Parenting Teenagers: A Lesson in Leadership

Dr. Chris Neck

Guest Column

By: Christopher P. Neck, Ph.D. 

Associate Professor of Management

W.P. Carey School of Business

Arizona State University

Author's Note: While I employ the pronoun "I" in this article, my wife Jen deserves a ton of credit for partnering with me in raising our two children, who are now thriving adults.

INTRODUCTION

Parenting teenagers may be one of the trickiest things you'll ever do.
Succeeding in this challenge is vital to the future of our nation and world.

I'd like to thank Dr. JJ for this unique opportunity to talk about leadership—and more specifically, SELF-LEADERSHIP—as it relates to PARENTHOOD. In so doing, I will focus in particular on the parenting of teenagers.

It's interesting to me how much effort academia invests in studying, researching, and writing about every topic imaginable except for the subjects that matter most in our lives. There is, of course, the occasional positive exception to this broad academic trend. But in the main, life's most important issues are too often neglected by those who claim to be the greatest seekers of wisdom in our world.

There is no more important role than Parenting. 

I share Dr. JJ's view that there is no more important life topic than PARENTHOOD, so I welcome this chance to address this subject, which is so important to me personally, and then make some connections to a couple of subjects I have spent my entire career studying, researching, and teaching; namely: SELF-leadership and LEADERSHIP. 

First off, it might be helpful to distinguish the difference between these two related, but distinct topics. 

There are a lot of different ways to define LEADERSHIP. My favorite definition is "a process of influence." In other words, we lead other people by influencing them to willingly act in desirable ways. SELF-leadership also involves influence, but rather than being externally directed towards others, it is internally focused on ourselves. Self-leadership is therefore the influence we exert on our own minds and hearts in an effort to conduct ourselves in appropriate, desirable, and productive ways.

Leadership begins with the SELF.

Self-Leadership has only been seriously studied in academe for about 40 years. Before the 1980s, very few academics saw leadership as being highly relevant and applicable to the self. That all began to change in the early 1980s when scholars like me began to argue for the importance of self-influence (or self-leadership) as a precursor or prerequisite to more traditional concepts of team leadership.

My colleagues' and my core argument in favor of self-leadership was implicitly postured as a self-evident answer to the following rhetorical question: "How can you expect to effectively lead other people to get results if you cannot first lead yourself to get the job done?"

Once you have accepted the self-evident nature of the answer to this question, a further question begs as follows: How can we improve our self-leadership in order to better achieve results and positively impact our capacity and influence as a team leader?

Much of my professional work over the past three decades has been aimed at answering this basic question—the goal being to identify the cognitive (thoughts) and behavioral (speech & actions) things we can do to better lead ourselves to get results, and, in-turn, better lead others in team and organizational settings.

As a researcher, scholar, and teacher in academe, I am always hopeful my work will positively influence and inspire my students. Over the years, I have had many students take interest in self-leadership and actively apply its concepts and practices in their lives—to their great benefit.

Self-Leadership was a forerunner of SAL

But never has a student of my work built so expansively or extensively upon the foundation of S-L research as Dr. JJ. You can imagine then how gratifying it has been to see the advent and proliferation of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) by Dr. JJ and Freedom Focused. On behalf of my colleagues around the nation and world, I express my gratitude for this powerful initiative, and hope Dr. JJ and his colleagues at Freedom Focused will continue pursuing their passion to further share the message of PERSONAL LEADERSHIP—with all of its essential corollary concepts—throughout the United States and World. 

A "PERFECT" moment along the way...

Lessons in Leadership to Manage Parenting the Teenage Years

"There are no perfect parents, and there are no perfect children, but there are plenty of perfect moments along the way."

            —Dave Willis

I'm a big believer that there is no one path up the mountain to successful parenting. If someone tries to tell you there is a single best way to be a parent, or one, lone method for perfect parenting, then that person is probably trying to sell you a book and may not have your best interests at heart.

Raising Teenagers is Tricky.
Even the best parents make mistakes.

My guess is you would probably join me in agreeing with something Dr. JJ wrote in last week's post; namely, that "Parenting is not a hundred yard dash; it is an ultra marathon."

This statement of Dr. JJ's resonated deeply with my own instincts as a parent and leader. Bottom line: no matter how effective a parent you may be, you will still make mistakes along the way—and that is OKAY!

My personal parental philosophy involves acknowledging this reality and then preparing yourself to stay in the race—come what may—and simply keep on trying to do your best. With this in mind, I hope what I have to say about parenting teens might help you in some way to be the best parent that YOU can be within a framework of your own unique philosophy and style.

Endless are a parent's opportunities for INFLUENCE.

As previously mentioned, I define leadership as a "process of influence." As parents, we are all leaders in the sense that we are trying to influence—or LEAD—our children to become independent adults. Over the course of my three-plus decade career, I have extensively studied leadership and different leadership styles. Two of the styles I've studied include: autocratic leaders and empowering leaders.

Autocratic leaders lead by giving commanding orders and otherwise seeking to control the behavior of their subordinates. People who follow autocratic leaders are typically motivated out of a fear of the leader. 

