Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Parenting Teenagers: A Lesson in Leadership

Dr. Chris Neck
Guest Column


By: Christopher P. Neck, Ph.D. 


Associate Professor of Management
W.P. Carey School of Business
Arizona State University


Author's Note: While I employ the pronoun "I" in this article, my wife Jen deserves a ton of credit for partnering with me in raising our two children, who are now thriving adults.



INTRODUCTION

Parenting teenagers may be one of the trickiest things you'll ever do.
Succeeding in this challenge is vital to the future of our nation and world.
I'd like to thank Dr. JJ for this unique opportunity to talk about leadership—and more specifically, SELF-LEADERSHIP—as it relates to PARENTHOOD. In so doing, I will focus in particular on the parenting of teenagers.

It's interesting to me how much effort academia invests in studying, researching, and writing about every topic imaginable except for the subjects that matter most in our lives. There is, of course, the occasional positive exception to this broad academic trend. But in the main, life's most important issues are too often neglected by those who claim to be the greatest seekers of wisdom in our world.

There is no more important role than Parenting. 
I share Dr. JJ's view that there is no more important life topic than PARENTHOOD, so I welcome this chance to address this subject, which is so important to me personally, and then make some connections to a couple of subjects I have spent my entire career studying, researching, and teaching; namely: SELF-leadership and LEADERSHIP. 

First off, it might be helpful to distinguish the difference between these two related, but distinct topics. 

There are a lot of different ways to define LEADERSHIP. My favorite definition is "a process of influence." In other words, we lead other people by influencing them to willingly act in desirable ways. SELF-leadership also involves influence, but rather than being externally directed towards others, it is internally focused on ourselves. Self-leadership is therefore the influence we exert on our own minds and hearts in an effort to conduct ourselves in appropriate, desirable, and productive ways.

Leadership begins with the SELF.
Self-Leadership has only been seriously studied in academe for about 40 years. Before the 1980s, very few academics saw leadership as being highly relevant and applicable to the self. That all began to change in the early 1980s when scholars like me began to argue for the importance of self-influence (or self-leadership) as a precursor or prerequisite to more traditional concepts of team leadership.

My colleagues' and my core argument in favor of self-leadership was implicitly postured as a self-evident answer to the following rhetorical question: "How can you expect to effectively lead other people to get results if you cannot first lead yourself to get the job done?"

Once you have accepted the self-evident nature of the answer to this question, a further question begs as follows: How can we improve our self-leadership in order to better achieve results and positively impact our capacity and influence as a team leader?

Much of my professional work over the past three decades has been aimed at answering this basic question—the goal being to identify the cognitive (thoughts) and behavioral (speech & actions) things we can do to better lead ourselves to get results, and, in-turn, better lead others in team and organizational settings.

As a researcher, scholar, and teacher in academe, I am always hopeful my work will positively influence and inspire my students. Over the years, I have had many students take interest in self-leadership and actively apply its concepts and practices in their lives—to their great benefit.

Self-Leadership was a forerunner of SAL
But never has a student of my work built so expansively or extensively upon the foundation of S-L research as Dr. JJ. You can imagine then how gratifying it has been to see the advent and proliferation of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) by Dr. JJ and Freedom Focused. On behalf of my colleagues around the nation and world, I express my gratitude for this powerful initiative, and hope Dr. JJ and his colleagues at Freedom Focused will continue pursuing their passion to further share the message of PERSONAL LEADERSHIP—with all of its essential corollary concepts—throughout the United States and World. 

A "PERFECT" moment along the way...
Lessons in Leadership to Manage Parenting the Teenage Years

"There are no perfect parents, and there are no perfect children, but there are plenty of perfect moments along the way."
            —Dave Willis

I'm a big believer that there is no one path up the mountain to successful parenting. If someone tries to tell you there is a single best way to be a parent, or one, lone method for perfect parenting, then that person is probably trying to sell you a book and may not have your best interests at heart.

