I say?"
"Why, say: 'Sail on! sail on! and on!'"
"My men grow mutinous day by day;
My men grow ghastly wan and weak."
The stout mate thought of home; a spray
Of salt wave washed his swarthy cheek.
"What shall I say, brave Adm'r'l, say,
If we sight naught but seas at dawn?"
"Why, you shall say, at break of day:
'Sail on! sail on! sail on! and on!'"They sailed and sailed, as winds might blow,
Until at last the blanched mate said:
"Why, now not even God would know
Should I and all my men fall dead.
These very winds forget their way,
For God from these dread seas is gone.
Now speak, brave Adm'r'l, speak and say"—
He said: 'Sail on! sail on! and on!'"They sailed. They sailed. Then spake the mate:
"This mad sea shows his teeth tonight.
He curls his lips, he lies in wait,
With lifted teeth, as if to bite!
Brave Adm'r'l, say but one good word:
What shall we do when hope is gone?"
The words leapt like a leaping sword:
"Sail on! sail on! sail on! and on!"
Then, pale and worn, he paced his deck,
And peered through darkness. Ah, that night
Of all dark nights! And then a speck—
A light! a light! At last a light!
It grew, a starlit flag unfurled!
It grew to be Time's burst of dawn.
He gained a world; he gave that world
Its grandest lesson: "On! sail on!" (9)
—Joaquin Miller
As I continued to battle the physical and metaphysical demons associated with trying to win Lina's heart, she continued to slowly and gradually tip-toe towards me as opposed to sprinting away from me—as so many other women had understandably done in the past.
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| Lina and I shortly before our first kiss. February 24, 2007 MARTA Train Atlanta, GA |
This is especially true when the crucible persists for extended periods of time.
It took four (4) months from our first date, but on February 24th 2007, we shared our first kiss—a kiss that meant the world to me because of how hard and long I had to work for it; and because Lina had previously communicated to me that a kiss would serve as a tangible token of her interest in and willingness to date me exclusively.
While we both agree that our kisses would get much better in the future, Lina was completely on board with that first kiss and the meaning behind it made it magical enough to never forget!
While my anxiety and fear in the relationship were far from being over, I was temporarily—and from that point on would find myself intermittently—on Cloud Nine (9) being the boyfriend of Lina Marie Tucker!
Hooray!
At age 27, it finally happened for me.
Fifteen (15) days before our first kiss, I opened up to Lina about my OCD for the first time. I knew that if the relationship were to be successful in the long-run I would have to be honest and transparent about my struggles with mental illness.
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| Officially a COUPLE! Here we are outside an elevator at City Hall in Richmond, Virginia, where a city employee had caught us smooching in the elevator and afterward took this picture. March 2007 |
I was worried about how she might respond, and was greatly relieved when it didn't seem to phase her in terms of the news impacting her desire to continue dating me.
One month later, on March 23rd, Lina uttered those precious three words: "I Love You" for the first time.
It happened on our way back from spending spring break down in South Florida where she grew up with her family.
It was a magical moment...
We were all alone on a dirt road in the midst of the beautiful and peaceful rural Georgia countryside with a gorgeous moon shining down upon us.
I had been yearning to tell Lina that I loved her for some time; but, we had communicated about the subject and came to the conclusion that it would be best if I waited until she was ready to take that step.
What a blessed and blissful relief it was when the time finally came that I could profess my love freely and openly to my lovely Lady!
Our week-long foray down south to meet her wonderful parents and younger siblings in Florida was a marvelous trip and a magnificent sign that our relationship was progressing in the direction I so deeply desired.
It is fair to say that by mid-March of 2007, we were both deeply in love with each other—a natural and mutual state of being that certainly aided in overcoming future adversity.
But make no mistake—we would face additional challenges before tying the knot. Indeed, we were still 11 months (and two breakups) away from getting engaged—and 17 months away from the finish / starting line of marriage.
Nevertheless, by this point in time I was unquestionably sailing relatively smoothly upon uncharted waters and it felt incredible.
Since my early teen years, I had held on in faith that someday I would find a great woman, court her, and then marry her. "My day will come," I would continually remind myself.
Like Jacob, I had been preparing myself—and struggling with OCD and romance—for approximately 14 years by the time I began dating Lina, so I really could relate to how Jacob must have felt throughout those long and trying years.