Empowering leaders, on the other hand, lead by encouraging followers to lead themselves and thus become SELF-LEADERS. People follow empowering leaders because they value the autonomy that comes with leading themselves and because they appreciate its mutually respectful and non-threatening approach.

Autocratic Parenting

Much of my understanding of these two types of leadership comes from my own actions and experiences as a parent. When my children were younger—and I was less experienced as a parent—I often fell into the trap of resorting to autocratic leadership. This means I would command my kids to do things such as clean their rooms, eat their meals, be polite, etc. If my kids failed to follow my orders, there would be a consequence such as having to spend the afternoon in their room, or not being able to watch television. As an autocratic parent (leader) I was very stern in my approach and my kids knew that failure to follow the rules would result in a consequence they would not like. 

As my kids grew into teenagers, my life's multiplying experiences joined forces with my growing logic and wisdom about leadership. The results of this parental maturation on my part gradually influenced a significant shift in my own parenting (leadership) style. The result was the evolution of my once autocratic or commanding style into more of an EMPOWERING or self-leadership style. This evolution proved to be a vitally important element of building and maintaining positive and healthy relationships with my son and daughter.

As an empowering parent (leader), I still provided structure and discipline, which I believe teenagers not only need, but also want (although they usually won't admit it). But I also started encouraging them to make their own decisions about their day-to-day activities and goals—not only in terms of "what" they decided to pursue, but also "how" they opted to go about it.

Empowering Parenting

While I still imposed consequences for some poor decisions (such as missing curfew), I began to let my children impose their own consequences for other, less-effective decisions (such as making a bad grade on a test). My goal in taking this approach was to teach them to learn from their own disappointment or embarrassment in hopes that certain natural consequences would motivate better choices in the future.

Based on my academic research into these two different leadership (parenting) styles, I was not surprised when my efforts at empowering my children began to bear fruit. In fact, the better I got at this empowering approach, the better results I got, and more importantly, the better my relationship with my kids became.

For the sake of further explicating this point and idea, consider the following example...

If one of my kids had brought home a poor report card during their preteen years, I would have met with them, asked them if they worked hard or were slacking, and then announced that if the grade did not improve by the next report card there would be a tangible consequence such as losing video game or television time. I would then meet with them and their teacher to try and find a solution to the lagging grade.

If, on the other hand, this same scenario were to occur during their teenage years, I would have encouraged them to meet with their teacher on their own to discuss an improvement plan. Then, I would have asked them if there was anything I could do to help. I would then have encouraged them to work harder and praised their capacity to make said improvement while affirming my own belief that they would be successful. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I would not have imposed any external consequences because it was mutually understood that it up to the child to want to improve on their own to avoid negative long-term consequences such as failing to get into the college of their choice, etc.  

The more I reflect on this subject, the more convinced I have become that it is logical to transition from being a commanding parent when your kids are younger to being more of an empowering parent when your kids become teenagers. This evolution helps your kids make the transition from being dependent children to independent adults.

In closing, I share an original poem of mine aimed at helping you on your challenging, but rewarding parenting journey. Perhaps it will be inspiring to your children as well. I wish you the very best as you parent your kids... and especially during the treacherous teenage years. May you give it your ALL in helping your kids LEAD THE BAND in all aspects of their lives.

LEADING THE BAND

She was going to be the President

Of the U.S. of A.

He was going to become an actor

In a Broadway play.

As youngsters — these were their dreams;

The visions they aspired to.

They truly thought these aspirations,

Eventually, would one day come true.

But she did not become President.

The reason is the ultimate sin.

She never ran for office.

She feared she would not win.

He didn't make it to New York City.

In fact, never set foot on the stage.

He thought he'd forget his lines.

In other words — he was afraid.

The lesson in these stories

Is that you must get up and try.

If you let your fears control you,

Your dreams will quickly die.

Because if you want to hit a home run,

You have to go up to the plate.

If you want to meet that special person,

You have to ask them for a date.

The biggest crime in life

Is to forget what you have dreamt.

It's not the act of losing

But to have never made the attempt.

So as you battle with your fears in life,

Remember this brief command:

"If you're not afraid to lead the music,

 You may one day lead the band."

This poem is reprinted from Dr. Neck's personal poetry anthology, entitled: MEDICINE FOR THE MIND: Healing Words to Help You Soar (4th Edition, McGraw-Hill).  Click HERE to buy this Book of inspired self-leadership poetry.

—Dr. Chris Neck

April 13, 2022

Paradise Valley, Arizona, USA

Dr. JJ:  "It's hard to imagine my
life and career without the mentorship,
friendship, and influence of Chris Neck.

Chris Neck: A Personal Tribute

By:  JJ

I first came into contact with Dr. Chris Neck's scholarly work on self-leadership (S-L) back in 2001 as a freshman in college. At the time I was a visiting student at Brigham Young University (BYU) enrolled in a general elective course on LEADERSHIP. My teacher—whose name was Karl Smart—lived up to his name by intelligently choosing Dr. Neck's seminal textbook on S-L as a primary text in that leadership class; and I'm so glad he did!

