At Freedom Focused, we believe in the importance and power of BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS that stand the test of time and provide joy, meaning, and satisfaction in our lives and careers. After all, is there really anything more valuable in the end than the relationships we build, cultivate, nurture, and share with other people?
As Dr. Stephen R. Covey once queried: "In the end, what else is there but relationships?"
Covey's rhetorical question comes quartered, of course, with a compelling and self-evident, albeit implicit declarative echoing the same precise point.
My wife, Lina, and I were married on August 8, 2008, a unique date more commonly known as just 8-8-08. In addition to our wedding anniversary, Lina's and my birthdays are in August and September, respectively. That's three pretty big days that all fall within a seven-week period in late summer and early fall.
The relationship you share with your
SourceLEVEL TWO (2) Relationship
The relationship you share with your Significant Other (The ONE)
LEVEL THREE (3) Relationship
The relationships you share with your Inner Circle (The Few)
LEVEL FOUR (4) Relationship
The relationships you share with your Outer Circle (The Many)
LEVEL FIVE (5) Relationship
The relationships you share with Everyone Else (The All)
One of the most important lessons I've ever learned about relationship building is that I do not have the time or energy to have thousands, hundreds, or even dozens of close, intimate friendships or other relationships. Doing so is simply untenable in this life and world so clearly marked by finite quantities of time and energy.
However hard you may try to paddle against the wake of this reality, I believe you will always end up coming to the same basic conclusion I have discovered. No matter how many people you might know or associate with, you simply don't have the energy or time to develop truly authentic relationships with a lot of people. As such, you must make decisions that prioritize different relationships into different categories that require more (or less) of that finite time and energy.
I do, however, have the time and energy to be "civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, and enemy to none," as Franklin so wisely suggests. I have discovered through disciplined practice that this is a near-perfect recipe for cultivating a variety of different relationships with different people on different levels—the sum of which adds up to a beautiful and enriching life and career filled with a wide variety of different meaningful and rewarding personal and professional friendship and other relationships.
The five levels of relationships listed above represent a prioritized list of relational importance and begins with your SOURCE. Let's take some time now to flesh out this concept in more detail...
LEVEL ONE: Your Source
What is our ultimate SOURCE as human beings?
Scientifically speaking, we don't know for certain. Although human beings have a variety of different beliefs concerning this subject.
I am one who firmly believes in the existence of an intelligent Creator—God—the literal Father (spiritually) of all mankind (His children). I believe this because of countless experiences I have had studying scriptural evidence and by having my own, personal, faith-promoting, spiritual experiences over the course of nearly four decades.
At Freedom Focused, we do not ask or require you to be a believer. But we do encourage you to avoid being theologically lazy. In other words, don't be apathetic about BELIEF. Instead, choose to be curious about different beliefs you observe and find all around you. Study a variety of different viewpoints regarding what different human beings believe their Source is. Put in the time; complete your homework; and do your due diligence on the subject. Then, make your own decisions about what to believe (or not) based on your diligent homework and honest search rather than whatever might be the easiest—or most popular—thing to do at any given point in time. Pursuing this course will fortify your integrity and give you greater confidence in whatever you decide to believe in (or not).
Once you have discovered what you believe your true SOURCE is, it is essential to cultivate an active, living, and vibrant relationship with Him/Her/It/Etc. For believers, this pathway is pursued through activities like study, prayer, obedience, practice, worship, service, emulation, and evangelism. For non-believers, this pathway is pursued through activities like study, meditation, service, activism, and education.
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With my "ONE" prior to a date earlier this year. Lina and I usually go on at least a couple formal dates per month where we hire a babysitter to watch our kids. The goal? To nurture our friendship, enliven our romance, and sustain our sanity! |
LEVEL TWO:
Significant OtherThe ONE
Second only to your SOURCE, your significant other is—or at least ideally should (eventually) be—the most important relationship in your life.
According to Franklin, this person should not only be your best friend, but in a sense, your only friend. This might sound strange or even extreme, but I assure you its seeming strangeness or extremeness is only a matter of framing and semantics.