As a teenager and young adult, I had been further inspired by Isaac's wife, Rebecca, and habitually displayed a beautiful artistic rendering of Rebecca assisting Isaac's servant, Eliezer at the well. One of my heart's greatest desire and one of my soul's most important quests was to someday marry a woman as great as Rachel and Rebecca.
The more I got to know Lina, the more convinced I became that she was indeed the caliber of human being that measured up to this admittedly high standard.
After returning home from my 2-year church mission, part of me was eager to begin a serious relationship with a woman immediately. But, like Laban in the Bible, OCD tricked me into working another seven years. But, it was a necessary trick because I was not ready for a serious, long-term romantic relationship until after I had made significant progress in working through my issues with mental and emotional illness.
And that progress took time.
As difficult as this journey through the desert was, I can say without equivocation that it was not only a marvelous adventure—but it was also entirely worth it!
As Jacob's biblical chronicler put it: his years of labor "seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her" [Rachel]. (10)
That is the way I felt about Lina; and I feel it even more deeply and strongly today after nearly two decades of marriage and three children together.
Unlike Jacob, I don't feel this way because the time went by quickly for me; it did not.
I feel this was because the prize of such precious relationships with my wife and children ultimately outshone and outweighed the price in effort, sacrifice, and time.
For me, that price was high indeed.
But the prize was even greater.
There have been many moments throughout the dating (and marriage) process where I have stopped and metaphorically "pinched myself" to realize, appreciate, and fully take in the fact that it is all real.
I'll never forget one moment in particular as I was waving goodbye to Lina one day during out courtship. As she got in her car to drive back to her apartment in downtown Atlanta, I just stood there in wonder and disbelief that I—JJ, who had so often been rejected by so many others—was now the boyfriend of the intelligent, talented, beautiful, and amazing woman who was driving away in her black Hyundai Elantra.
Finally...
It happened for me!!!
Please indulge me as I channel Kelly Clarkson for a brief moment and say: Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. (10a)
One KEY to my success with Lina was learning to be PATIENT with the timing of things. I often had a patience problem with other dating opportunities.
One of my best friends casually pointed this out to me once. Said he: "You know, Jordan, it seems like when you like a woman, you're ready to schedule three or four dates right off the bat."
Much like Grandma Jensen, this kind and diplomatic friend had an effective and euphemistic way of presenting constructive feedback disguised as praise. While seemingly praising me for my decisiveness and drive, he was simultaneously and stealthily suggesting I would be more successful with women if I didn't approach my relationships like a hill I was trying to conquer in a battle—or summit in a race.
By the end of March 2007, I was still a long way from convincing Lina to take an eternal chance on me; but she seemed to really enjoy kissing me and spending as much time together as our busy schedules would permit.
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| On a beach together. Destin, Florida; August 2007 |
Oh, how wonderful romance is when it is authentic, pure, and mutually reciprocated. In all the world, and amongst all the marvelous activities and opportunities available to humankind, I do not think there is anything that can fully equal it.
And oh, how deeply I had fallen in love with my Lina!
For the first—and only—time in my life, I was properly in love.
Despite being mired in fiscal debt, I felt exceedingly rich in both friendship and romance!
A lifetime of pent-up and unrealized romantic effort and energy was now showered lavishly upon Lina. It began with the 12 Days of Christmas in late 2006—when I was still trying to win her over as my girlfriend.
Then, later in 2007 came the 5 Days of Valentines, followed by the 7 Days of Summer, and then the 20 Days of Lina. The first two surprises were filled with my own romantic overtures. The latter consisted mostly of notes of admiration and love from family and friends leading up to Lina's 20th birthday on September 29, 2007.
These formal romantic sentiments included letters, poems, music, gifts, stories, etc.
Here are a few examples:
To My Favorite Floridian...
Key West Florida; March 2007 How sweet, how sure,How tender, how pure,How beautiful inside and out.How unique and rare,How stunningly fair,How fun to learn all about.She's special, she's fun,She's brilliant, she's oneGirl that's captured myFocused attention;And on Christmas day,Though she is far away,I think I might willingly mentionHow this fine womanSomehow has caughtThe heart of this lad—Who now likes her a lot!Merry Christmas! (11)
What a Magician!How is it,That as time goes on,
South Beach; March 2007 I only love my LADYMore, andMore, andMore?