From that initial introduction until now, I have always been a BIG FAN of Chris Neck. Moreover, my introduction to Chris's work on self-leadership was a pivotal moment in my own academic and professional journey. Indeed, my introduction to S-L proved both catalytic and foundational to my work in developing SAL and otherwise dedicating my career to personal leadership oriented training, research, and writing.

Sir Isaac Newton once said: "If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of GIANTS."  

Chris Neck is one of the GIANTS upon whose shoulders I stand as the author and organizer of SAL. 

Ten years later, in 2011, I personally reached out to Chris for the first time. We have been good friends and close colleagues ever since. Dr. Neck is a co-author of all FIVE (5) of the academic papers I have published to date. 

Over the past decade, Chris Neck has been my closest non-familial friend, confidant, mentor, supporter, and cheerleader. I've never met anyone quite like him, and I've lived in this world long enough to realize that friendships like his don't come around very often in life, so when they do, they are worth cherishing, protecting, and perpetuating.

From the numerous academic papers and projects we have worked on together to our shared love of college football, distance running, and the American South, I will forever cherish and guard my friendship with this capable and prolific scholar who is, more importantly, a thoughtful, kind, and generous human being. Thank you, Chris, for being my mentor and friend; and thank you for believing in me like nobody else... and long before everybody else. 

Geaux Tigers!

          Go Gators!!

                     And GO any other team who ever lines up against Alabama or Georgia!!!

Chris Neck's expansive and impressive resume can be found below. I encourage you to take a few minutes and review his remarkable and inspiring CV. Doing so will provide you with additional insight into the wisdom, accomplishments, and expertise of the man whose words you were privileged to read today.  

Dr. Chris Neck

Bio of Christopher P. Neck, Ph.D. 

Dr. Chris Neck is currently an Associate Professor of Management at Arizona State University, where he has held the title "University Master Teacher."

From 1994 to 2009, Dr. Neck was part of the Pamplin College of Business faculty at the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech). He received his Ph.D. in Management from Arizona State University (ASU) in Tempe and his MBA from Louisiana State University (LSU) in Baton Rouge—where he was born and raised.  

Geaux Tigers!  

Dr. Neck has taught over 60,000 students during his career in higher education. He currently teaches a mega section of Management Principles to approximately 900 students at Arizona State. Neck was the recipient of the 2020 John W. Teets Outstanding Undergraduate Teaching Award (voted by W.P. Carey Students). He also received the Order of Omega Outstanding Teaching Award for 2012. This award is presented to one professor at Arizona State by the Alpha Lamda Leadership Fraternity.

At Virginia Tech, Dr. Neck taught courses with up to 2,500 students at a time. His acumen and popularity at the front of the classroom netted him many awards, most notably of which was the Students' Choice Teacher of the Year Award (as voted by students for the best teacher within the entire university) which Neck won an extraordinary TEN (10) times during the following years: 1996, '98, 2000, '02, '04, '05, '06, '07, '08, and '09. At Virginia Tech, he was also the recipient of the 2002 Wine Award for Teaching Excellence.  

In 2020, Neck was voted as a semi-finalist for the Cherry Award for Great Teaching. Neck finished in the top six out of 140 nominations for this prestigious international award sponsored by Baylor University. Neck was also the recipient of the 2007 Business Week Favorite Professor Award. He is featured on businessweek.com as one of the approximately 20 professors selected from across the world to receive this award.

Dr. Neck has facilitated training seminars for a number of corporations and other organizations, including: 

• GE/Toshiba
• Busch Gardens
• Clark Construction
• U.S. Army
• Crestar
• American Family Insurance
• Sales and Marketing Executives International
• American Airlines
• American Electric Power
• W.L. Gore & Associates
• Dillard's Department Stores
• Prudential Life Insurance. 

Chris also serves as the Deputy Editor of The Journal of Leadership and Management. Due to his expertise in management, Neck has been cited in numerous national publications including:

• Washington Post
• Wall Street Journal
• Los Angeles Times
• Houston Chronicle
• Chicago Tribute

Dr. Neck's research specialties include employee/executive fitness, self-leadership, leadership, group decision-making processes, and self-managing teams. He has over 150 publications in the form of books, book chapters, and articles in various journals. Some of the scholarly outlets that have featured Chris's work include:

• Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes
• Journal of Organizational Behavior
• The Academy of Management Executive
• Journal of Applied Behavioral Science
• Journal of Managerial Psychology,
• Executive Excellence
• Human Relations
• Human Resource Development Quarterly
• Journal of Leadership Studies
• Educational Leadership
• The Commercial Law Journal
• Journal of Leadership and Management

Neck is author and/or coauthor of twenty-two books, including:  (click on link to buy book)

• Self-Leadership: The Definitive Guide to Personal Excellence (2017, 2019, SAGE).

• Get a Kick Out of Life: Expect the Best of Your Body, Mind, and Soul at Any Age (Clovercroft, 2017).

• Fit to Lead: The Proven 8-week Solution for Shaping Up Your Body, Your Mind, and Your Career (2012, Carpenter's Sons Publishing; 2004, St Martin's Press.

• Mastering Self-Leadership: Empowering Yourself for Personal Excellence, 6th Edition (2013, Pearson).