Obviously it is okay—and even important—to have good friendships outside of your marriage or other serious, romantic relationship. When Franklin encourages us to have only ONE friend, I think what he is trying to say is that our friendship with our significant other ought to be singularly special in comparison with any of our other human relationships.
In other words, this vital relationship with our ONE ought to transcend and ultimately trump all other friendships and associations in terms of its closeness, connectedness, intimacy, and transparency. If we are to follow the counsel of Franklin, we must therefore spend more time and effort cultivating and nurturing this preeminent friendship than we do for any other human connection.
For those who are not currently in an intimate relationship, your ONE could be a parent, sibling, or friend who you determine is your BEST friend and closest confidante until the time comes when you do have the opportunity to be part of an intimate relationship—a goal we encourage all self-action leaders to aim for.
And as my avid readers all know, this particular goal and aim in life is not always easily achieved. In fact, it was one of the most difficult and time-consuming things I ever accomplished. But having embraced, endured, and conquered the struggle, I know for myself that it is entirely worth the effort and sacrifice and persistence that is usually required to find success in this often tricky and elusive area of life.
LEVEL THREE: Inner Circle
The Few
After your relationship with your Significant Other or other BEST friend is in good working order, you can begin to develop a relatively small circle of close friends, family members, colleagues, associates, neighbors, etc.
Relationships on this level are not as close as the relationship with your Significant Other, but are closer—and more important—than relationships on levels four and five.
In the words of Benjamin Franklin, these are the relatively "FEW" individuals with whom you are "FAMILIAR."
Individuals in your Inner Circle should be those to whom you can easily communicate about difficult issues and problems. They may include those to whom you seek out for help, advice, counsel, and encouragement during times of difficulty or special need.
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It has been said that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. In other words, you become like those who make up your Inner Circle. As such, you would be wise to choose and cultivate your Inner Circle very carefully! |
How many people should be a part of your "Inner Circle?" That is a question that only YOU can answer. However, I would suggest that any number that goes beyond single digits is probably too many. In other words, you should ideally aim for an
Inner Circle that consists of nine (9) people or less. There is, of course, an exception to every rule; but remember: as human beings, we have finite time and energy, so "less is more" and the "simpler the better" when it comes to your
Inner Circle.
To illustrate my point in this matter, consider that my own Inner Circle currently consists of only four-to-six (4-6) people. While I can see it someday expanding to as many as eight (8) or nine (9) persons, I highly doubt my Inner Circle will ever expand beyond single digits.
Again, there is usually an exception to every rule. YOU are ultimately in charge of making your own personal and professional decisions. The insight provided above is meant to guide you, not bind you, to any specific formula in the matter.
LEVEL FOUR: Outer Circle
The Many
Your Outer Circle differs from your Inner Circle in several important ways. First, your Outer Circle will usually be much larger than your Inner Circle. Whereas your Inner Circle should ideally be kept to single digits, your Outer Circle may include dozens, scores, or in some cases even hundreds or thousands of people.
In the words of Benjamin Franklin, these are the "MANY" individuals with whom you are "SOCIABLE."
These are the people you usually see on a regular basis and are friendly with, but you generally do not communicate with on an intimate level. They may also include individuals with whom you only see occasionally, but remain relatively close with due to a closeness you once enjoyed in your past (i.e. a good friend from high school or college or a previous job who lives on the other side of the state or country from you).
Conversations with members of your Outer Circle will typically be more informal and social compared with conversations with members of your Inner Circle. Despite this fact, members of your Outer Circle will inevitably span out across an intimacy spectrum. In other words, some members will be closer to your Inner Circle whereby others will be closer to Level 5 (Everyone).
While members of your Outer Circle may still be viewed as "Friends" they are usually not the FIRST people you would call if you needed help with something personal or otherwise important.
To illustrate this principle, my own Outer Circle is made up of several hundred people. Some of those people are nearer to my Inner Circle and some of those people are nearer to Level 5 (Everyone). The rest fall somewhere in between on a spectrum of intimacy. I strategically make decisions regarding relationships with my Outer Circle based on where each person falls along that generalized intimacy spectrum.