How is it,That the more timeI spend with HER,The more I miss herWhenWe areApart?How is it,That aWoman so beautiful,Can just keep gettingPrettier to me,With every passingGlimpse, andGlance, andStare?I say stare,
South Beach; March 2007 Because ICan't really help it.My eyes catch holdOn her gorgeous face,And sexy form,And I'mEntranced,Transfixed,Submerged...Beneath the spell that HERBeauty andGoodness andIntelligence hasCast upon me.And oh!What aWonderful,Marvelous, andGloriousSpell it is!Truly,What aMAGICIANIsSHE!
At a church activity together in 2007. Inspired by and for my precious girlfriend...Lina Marie TuckerWith all my Love,Jordan Rex (12)
Finest of GirlsI now date the finest of Girls,Who makes my heart do flips and twirls,So proud to be her Sir,I'm so in love with her,Her worth's beyond diamonds and pearls. (13)
Day #1
The 20 Years/Days of Lina
To my Dear, Sweet Lina Marie,Words and gifts alone can never express the love I have for you. Nevertheless, your 20th birthday only comes around once and I want to seize the opportunity to do something extra special for the Woman I love most in the world.In the midst of our courtship, it has become evident to me that I am far from being the only person who loves, respects, and admires you a great deal. As such, I thought it fitting to solicit the thoughts and feelings of others, in addition to my own, who have been so powerfully influenced for good by your beautiful life and inspiring example. Their words will follow in the days to come leading up to your birthday.So sit back, relax, and enjoy the 20 Days of Lina, which will consist of 20 Days of E-mail gifts (like the 12 Days of Christmas) as well as a special surprise on the 21st and 29th.Love,Jordan Rex (14)
...............
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| South Beach with Georgia Tech Friends March 2007 |
For the first eight (8) months of 2006 in Atlanta (prior to our meeting), I had mostly kept to myself as I furiously tried to build my business, get my book published, substitute teach, nanny my cousins, and otherwise get on top of the financial mess I had gotten myself into. Though I was always active in my Church, my social life outside of formal church activities suffered when left to my own devices.
That all changed once Lina and I began seeing a lot of each other. Socially speaking, Lina was both involved and popular, and I became a blessed beneficiary of a vastly improved social life once I was her boyfriend.
It was wonderful, and we had a marvelous time not only spending time together, but also being actively involved in the many friendships we enjoyed through our Church community and Lina's life as a student at Georgia Tech.
A Panic-Ridden Breakup
Then, after six (6) months of mostly blissful dating, and just when things seemed to be going about as well as they could go, our relationship took an unexpected turn for the worse.
There was nothing seriously wrong with our relationship and her feelings toward me had not fundamentally changed. However, she remained uneasy about the age gap between us (8 years), and was unsure of her readiness to commit to marriage—which we both knew was my long-term vision and mission in the relationship.
Lina's unease about our age difference had been there from the beginning. Her three roommates shared her dismay over the fact that they were all 19 and I was 27. In fact, they even coined a nickname for me, which they used to reference me when I was not present.
I was: "Mr. 27."
Apparently I—and the fact that Lina and I were dating—was quite a novelty in that sophomore campus housing!
I'm embarrassed to say that with a little forewarning that the breakup was pending, I panicked, and decided to formally propose marriage as a last ditch Hail Mary pass aimed at salvaging our status as an exclusive pair. Wrought from the throes of mental and emotional fear and desperation, it was a terrible idea—and a pathetic proposal.
I did not even have a ring.
Nor did I have the money to purchase a ring at the time even if I had wanted to.
Rather than change Lina's mind, this ill-advised and desperate plea only made Lina cry—and strengthened her resolve to pull the plug on us. It was a painful reminder that I still had room to grow in breaking bad habits from the past.
Realizing I had only made things worse, I felt terrible to have pressured her in this way. Though our breakup was already inevitable, my foolish move sealed the deal with an embarrassing exclamation mark.
After parting ways that evening from her campus dormitory, I drove home in the dark—literally and metaphorically—my mind blackened, my spirit subdued, my hopes dashed, and my heart broken.
A Harbinger of Hope
As I was suffering the mental fallout and emotional anguish of this heartbreak, a memorable incident took place one day at work.
It was late autumn and all the summer flowers had recently been removed from the flowerbeds for the season. One day I was working on one of the temple's more prominent flowerbeds near the entrance when I overheard a female temple patron visiting with one of my coworkers—who was working in the flowerbed opposite mine.
Disappointed to see the flowerbed bereft of its colorful flora, the woman exclaimed disappointedly: "Oh, all the beautiful flowers are gone!"