Raising Teenagers is Tricky.
Even the best parents make mistakes.
My guess is you would probably join me in agreeing with something Dr. JJ wrote in last week's post; namely, that "Parenting is not a hundred yard dash; it is an ultra marathon."

This statement of Dr. JJ's resonated deeply with my own instincts as a parent and leader. Bottom line: no matter how effective a parent you may be, you will still make mistakes along the way—and that is OKAY!

My personal parental philosophy involves acknowledging this reality and then preparing yourself to stay in the race—come what may—and simply keep on trying to do your best. With this in mind, I hope what I have to say about parenting teens might help you in some way to be the best parent that YOU can be within a framework of your own unique philosophy and style.

Endless are a parent's opportunities for INFLUENCE.
As previously mentioned, I define leadership as a "process of influence." As parents, we are all leaders in the sense that we are trying to influence—or LEAD—our children to become independent adults. Over the course of my three-plus decade career, I have extensively studied leadership and different leadership styles. Two of the styles I've studied include: autocratic leaders and empowering leaders.

Autocratic leaders lead by giving commanding orders and otherwise seeking to control the behavior of their subordinates. People who follow autocratic leaders are typically motivated out of a fear of the leader. 

Empowering leaders, on the other hand, lead by encouraging followers to lead themselves and thus become SELF-LEADERS. People follow empowering leaders because they value the autonomy that comes with leading themselves and because they appreciate its mutually respectful and non-threatening approach.

Autocratic Parenting
Much of my understanding of these two types of leadership comes from my own actions and experiences as a parent. When my children were younger—and I was less experienced as a parent—I often fell into the trap of resorting to autocratic leadership. This means I would command my kids to do things such as clean their rooms, eat their meals, be polite, etc. If my kids failed to follow my orders, there would be a consequence such as having to spend the afternoon in their room, or not being able to watch television. As an autocratic parent (leader) I was very stern in my approach and my kids knew that failure to follow the rules would result in a consequence they would not like. 

As my kids grew into teenagers, my life's multiplying experiences joined forces with my growing logic and wisdom about leadership. The results of this parental maturation on my part gradually influenced a significant shift in my own parenting (leadership) style. The result was the evolution of my once autocratic or commanding style into more of an EMPOWERING or self-leadership style. This evolution proved to be a vitally important element of building and maintaining positive and healthy relationships with my son and daughter.

As an empowering parent (leader), I still provided structure and discipline, which I believe teenagers not only need, but also want (although they usually won't admit it). But I also started encouraging them to make their own decisions about their day-to-day activities and goals—not only in terms of "what" they decided to pursue, but also "how" they opted to go about it.

Empowering Parenting
While I still imposed consequences for some poor decisions (such as missing curfew), I began to let my children impose their own consequences for other, less-effective decisions (such as making a bad grade on a test). My goal in taking this approach was to teach them to learn from their own disappointment or embarrassment in hopes that certain natural consequences would motivate better choices in the future.

Based on my academic research into these two different leadership (parenting) styles, I was not surprised when my efforts at empowering my children began to bear fruit. In fact, the better I got at this empowering approach, the better results I got, and more importantly, the better my relationship with my kids became.

For the sake of further explicating this point and idea, consider the following example...

If one of my kids had brought home a poor report card during their preteen years, I would have met with them, asked them if they worked hard or were slacking, and then announced that if the grade did not improve by the next report card there would be a tangible consequence such as losing video game or television time. I would then meet with them and their teacher to try and find a solution to the lagging grade.

If, on the other hand, this same scenario were to occur during their teenage years, I would have encouraged them to meet with their teacher on their own to discuss an improvement plan. Then, I would have asked them if there was anything I could do to help. I would then have encouraged them to work harder and praised their capacity to make said improvement while affirming my own belief that they would be successful. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I would not have imposed any external consequences because it was mutually understood that it up to the child to want to improve on their own to avoid negative long-term consequences such as failing to get into the college of their choice, etc.  