LEVEL FIVE:
Everyone Else
The All
Everyone Else falls within a framework of a Level Five (5) relationship.
In the words of Benjamin Franklin, this balance of humanity includes everyone on the Planet, at least theoretically speaking. On a more practical basis, it includes anyone with whom you associate with in any way that is not already on one of the other four levels.
Examples of people you share a Level Five (5) relationship with include passersby, store clerks, service staff, receptionists, etc. It also includes people who may know of YOU (or that you know of), but you do not actually know them (and vice versa). This group can range from a few people to hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people in the case of certain celebrities and others in high-profile positions.
Ironically, human beings are often prone to being the kindest and most thoughtful of those they care the least about (Level 5 Relationships). If you don't believe me on this point, just think about the last time you cursed out a stranger on the street or someone who was serving you in a restaurant or hotel compared to the last time you spoke unkindly to someone who lives in your own house.
A ha?
GOTCHA!
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Why is it that we humans so often save our best for
strangers and our worst for those we claim to love the most? |
I know this is true because in all the traveling I've done throughout my career, I am hard pressed to remember many instances when some stranger was rude to me out of the blue—or when I was rude to them. But I've had a number of tiffs within my own home and family life during the same time period... instances where I ended up having to apologize for my own unkind comments or behavior!
We humans are funny that way... we sometimes have the mixed-up tendency to be kind to strangers and unkind to our most beloved. This pattern does not, of course, make any rational sense; yet this cultural phenomenon is deeply ingrained within most of us, when, in truth, it really ought to be the other way around!
While self-action leaders aim to treat EVERYONE with kindness, dignity, and respect, they understand it is important to prioritize their relationships so they save their best efforts and kindest overtures for those who are actually the most important in their lives, rather than for those who are the least important.
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Peace is more precious than diamonds...
and it begins with YOU and ME. |
So... if you feel like you just gotta be mean or rude to someone, be mean or rude to a stranger rather than your wife or kid or neighbor or colleague or friend! I'm kidding, of course... it's best to be nice to everyone, but if you have to choose—well, you get my drift!
Enemy to None
While not an official level, per se, Franklin's wonderful quote is also a stirring reminder to avoid making enemies in our lives and careers by striving to end conflict as a peacemaker.
Self-action leaders love PEACE. They therefore eschew unnecessary conflict like the plague. And when conflict is inevitable, they always aim for a peaceful resolution.
In the process, they do whatever is necessary to mend (or end) conflicts that may arise in their lives or careers. In time, they come to comprehend that it is almost impossible to have enemies if they are unwilling to fuel conflict from their own end of a relationship. They understand that in the end, it's just not worth it to have enemies.
LIFE is
so much better when it is marked by peace and peacemaking!
So, remember the advice of ole' Ben Franklin, and you'll be on your way to creating wonderfully positive and meaningful relationships throughout your life. In the end, could anything be more valuable than that?
"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, and enemy to none."
—Benjamin Franklin
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- When was the last time you escaped for a romantic weekend getaway with your Significant Other?
- Do you currently have too many people in your Inner Circle? If so, what steps might you take to draw a clearer line between your Inner and Outer Circle?
- Are you currently dealing with any conflicts or enemies at home or at work? What can YOU change to help mend (or end) said conflict(s)?
- In what other ways might you utilize the wisdom of Benjamin Franklin's famous quote to organize your life around Freedom Focused's Five Levels of Relationships?
—Dr. JJ
September 28, 2022
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
Author's Note: This is the 285th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013 and the 114th consecutive weekly blog published since August 31, 2020.
Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 284 FF Blog Articles.
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LEVEL ONE: Your Source.jpg)
LEVEL THREE: Inner Circle 
LEVEL FOUR: Outer Circle
LEVEL FIVE:
Excellent.
ReplyDeleteHappy Anniversary to a beautiful team!!!!
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