• The Wisdom of Solomon at Work (2001, Berrett-Koehler).

• For Team Members Only: Making Your Workplace Team Productive and Hassle-Free (1997, Amacom Books).

• Medicine for the Mind: Healing Words to Help You Soar, 4th Edition (2012, Wiley).

• Management: A Balanced Approach to the 21st Century (2013, Wiley; 2017, Wiley [2nd Edition]; 2021, SAGE [3rd Edition]). 

• Entrepreneurship (2017, SAGE; 2020, SAGE [2nd Edition]). Organizational Behavior (2017, SAGE; 2019, SAGE [2nd Edition]).  

Chris is a husband and proud father of a son and daughter. Also an avid runner, he has completed twelve marathons, including the New York, San Diego, and elite Boston. To date, Chris's longest continuous run is 48 miles. 

For more information about Dr. Neck's work and consulting services, or to contact him personally, please visit his personal or professional website.  

Click HERE to view Chris Neck's faculty webpage at Arizona State University

Click HERE to view Chris Neck's personal webpage

Click HERE to watch Dr. Neck speak to a live audience at St. Vincent College

NOTE: This article is the 19th in a series of 22 articles on the subject of LIFE RULES.

Click HERE to access quick links to the other 21 articles.   

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Publisher's Note: This is the 260th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 259 FF Blog Articles.  

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Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

And if you liked this blog post, please share it with your family, friends, colleagues, and students—and encourage them to sign up to receive future articles for FREE every Wednesday.

To sign up, please email freedomfocused@gmail.com and say SUBSCRIBE, or just YES, and we will ensure you receive a link to each new blog article every Wednesday.  

Click HERE to learn more about Freedom Focused

Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Jordan Jensen

Click HERE to buy the SAL Textbooks

Principles of Parenting from a Flawed Stay-at-Home Dad

With my three kids and some of their cousins; Summer 2020.

I want to sincerely THANK YOU—my readers—for your interest in and support of last week's article on my career failures and adventures in parenting.

Of the 259 blog articles I have published since 2013, last week's post broke a number of publishing records in terms of web traffic.

This fact suggests to me that the subject of PARENTHOOD—in conjunction with life and career failures—resonates deeply with many people, including many readers of the FF Blog.

As such—and at the nudging of a wise and trusted colleague and friend—this week's article is a follow-up to last week's post.

Preparation precedes parental Success.

In the spirit of "Rules for Life," which we have been highlighting the past several months, this week's post attempts to isolate and articulate some key lessons I've learned as a stay-at-home dad with the aim of producing a list of "Parenting Principles" we hope will be enlightening and helpful to others. 

I confess that I approach this endeavor with humility, and even some hesitancy. 

Why? 

Because I am admittedly a flawed human being and father. I don't do life or parenting perfectly. Moreover, I am still a relatively young parent who has never experienced raising teenagers or parenting young adults or adult children. Consequently, I know that whatever I might have to say on this subject down the road a ways will be wiser and more instructive and substantive than anything I may share today. 

Nevertheless, for whatever it might be worth to others—and particularly to younger people who are either new parents, relatively new parents (like me), or future parents—I will respond to the obvious demand for more material on the subject of PARENTHOOD. First, I will state the 13 principles without any added commentary. Then, I will restate the principles again and pontificate a bit on each by drawing from the wells of my own knowledge and experience as a parent.  

With Lina Marie: the Queen of the Jensen family.

My existential equal—and in many ways, my superior.

My Best Friend, my closest Confidante, and my Lady.

The absolute LOVE of my LIFE whom I endlessly adore.

13 Principles of Parenting

From a relatively new & unquestionably flawed Stay-at-Home Dad

PRINCIPLE 1. Spend your entire pre-parental life studying and preparing to meet, attract, court, marry—and then stay happily married to—the greatest spouse and future co-parent you can possibly find.

PRINCIPLE 2. As part of your preparation for marriage, ensure you have a good handle on any serious mental or emotional issues you may face.

PRINCIPLE 3: Do the hard work necessary to identify and then heal from wounds you may have incurred from your own Mom and/or Dad's imperfect parenting practices.

PRINCIPLE 4. Recognize that YOU are, and always will be, a flawed parent, but that you can (and should) always strive to get better.

PRINCIPLE 5. As a parent, BE YOUR BEST SELF and avoid comparing yourself to others.

PRINCIPLE 6. Aim at BALANCE instead of perfection.

PRINCIPLE 7. Take care of yourself.

PRINCIPLE 8. Lots of Sugar and Lots of Love.

PRINCIPLE 9. Never shy away from saying: "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," and "Will you forgive me?"

PRINCIPLE 10. Be the change you wish to see in your family and home.

PRINCIPLE 11. Demonstrate openly to your children that you love, care for, appreciate, respect, and adore your spouse.

PRINCIPLE 12. Continually (not to be confused with continuously) teach your kids principles of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) as you continuously model SAL practices yourself.

PRINCIPLE 13. Give your kids sufficient FREEDOM to ultimately govern themselves.

..............................................................................................

And now, for those who'd like to delve a little deeper into these 13 Principles...

If it's worth doing, it's worth
studying and preparing for.