The more I reflect on this subject, the more convinced I have become that it is logical to transition from being a commanding parent when your kids are younger to being more of an empowering parent when your kids become teenagers. This evolution helps your kids make the transition from being dependent children to independent adults.

In closing, I share an original poem of mine aimed at helping you on your challenging, but rewarding parenting journey. Perhaps it will be inspiring to your children as well. I wish you the very best as you parent your kids... and especially during the treacherous teenage years. May you give it your ALL in helping your kids LEAD THE BAND in all aspects of their lives.


LEADING THE BAND

She was going to be the President
Of the U.S. of A.
He was going to become an actor
In a Broadway play.

As youngsters — these were their dreams;
The visions they aspired to.
They truly thought these aspirations,
Eventually, would one day come true.

But she did not become President.
The reason is the ultimate sin.
She never ran for office.
She feared she would not win.

He didn't make it to New York City.
In fact, never set foot on the stage.
He thought he'd forget his lines.
In other words — he was afraid.

The lesson in these stories
Is that you must get up and try.
If you let your fears control you,
Your dreams will quickly die.

Because if you want to hit a home run,
You have to go up to the plate.
If you want to meet that special person,
You have to ask them for a date.

The biggest crime in life
Is to forget what you have dreamt.
It's not the act of losing
But to have never made the attempt.

So as you battle with your fears in life,
Remember this brief command:
"If you're not afraid to lead the music,
 You may one day lead the band."


This poem is reprinted from Dr. Neck's personal poetry anthology, entitled: MEDICINE FOR THE MIND: Healing Words to Help You Soar (4th Edition, McGraw-Hill).  Click HERE to buy this Book of inspired self-leadership poetry.

—Dr. Chris Neck

April 13, 2022
Paradise Valley, Arizona, USA


Dr. JJ:  "It's hard to imagine my
life and career without the mentorship,
friendship, and influence of Chris Neck.

Chris Neck: A Personal Tribute

By:  JJ


I first came into contact with Dr. Chris Neck's scholarly work on self-leadership (S-L) back in 2001 as a freshman in college. At the time I was a visiting student at Brigham Young University (BYU) enrolled in a general elective course on LEADERSHIP. My teacher—whose name was Karl Smart—lived up to his name by intelligently choosing Dr. Neck's seminal textbook on S-L as a primary text in that leadership class; and I'm so glad he did!

From that initial introduction until now, I have always been a BIG FAN of Chris Neck. Moreover, my introduction to Chris's work on self-leadership was a pivotal moment in my own academic and professional journey. Indeed, my introduction to S-L proved both catalytic and foundational to my work in developing SAL and otherwise dedicating my career to personal leadership oriented training, research, and writing.

Sir Isaac Newton once said: "If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of GIANTS."  

Chris Neck is one of the GIANTS upon whose shoulders I stand as the author and organizer of SAL. 

Ten years later, in 2011, I personally reached out to Chris for the first time. We have been good friends and close colleagues ever since. Dr. Neck is a co-author of all FIVE (5) of the academic papers I have published to date. 

Over the past decade, Chris Neck has been my closest non-familial friend, confidant, mentor, supporter, and cheerleader. I've never met anyone quite like him, and I've lived in this world long enough to realize that friendships like his don't come around very often in life, so when they do, they are worth cherishing, protecting, and perpetuating.

From the numerous academic papers and projects we have worked on together to our shared love of college football, distance running, and the American South, I will forever cherish and guard my friendship with this capable and prolific scholar who is, more importantly, a thoughtful, kind, and generous human being. Thank you, Chris, for being my mentor and friend; and thank you for believing in me like nobody else... and long before everybody else. 

Geaux Tigers!

          Go Gators!!

                     And GO any other team who ever lines up against Alabama or Georgia!!!

Chris Neck's expansive and impressive resume can be found below. I encourage you to take a few minutes and review his remarkable and inspiring CV. Doing so will provide you with additional insight into the wisdom, accomplishments, and expertise of the man whose words you were privileged to read today.  