My coworker looked at her with a gentle smile and then calmly and eloquently—as if he were reciting lines in a play—replied reassuringly: "Don't worry Sister; it will be beautiful again."
The hopeful symbolism of my colleague's words were not lost on me and I immediately began to wonder—and even dared to hope—that his words might prove prophetic with regards to Lina's and my relationship. Or, if not, then certainly with someone else when the time was right.
But ideally with Lina!
Only the passage of time could answer my musings on the matter. In the meantime, I continued to suffer immensely at having lost my Lady.
Beautiful Again
Soon after this experience, fall flowers replaced the uprooted summer blooms, and true to my colleague's words, the flowerbeds were indeed beautiful again—and more quickly than I had expected!
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| The exact spot referred to above, when in full bloom! Atlanta, Georgia, LDS Temple Circa 2008 |
Once again, I was treading positively and productively through uncharted waters with this remarkable woman!
After spending one frightful fortnight apart, Lina accepted my offer to get back together. While I had dared to hope for an eventual reunion, I was surprised by how quickly and easily we got back together.
I will never forget that day—13 days after we had broken up.
I had invited Lina to attend the baseball game of a young cousin of mine. She accepted. After the game we went to a park for a picnic lunch alone. We both felt anxious because we weren't sure exactly where things were headed.
It was suspenseful!
Nevertheless, I gathered up my courage and took her hand in mine as we walked from my car to the park.
It might as well have been the first time I had ever held her hand for the butterflies in my stomach!
Soon we arrived at the appointed picnic spot, but neither of us were focused on food... yet. In the meantime, we bandied back-and-forth in between conversational fits-and-starts and awkward silence.
Neither of us seemed willing to address the elephant in the room.
Then, something deep inside of me pulsated in my heart and I felt prompted to Kiss Her!
I obeyed this inner voice, and that KISS...
There is a saying: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away."
I have been blessed to enjoy many such moments over the years; but of them all, that kiss at that park in Atlanta, Georgia—on that perfectly peaceful, pleasant, and warm autumn day in late October 2007—may just be the cherry on top of the sundae of all other such experiences in my life.
It was absolutely incredible—and unforgettable!
The following evening, while spending time together at her place near Georgia Tech, Lina tenderly whispered in my ear that she wanted to get back together.
It was the third best piece of news I ever received.
Another Breakup
As painful as our first breakup was—for both of us—it was not the last time we would separate temporarily. We broke up once more the following January 2008, about 10 weeks after our first separation.
Our second breakup lasted for just over one week. After a mere nine (9) days apart we were back together again. It was becoming increasingly apparent to us both that neither of us wanted to live our lives without each other.
I was relieved beyond measure by the growing solidification of our union.
Getting back together again was the second best piece of news I ever received.
This second breakup had been accompanied by my decision to move back to Utah. I even took the step of telling the Seminar Company I was contracting with at the time of my intention to relocate to the West. However, I never went through with the move because Lina and I got back together, this time for good.
Our destiny had been forged, and would be cemented, in Atlanta, Georgia—the City where Dreams Come True! (15)
Engagement
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| Our Engagement Photo |
It was the third installment of that thrilling and epic series, and ole' Tom and his death defying antics must have infused my only sweetheart with an added measure of courage, decisiveness, and resolve—or maybe it was just late and she was not thinking clearly—but whatever it was, after the movie was over, Lina nervously yet determinedly said to me:
"I think I want to marry you."
It was the very best piece of news I have ever received in my life—something I had been waiting patiently on for nine (9) months, ever since we had first broached the subject of the "M-word."
In a greater sense, it was the moment of moments I had been patiently waiting on, diligently working towards, and tirelessly preparing for throughout my entire life's journey to date.
Given Lina's indecision up to this point in time, I was stunned by her unexpected declaration as well as the seemingly random timing of her words. After all, it had only been 12 days since we got back together following our second breakup. I did not realize at the time the extent to which she had been seriously pondering over and praying about the issue in recent days and weeks.
It came as a complete surprise to me that she had come to an affirmative decision so relatively quickly.
I know she was sober when she said it because as Latter-Day Saints, we never drank alcohol or used recreational drugs. Nevertheless, given her much vacillation over our dating experience, I responded in a measured manner, thinking to myself: "Let's let her sleep on it and see how she feels in the morning."