PRINCIPLE 1.  Spend your entire pre-parental life studying and preparing to meet, attract, court, marry—and then stay happily married to—the greatest spouse and future co-parent you can possibly find.

The best way to accomplish this objective is to diligently study the principles of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) and then holistically incorporate the practices of SAL into your life in a never-ending quest to do the very best you can to make the most of yourself in your life and career.

I recognize the IDEAL of a 2-parent family with a mother and father raising children together is not always possible for everyone throughout their lives. The good news is that single-parenting, while not ideal, remains a doable task at which individuals can still achieve great success. I know this is true because of my own experiences parenting when Lina was away traveling for work. She's visited 11 foreign countries and been gone for up to 2-weeks at a time with her job. These absences were difficult and challenging for the kids and me.

But we survived!

And in the aggregate, we even managed to thrive—not to the extent we do when Mama (the heart and soul of our family) is home—but as is always the case in this imperfect world of weariness and woe: self-action leaders who are committed to doing the best they can with whatever they've got can still find happiness and success at any period of time and in any stage of life—regardless of their circumstances.      

If you need help, get help.

PRINCIPLE 2.  As part of your preparation for marriage, ensure you have a good handle on any serious mental or emotional issues you may face.   

A big mistake some single people make is to get married in hopes that marriage will somehow make their personal problems go away. And a big mistake some married people make is to have children in hopes that adding kids to the mix will somehow solve their marital (or personal) issues. Common sense—and the experience of countless unhappy (and divorced) persons—suggests the exact opposite is true: adding complexity to an already pressing problem usually just exacerbates the problem. 

It is up to YOU as a self-action leader to take responsibility for your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and well being. It is also YOUR responsibility as a self-action leader to make sure you are prepared to take on the responsibilities of adding new relationships into your life. Your duty as a self-action leader is to positively contribute to relationships and make them better by pulling your own weight and serving those with whom you live and work. It is not the responsibility of others (including your spouse) to "make you happy." Happiness and success is always a personal responsibility. While positive and constructive relationships can undoubtedly enhance and increase your happiness and success as an individual, negative and destructive relationships have the exact opposite effect.  

A receipt from one of my counseling sessions during college.

By the time I met Lina, I had spent several years working on my OCD and depression—both as an individual and with the help of multiple mental health professionals. As our dating relationship became more serious, I was up-front and honest with Lina about my mental illness, thus providing her with ample opportunity to consider what she would be getting herself into were she to decide to marry me.

Despite all the work I had done to improve my mental health prior to marrying Lina, lingering effects of my OCD and depression continue to have an impact on our relationship up to the present day. This has been a challenge in our marriage, and especially so in the early years of our marriage. However, because I properly prepared myself before marriage and have remained committed after marriage to continue to work on my mental health, this challenge has not become an insurmountable obstacle or an unresolvable issue. Moreover, as we work together on our relationship within a framework of whatever challenges we face and whatever weaknesses we have, we have been successful in making continual progress. As a result, we have ultimately grown even closer together in our marital bond and affection.

      

No one has perfect parents...
But thank God we have them!

PRINCIPLE 3:  Do the hard work necessary to identify and then heal from wounds you may have incurred from your own Mom and/or Dad's imperfect parenting practices. 

No parent is perfect.

Even the best moms and dads have their flaws, shortcomings, idiosyncracies, and sins. You cannot change who your parents are or how they may have parented you. But you can objectively identify their strengths and weaknesses, pros and cons, and then make a conscious choice to, in the words of a famous Bing Crosby song: "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, ... spread joy ... [and] have faith" (1).

My parents are incredible people who were blessed with extraordinary gifts and abilities that they worked hard to develop in their lives. Indeed, I attribute many of my own talents, capacities, and propensities to the genetic and mimetic influences of my Mother and Father.

However, like all other parents (including ME), they are imperfect people who made a variety of errors throughout their lives. By learning from my parents strengths and weaknesses, I have been able to allow their imperfect best efforts in life to positively instruct and influence my own life and career. Instead of condemning them for their imperfections, I have allowed their shortcomings to inspire me to make improvements in my own life and strive to be wiser than they were. And I hope and trust my children will do the same with Lina's and my imperfect parenting legacy.  

This ongoing effort and process has been a tremendous blessing in my life. As a result, it has drawn me closer to my parents and empowered me to honor their lives and legacies in my thoughts, speech, and actions. Someday down the road, when I am called upon to speak at their funerals, I know exactly what I am going to say: "My parents were not perfect; yet somehow, they were perfect for me!"

With all my heart, I really mean that.  

PRINCIPLE 4.  Recognize that YOU are, and always will be, a flawed parent, but that you can (and should) always strive to get better.

It's hard to truly improve at anything until you are honest with yourself about your own inadequacies and are able to make peace with your present imperfections. But remember, the point of making peace with your own weaknesses is not to create contentment with mediocrity, but to free up the emotional energy required to make small, important, and incremental improvements over time.  