Dr. Chris Neck
Bio of Christopher P. Neck, Ph.D. 


Dr. Chris Neck is currently an Associate Professor of Management at Arizona State University, where he has held the title "University Master Teacher."

From 1994 to 2009, Dr. Neck was part of the Pamplin College of Business faculty at the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech). He received his Ph.D. in Management from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe and his MBA from Louisiana State University (LSU) in Baton Rouge—where he was born and raised.  

Geaux Tigers!  

Dr. Neck has taught over 60,000 students during his career in higher education. He currently teaches a mega section of Management Principles to approximately 900 students at Arizona State. Neck was the recipient of the 2020 John W. Teets Outstanding Undergraduate Teaching Award (voted by W.P. Carey Students). He also received the Order of Omega Outstanding Teaching Award for 2012. This award is presented to one professor at Arizona State by the Alpha Lamda Leadership Fraternity.

At Virginia Tech, Dr. Neck taught courses with up to 2,500 students at a time. His acumen and popularity at the front of the classroom netted him many awards, most notably of which was the Students' Choice Teacher of the Year Award (as voted by students for the best teacher within the entire university) which Neck won an extraordinary TEN (10) times during the following years: 1996, '98, 2000, '02, '04, '05, '06, '07, '08, and '09. At Virginia Tech, he was also the recipient of the 2002 Wine Award for Teaching Excellence.  

In 2020, Neck was voted as a semi-finalist for the Cherry Award for Great Teaching. Neck finished in the top six out of 140 nominations for this prestigious international award sponsored by Baylor University. Neck was also the recipient of the 2007 Business Week Favorite Professor Award. He is featured on businessweek.com as one of the approximately 20 professors selected from across the world to receive this award.

Dr. Neck has facilitated training seminars for a number of corporations and other organizations, including: 
  • GE/Toshiba
  • Busch Gardens
  • Clark Construction
  • U.S. Army
  • Crestar
  • American Family Insurance
  • Sales and Marketing Executives International
  • American Airlines
  • American Electric Power
  • W.L. Gore & Associates
  • Dillard's Department Stores
  • Prudential Life Insurance. 

Chris also serves as the Deputy Editor of The Journal of Leadership and Management. Due to his expertise in management, Neck has been cited in numerous national publications including:
  • Washington Post
  • Wall Street Journal
  • Los Angeles Times
  • Houston Chronicle
  • Chicago Tribute

Dr. Neck's research specialties include employee/executive fitness, self-leadership, leadership, group decision-making processes, and self-managing teams. He has over 150 publications in the form of books, book chapters, and articles in various journals. Some of the scholarly outlets that have featured Chris's work include:
  • Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes
  • Journal of Organizational Behavior
  • The Academy of Management Executive
  • Journal of Applied Behavioral Science
  • Journal of Managerial Psychology,
  • Executive Excellence
  • Human Relations
  • Human Resource Development Quarterly
  • Journal of Leadership Studies
  • Educational Leadership
  • The Commercial Law Journal
  • Journal of Leadership and Management

Neck is author and/or coauthor of twenty-two books, including:  (click on link to buy book)
  • Get a Kick Out of Life: Expect the Best of Your Body, Mind, and Soul at Any Age (Clovercroft, 2017).
  • Entrepreneurship (2017, SAGE; 2020, SAGE [2nd Edition]). Organizational Behavior (2017, SAGE; 2019, SAGE [2nd Edition]).  

Chris is a husband and proud father of a son and daughter. Also an avid runner, he has completed twelve marathons, including the New York, San Diego, and elite Boston. To date, Chris's longest continuous run is 48 miles. 

For more information about Dr. Neck's work and consulting services, or to contact him personally, please visit his personal or professional website.  





NOTE: This article is the 19th in a series of 22 articles on the subject of LIFE RULES.

Click HERE to access quick links to the other 21 articles.   


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Publisher's Note: This is the 260th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 259 FF Blog Articles.  

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Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

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