To her credit, Lina never seriously wavered on the subject of marriage again. From this moment on, Lina Marie Tucker was all-in on Jordan Rex Jensen, and I was almost as relieved and happy as I would later feel on 8-8-08 after our wedding ceremony had officially sealed the deal.
From that point on, I was impressed and somewhat surprised by how easily and quickly the details of our pending nuptials fell so smoothly into place. It seemed as relatively simple and straightforward as our courtship had been relatively bumpy and suspenseful.
It was a wonderful and joyful adventure sharing the news with family and friends, picking out an engagement ring, fixing the date, place, and time of the wedding, asking her father for "permission" to take his beloved and precious daughter's hand in marriage, and all the other details that accompany the planning stages of a life event so meaningful and monumental.
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| Lina at breakfast at the Del and Marci Tanner home in Duluth, Georgia, where we met on September 16, 2006. March 22, 2008 |
After procuring an engagement ring of Lina's choice that fell within the parameters of my budget, I officially proposed on March 22, 2008—a Saturday.
After spending the entire day traveling down memory lane to salient scenes and settings of our courtship, we went to dinner at the Westin Hotel at the base of the King and Queen Towers in the Sandy Springs area of Atlanta. These iconic buildings—designed to resemble chess pieces—had been Lina's and my "Special Place" where we would occasionally go to spend quality alone time together.
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| Lina's left hand with rose and RING. Westin Hotel; Atlanta, Georgia. Saturday March 22, 2008 |
I did not plan it this way on purpose; but in retrospect, it does seem a fitting and poetic finish to a disastrous false start.
This time, I had a RING!
At the end of our supper together, I had Lina peer through a pair of binoculars through the window across the pond to the base of the Queen Tower where I had placed a large sign that repeated the same words my father had uttered to my mother back in 1966...
"Will You Be My Queen?"
At that moment, I dropped to one knee, revealed her engagement ring, and officially popped the question.
It was a joyful moment and a momentous culmination of a truly marvelous—yet challenging—courtship.
Between my work as a traveling seminar facilitator and Lina's 2-month study abroad to Shanghai, China the summer of 2008, the following four-and-a-half months of our official engagement were spent largely apart from each other.
Then, on July 17th I boarded an Atlanta plane bound for Salt Lake City to begin preparing for our big day.
Lina returned from China two days later on July 19th. When she got off the plane, she was wearing a lapel pin that said: "19 days left."
She had purchased the pin in China—a countdown memento of the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, the Opening Ceremonies of which were scheduled to begin on our wedding day.
It was PERFECT!
And it was magical to see my gorgeous, precious, and widely-grinning fiancé after spending two long months apart.
Wedding
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| Our Wedding Day Salt Lake City, Utah August 8, 2008 |
I will never forget sitting on a bench in a hallway near the entrance of the Salt Lake Temple after the wedding ceremony. I was dressed in my tuxedo and waiting for Lina to change into her dress for our pictures. As I sat there by myself I quietly reflected on the import and majesty of what had just taken place...
And then I took the single biggest Sigh of Relief (literally and metaphorically) of my entire life.
I had finally summited the highest and most treacherous mountain peak of my life up to that point, and the view from the top was even more magnificent and picturesque than I had imagined, which, given how high my expectations had always been with regards to courtship and marriage, was really saying something.
As devout Latter-Day Saints, Lina and I had carried on a chaste courtship and thereby enjoyed the added excitement and newness inherent in consummating our virgin relationship on our wedding night. It had been a long time coming, especially for me—who was rapidly approaching my 29th birthday.
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| Our Wedding Day Salt Lake City, Utah August 8, 2008 |
Neither of us ever felt as though we had fundamentally missed out on anything by waiting and saving ourselves for each other.
What it did do was make our wedding night and subsequent marriage more special than if we had indulged ourselves prior to making our covenants with God and each other.
In my opinion, there are two (2) anticipations and adventures in life that are greater than all the others. The first involves a virgin wedding night. The second involves life's greatest mystery—even that which comes after one's mortal passing.
In the words of Robin Williams' Peter Pan: "To die would be a great adventure," to which Dustin Hoffman's Hook playfully—or perhaps philosophically—retorts: "Death is the only adventure." (16)
By August 9, 2008, I had experienced the first of these two greatest of life adventures—with many more blissful encounters to come with my best friend, lover, and only Sweetheart.
And while I will always look forward with even greater anticipation to "what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil," (17) I am in no rush to get there.