Effective and authentic self-action leaders are always aiming at IDEALS. In this sense, they are very much idealists and perfectionists. In the long run, they are therefore never completely satisfied with anything less than the IDEAL and the PERFECT. However, they are concurrently reasonable and pragmatic REALISTS. As such, they comprehend the evolutionary and time-consuming nature of personal or professional improvement and growth. Thus, they are patient people—and that patience extends as liberally to themselves as it does to others.    

PRINCIPLE 5. As a parent, BE YOUR BEST SELF and avoid comparing yourself to others.

I have many weaknesses as a parent. For example, if you were to compare my parenting skills to my little sister, Jessie—especially when it comes to organization, orderliness, and scheduling discipline (Jess's greatest strengths)—I'd lag many miles behind her sterling example in these areas. However, I understand that to be a good, caring, and effective parent, I don't have to be as orderly, organized, or disciplined in my scheduling strategies as Jessie. 

Likewise, I have strengths in areas where Jessie is weaker—but that does not make Jessie any less good, caring, or effective in her overall parenting capacity or objectives. 

There are a few really important boxes (e.g. food, clothing, shelter, education, love, variety, and moral values) that all parents must check in order to accomplish their job in a healthy and balanced manner. But beyond that, there is no limit to the styles and formats that may be applied to get the job done. As such, there is no need to unduly compare yourself to any other parent.

It is appropriate to learn from other parent's strengths and weaknesses; but don't waste your time in continually feeling inadequate because you don't quite measure up to someone else's greatest strengths. YOU  ARE  GOOD  ENOUGH  AS  YOU  ARE... so long as you are committed to being your imperfect best and never giving up in your efforts to improve.

PRINCIPLE 6.  Aim at BALANCE instead of perfection. 

There are times in life when it is important to get something PERFECT, or just right. There are many other times, however, when "Good Enough" is and ought to be, well, good enough!

My OCD has influenced a significant strain of perfectionism in my own personality. There are times, such as when I am editing a written composition, when this strain of perfectionism is very useful and ought to be fully unleashed.

But there are many other times, especially when it comes to my interaction with members of my family, when being overly perfectionistic can cast a negative pall over my most important relationships. Wise parents learn early on that being overly perfectionistic can actually damage relationships and otherwise complicate an already baggage-laden home dynamic.

In combatting negative perfectionism, I encourage you to reflect on the insightful advice I once heard a wise man utter. Said he: There are times in life when it is important to be right; but most of the time, it is more important to be easy to live with."

"There are times in life when it is important to be right;

but most of the time, it is more important to be easy to live with."

—Christoffel Golden

Learn to find contentment when
something is "Good Enough."

The 80-Percent Rule

To help combat my own perfectionistic tendencies, I have invented something I call the "80-percent Rule."

The 80% rule states that unless something is a matter of life and death or an issue of some other rationally objective immediacy or import, then it does not have to be done perfectly—80% will do.

In other words, the goal of a happy home life should not be to always get straight A's in everything you undertake. Rather, the goal should be to shoot for a happy life marked by healthy relationships made possible by BALANCE rather than PERFECTION. To animate this rule in my own personal practice as a husband and father in my home, I consciously filter tasks and activities in my mind based on whether they really need to be done perfectly, or whether "Good Enough" will be good enough. When I'm really honest with myself, most tasks and activities fall into the latter category, and I try to approach them with a mindset of earning a "B-grade" (Balance) as opposed to an A-grade (perfection).

For example, ideally the kids and I would have the house clean every day when Lina got home from work. I know that in a perfect world, she'd LOVE for us to realize that IDEAL. However, realistically, we only have enough energy and motivation to get the house really orderly once per week—on FRIDAYS. We are, however, very faithful about this realistic practice. As a result, Lina knows that she can realistically expect to come home each Friday to a clean and orderly home—and she loves, appreciates, and understands our practical intentions, efforts, and successes in this regard. And instead of being mad at us for not cleaning the house every day, she looks forward optimistically and gratefully to each Friday that comes along! 

I promise you that in the long run you will be happier, more content, and experience more peace in your home if you focus on getting a variety of things "Good Enough" than you will if you are always sweating the small stuff and continually aiming at perfection. Parenting is not a hundred-yard dash; it is an ultra marathon, and you increase your chances of successfully finishing the race if you pace yourself in a practicable, realistic, and balanced manner.

There isn't a self-action leader on the planet who has the motivation, energy, and wherewithal to make everything perfect all the time. As such, even the very best among us must make choices that prioritize what is really most important to oneself and one's family—and then unleash our limited capacities in a targeted and organized fashion aimed at honoring those realistic priorities.     

PRINCIPLE 7.  Take care of yourself. 

On an airplane, flight attendants always instruct you to "Secure your own mask before helping others with theirs." This is a fundamental of effectively helping others. You simply won't be of much use to others until and unless you are in excellent order and shape yourself. 

In last week's article, I talked about the importance of PHYSICAL EXERCISE to not only my physical health and fitness, but to my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. In short, exercise makes me a better parent and helps give me the strength and speed to (literally) keep up with my kids. 

In addition to physical exercise, it is vital that you and your spouse schedule in opportunities for personal time and couple time away from the kids. However short and sporadic these individual breaks and dates may be, do not neglect them. Like exercise, these scheduled times away from your kids will be your "saw sharpening" (2) saving grace.

One simple thing Lina and I do to accomplish this objective is to take turns putting the kids to bed at night. This makes it possible for us to both get a "night off" every other night. As much as we cherish the time we spend with our kids prior to bedtime, we likewise cherish a regular opportunity to have a little "me-time." For much of our marriage, we helped each other with bedtime duty.  Over time, however, we recognized the wisdom and benefits of taking turns.

When and where possible, it is also appropriate and beneficial for spouses to support each other in taking longer personal breaks away from the kids. For example, Lina recently went on a several day cruise with a gaggle of her girl-cousins while I stayed home with the kids. They had a ball and obtained some much-needed R&R away from me, the kids, and other responsibilities at home and work. This was not the first time I had served Lina in this way, and she has done the same for me on multiple occasions as well.

For example, during the kid's spring break in 2016, she arranged to let me go spend three days and two nights away from the kids in a hotel all by myself. It was a much-needed respite from my daddy duties during my most difficult year of parenting. Then, in 2019, she arranged for me to be able to travel to Utah to compete in an Ironman 70.3 Triathlon. It was a fun and special memory and an AMAZING break from the kids.  

With Lina on an Alaskan Cruise; Summer 2017
We paid family to watch our kids for the week.

As for couple time—it is just as important as "me-time." Such time should properly prioritize key elements of a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. This includes communication, time away from the kids (e.g. "Date Nights") and an active sex life that is balanced, healthy, and mutually appropriate, satisfying, and monogamous.

All of the above requires that both partners commit themselves completely to the relationship. Anything less than a 100% commitment by either partner will, in-time, lead to distractions and selfishness that will eventually erode the quality of the relationship. Such erosions left unchecked will lead to the decline or even the demise and divorce of the marriage.

Despite the appallingly high statistics surrounding divorce in our nation, the fact remains that human beings have a remarkable capacity to work hard and stay committed to whatever is most important to them. If you really want your marriage and family to work and last, you CAN SUCCEED. But long-term success requires—nay, demands— that you fully invest yourself to willingly do whatever is necessary to maintain a complete commitment to the cause. In so doing, it is helpful to remind yourself that there is no greater cause than marriage and family life. It is, after all, in these relationships that human beings experience their greatest joys and sorrows—as well as their greatest blisses and misses.

All things considered, the joys and blisses are worth working for!  

 

PRINCIPLE 8.  Lots of Sugar and Lots of Love.

I recognize many parents will disagree with the first half of this principle; and that is okay. In fact, if you can succeed as a parent without lots of sugar, I heartily commend you and confess that you are a much better parent than I am. 

As for the second half of this principle; it goes without saying—nevertheless, because it is so important, it is also worth explicitly SAYING!

You've gotta give the little loves lots and lots of LOVE! 

There are many different ways to shower your kids with love. One way is appropriate physical touch and affection. I personally am a very affectionate person with both my wife and children, and I can attest that regular (daily) hugs, kisses, high fives, pats on the back, snuggles, etc., go a long way in nurturing loving relationships. 

Winston Churchill as a boy

Another way to demonstrate love is deserved PRAISE. Too common are the tales of children who craved praise from their parents yet were desperately and cruelly denied the desire of their heart. One of the most famous examples of this was Winston Churchill.

The good news is that ole' Winston proved you can still make something of yourself and enjoy a happy, successful life even if you were denied the love, attention, and affection you sought in your youth from your parents. However, I for one, would be loathe to repeat what I believe were the parenting errors of Lord Randolph Churchill and his American wife, Mrs. Jennie Jerome Churchill—and that is to say nothing of their missed opportunities and joy in parenting their august, history-altering son: Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill.  

Perhaps the most authentic and sincere demonstration of love is spelled "T-I-M-E." I know for myself it is easier to praise and be affectionate than it is to devote longer blocks of time with my children doing what they want to do. I confess this is a weakness for me; but knowing its importance, I never give up in my efforts to attend to this vital and priceless yet sometimes difficult sacrifice of my own time.     

PRINCIPLE 9.  Never shy away from saying: "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," and "Will you forgive me?"

It takes humility and courage to practice principle nine. And that is why all great parents do it. 

PRINCIPLE 10.  Be the change you wish to see in your family and home.

As a parent, it can sometimes be easy (and tempting) to slip into the roles of slave driver, drill sergeant, and/or micromanager. And there are times when all three of these roles must be played for short periods of time during moments of emergency (or other import) as well as throughout the process of EDUCATION in a given area. However, such roles should be the exception, not the rule. Most of the time, your most compelling leadership influence should be your own EXAMPLE.

Simply Stated: Children will believe and be influenced by what they see you DO far more—and far longer—than they will believe and be influenced by what they hear you SAY.  

I absolutely ADORE my wife, Lina...
and all my kids (and readers) know it. Why?
Cuz I demonstrate that love over and over and over again.

PRINCIPLE 11.  Demonstrate openly to your children that you love, care for, appreciate, respect, and adore your spouse. 

Make sure your kids know you see your spouse as your existential equal—and where relevant, as your situational or subject superior. For example, Lina blows me out of the water in anything related to math, science, technology, and music, and I make sure my kids are aware of this fact—and that I am super proud of her for her achievements in these areas.