Finding Value in Failure and Rejection
As I reflect back on my many adventures and misadventures in the realms of romance, I owe much of the Existential Growth I achieved during my later teens and twenties to romantic rejections and other failures I encountered and/or caused.
Being rejected was always an awful, gut-wrenching, and pride-injuring experience. But, it also provided me with seemingly endless opportunities to closely examine my foibles and flaws. This, in turn, empowered me to identify when and where my thoughts, speech, and actions needed troubleshooting, thereby affording me with countless chances to exercise SAL, invite Serendipity into my life, improve myself, grow, and change.
It took a long time for me to rise to the existential stature necessary to be worthy of and attractive to a woman as beautiful, intelligent, good, kind, and extraordinary as Lina. I invested countless hours over the course of the first 29 years of my life in honor of this, my heart's deepest, purest, and truest desire.
It was worth all of this effort—and more—to win Lina's heart and earn the honor and privilege of being her husband for time and eternity.
"Adversity is the diamond dust heaven polishes its jewels with."
—Thomas Carlyle
Happily Ever After
And we lived happily ever after...
Right?
Well...
Sort of.
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| Bringing three beautiful children into the world together has served to greatly deepen the love and connection Lina and I share. |
That is just real life in this world.
In many ways, our marriage has been a lot like our courtship—unusually positive and productive in most ways, but not without a variety of bumps in the road.
We are, after all, emotional, flawed, sensitive, vulnerable, and otherwise imperfect human beings just like anyone else (this is especially true of ME) and the unvarnished truth is that we have often squabbled over a variety of different things in our marriage—including (surprise, surprise) MONEY and SEX.
Lina and I are both confident, determined, persistent, and otherwise strong individuals with different aptitudes, backgrounds, paradigms, personalities, and perspectives. This reality makes conflict inevitable at times.
If you are in a committed, intimate relationship with another person and you never have a disagreement, you are either perfect, or one of the two partners in the union is not thinking for himself or herself. And since there are no perfect people in this world, then all equally-yoked partnerships must confront disagreements from time-to-time.
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| JJ and Lina December 2024 |
Lina and I are no different.
So, what has led to our marital successes of the past two decades?
And what are the keys to guaranteeing we will reach our goals of growing old together and, according to our religious beliefs, perpetuating our union beyond the grave?
The answers to this question—like so many other SAL answers to life's perplexing problems—are simple in theory, but trickier in actual practice.
The ANSWERS include: continual communication and effort, empathy, forgiveness, humility, focus, intention, patience, understanding, and—as necessary—help from others.
Fortunately, Lina and I are both deeply committed to each other and SAL. In the words of our church Bishop at the time of our marriage: we have "taken the word 'divorce' out of the dictionary." (18)
Eight (8) other things that have contributed mightily to our success include:
- Viewing and treating each other as absolute equals, existentially speaking.
- Continually saying, texting, and otherwise communicating "I Love You" to each other.
- Actively cultivating a healthy and mutually-satisfying sexual relationship.
- Regularly making time for dates and always doing something extra special for a few days and nights each year on or near our wedding anniversary (without the kids).
- Recognizing, acknowledging, accentuating, and praising each other's positives and strengths while minimizing and being forgiving of each other's negatives and weaknesses.
- Openly, honestly, and candidly communicating about anything and everything, including battles worth fighting with regards to conflict and disagreements that inevitably arise.
- Guarding our thoughts and actions from any vestige of infidelity.
- Devoting ourselves completely to the well-being of each other and our three children.
- Never giving up.
We also put great faith and trust in the influence and power that Serendipity wields upon us both personally and as a couple. An outgrowth of our faith in a Higher Power is our willingness to demonstrate—however imperfectly—humility to do whatever hard work is necessary to troubleshoot problems that arise, and then trust that God will take care of the rest.
This includes swallowing our pride from time-to-time.
It also means saying: "I am Sorry" when necessary.
We have also been willing to seek outside help as needed—a positive outgrowth of my own experiences with professional counseling for OCD and depression. In fact, Lina and I have even been to professional marital counseling on multiple occasions throughout our marriage when we felt stuck in our own efforts to resolve an issue.
Doing so has always helped us to get unstuck and move forward positively and productively into a stronger, more resilient relationship that has an even brighter future than its beautiful past.
Marital success is a lot like one's personal mental and emotional health and hygiene; it comes as a by-product of one's "dedication to reality at all costs" (19) and then committing to the hard work that reality requires.
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| Benjamin Franklin 1706-1790 |
Said he: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."
—Benjamin Franklin
As we continue these sound, healthy, and time-tested and proven practices, I am confident we will continue to grow, progress, and mature in our marriage relationship—and that, in the end, it may truly be said of us...
And they lived happily ever after.
For that is the hope and power that SAL and Serendipity offer to each of us.
I invite and encourage YOU to embrace both of these powers TODAY—for your own benefit, and the blessing of all those you hold dear.
Yours in SAL, Freedom, and Relational Harmony and Magic—now...
And forevermore.
—Dr. JJ
In Your Journal
What bad habits, personal weaknesses, or annoying personality quirks might be inhibiting your success in relationships, be they familial, platonic, romantic, conjugal, or professional?
What is something you could start doing today to work on a bad habit, personal weakness, or annoying personality quirk?
What good habits, character strengths, or personality plusses aid your cause in relationships, be they familial, platonic, romantic, conjugal, or professional?
What is something you could do to further hone a good habit, character strength, or personality plus?
Describe your ideal romantic partner. What character strengths, personality traits, and physical attributes does he or she possess?
With the Law of Attraction in mind, what is one thing you are doing—or what is one thing you could begin doing today—to cultivate these same strengths, attributes, and traits in yourself?
—Dr. JJ
Wednesday, October 1, 2025
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
Author's Note: This is the 483rd Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013 and the 273rd consecutive weekly blog published since August 31, 2020.
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Chapter 4 Notes
1. Whitman, W. (1892). Leaves of Grass: Comprising all the Poems by Walt
Whitman Following the Edition of 1891-92. New York, NY: Modern Library.
(Google Books version). Page 106.
2. Boss, A.D., & Sims, H.P., Jr. (2008). "Everyone Fails! Using Emotion Regulation
and Self-Leadership for Recovery." Journal of Managerial Psychology, Volume 23,
Issue 2, p. 135-150. DOI:10.1108/02683940810850781. Pages 135 & 146.
3. Browning, R. (1906). Select Poems of Robert Browning. D.C. Heath and Co. Publishers. Google Books version. Page 307.
3a. "My only sweetheart" is how my maternal grandfather would sometimes open a love letter to his wife, my maternal grandmother.
4. Disney's animated film, Beauty and the Beast. 1991. Screenplay by Linda Woolverton.
5. Songwriters: Alan Menken and Howard Ashman.
6. Shakespeare, W. The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Act III. Scene
I. Line 80.
6a. Lyric from You're Beautiful (2004) by James Blount. Writers: Sacha Skarbek, Amanda Ghost, James Blount.
7. A 2005 Hollywood movie starring Steve
Carell and directed by Judd Apatow.
8. Burns, D. (2009). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (Revised and Updated
Edition). New York, NY: Harper Health. Pages 42-43.
9. Miller, J. (1909). Joaquin Miller's Poems [in six volumes]. Volume One. San Francisco, CA: The Whitaker & Ray Company. Google Books version. Pages 151-152.
10. Genesis 29:20 (Old Testament).
10a. Lyric from A Moment Like This (2002) by Kelly Clarkson. Writers: Jorgen Kjell Elofsson and John Reid.
11. From Day #8 of JJ's 12 Days of Christmas to Lina (December 24, 2006).
12. From Day #2 of JJ's 7 Days of Summer to Lina (June 2007).
13. From Day #3 of JJ's 7 Days of Summer to Lina (June 2007). This was one of several limericks I wrote for Lina during our courtship.
14. From Day #1 of JJ's 20 Days / Years of Lina (September 10, 2007).
15. I often refer to Atlanta, Georgia as: "The City Where Dreams Come True" because of my dream to relocate there and it being the city where Lina and I met, dated, and got engaged to be married.
16. Hook. 1991. Motion picture directed by Steven Spielberg and written by James V. Hart and Nick Castle.
17. Shakespeare's Hamlet. Act III, Scene 1, Lines 74-75.
18. Advice we received from our Bishop and friend, Bill Dean.
19. Peck, M.S. (1993). Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey toward Spiritual Growth (The Edited Lectures). New York, NY: Simon and Schuster. Page 75. Verbatim quote reads: "You might remember in The Road Less Traveled, I defined mental health as a process of ongoing dedication to reality at all costs. At 'at all costs' means no matter how uncomfortable the reality makes us."