Also ensure they know how much you love him/her. I accomplish this by continually verbalizing my love, respect, and admiration for/of Lina. I am also very physically affectionate with my wife in front of my kids. This is not hard to do because I've always loved physical affection—even as a little boy I was quite affectionate with my parents (and vice versa—to their credit). Plus, I love hugging and kissing my wife, so why wouldn't I do it everyday?

My kids know I love their mother because I am constantly telling and showing them that I do. I also make a conscious effort to praise my wife in front of my kids, and explicitly tell my children the whats and whys that make Lina so wonderful and special to me.

Simply stated, there is no doubt or question in my kids' minds about who my favorite person in the whole world is (Lina) as well as who my second favorite people are (Tucker, Kara, and Tyler).  

Lastly, Lina and I regularly hire a babysitter to watch the kids for a weekend evening so we can go out on dates. Grandma and Grandpa or other family members also help out on occasion so that once or twice a year we can spend extended time together alone on a romantic getaway to celebrate a birthday or anniversary. We both look forward to these getaways and enjoy them immensely. The kids know we do this because we love each other deeply and desire to spend one-on-one time with each other from time-to-time to strengthen our marital relationship.  

PRINCIPLE 12.  Continually (not to be confused with continuously) teach your kids principles of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) as you continuously model SAL practices yourself. 

Anything can be overdone—even important and positive things like SAL! Knowing this fact, I do not continuously or constantly drill my kids in moral concepts and lessons. But I am continually doing so. The distinction between these very similar words is crucial.  

By taking this focused, but balanced, approach, my kids know how much I value morality, integrity, and SAL. At the same time, they do not take me for a prude who is incapable of loosening up and having fun. 

PRINCIPLE 13.  Give your kids sufficient FREEDOM to ultimately govern themselves. 

After you have taught your kids correct principles and modeled correct practices, give them ample room and liberty to make their own decisions, pursue their own passions, and otherwise govern their own lives.

My admittedly imperfect parents were MASTERS of this final principle. It was, in fact, their embrace of this idea that provided me with so much freedom and opportunity to pursue my own creative and ambitious course in life. Moreover, it is the driving force behind my passionate conviction that while they were not perfect, they were somehow perfect for me.  

To illustrate how they exemplified this principle, consider the following anecdote from a couple of decades ago...

I'll never forget the day I went to my parents and announced my post college graduation plans to move to the other side of the country (from Utah to Georgia) and, quite literally, "seek my fortunes" from scratch. 

No matter that I hardly had any money.

     No matter that I didn't have a single prospect for gainful employment.

          And no matter that I wasn't entirely sure yet where I'd live when I got there.

On my way to Atlanta for the first time; August 2003.

Not only did my Dad fully support my desire and ambition,

he also accompanied me on a two-week cross-country

road trip to drop me off before flying back to Utah himself.

What a guy!  What a Father!  I'll love him forever.   

Despite this array of dangling variables, my Dad's explicit reaction was unreservedly enthusiastic and wholeheartedly supportive of the idea. Without any qualifications, he simply cheered me on. My Mom had no reservations either, although her support was more implicitly communicated. 

Now... I know what some of you are thinking right now, and I totally get the fact that this kind of a parental response would, in some cases, be irresponsible. Heck, viewed through a strictly objective lens, it was probably irresponsible in my own parent's case. But just imagine how negatively impactful most parenting would be if every decision was made in a sterile, objective manner, without any consideration for differences in a child's personality, temperament, capacity, history, ambitions, proclivities and potential?

It would be an unmitigated disaster and a sure-fire recipe for ruining countless parent-child relationships. 

Moving to Georgia turned out to be one of the most important decisions of my life. Not only did I grow  and mature immensely, but Atlanta—the city where dreams come true—is where I met and dated Lina.

However (objectively) questionable my parent's response to my audacious decision to move to Georgia may have been, that same response was (subjectively) PERFECT for me; and I'll forever be grateful and praise their names for that—and so many other, similar—responses to the admittedly unorthodox pathway I have chosen to travel throughout my life.

Truly, my imperfect parents were somehow PERFECT for me!

I close with the inspired words of a famous Garth Brooks' song: 

You can cry for 'em,

Live and die for 'em.

You can help 'em find their wings

But you can't fly for 'em
Cause if they're not free to fall, then they're not free at all
And though you just can't bear the though of letting go
You pick 'em up
Dust 'em off
And send 'em on down the road (3).

Click HERE to hear Garth Brooks' song, Send 'em on Down the Road.
 

NOTE: This article is the 18th in a series of 22 articles on the subject of LIFE RULES.

Click HERE to access quick links to the other 21 articles.   

—Dr. JJ

April 6, 2022

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

Author's Note: This is the 259th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 258 FF Blog Articles.  

.........................

Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

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Notes:

1. "Accentuate the Positive." 1944 by Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters. Lyrics by Johnny Mercer. 

2. Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change [Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw]. New York, NY: Fireside. 

3. "Send 'Em on Down the Road" (Garth Brooks). Written by Allen Shamblin and Marc Beeson.