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| Our Wedding Day 8-8-08 |
And I absolutely adore my wife, Lina Marie (née Tucker) Jensen.
Marriage is, in my opinion, the most magnificent institution in all the world—if not the universe.
But...
That doesn't mean it's always easy. Nor does it mean that Lina's and my marriage is perfect.
It's not!
As I have reflected back on previous posts I have written, it has dawned on me that I have perhaps written too much in the past about the positives of marriage—and more specifically, my marriage—and not enough about the realities and challenges thereof.
Don't get the wrong idea... everything I have published in the past is authentic, real, and true. I really am deeply in love with my wife. I really do adore virtually everything about her. And I really am happily married to my best friend and closest confidante.
However...
That is only part of the story—the BEST part of the story.
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| All marriages experience a measure of squabbles. Mine certainly does! |
The Freedom Focused blog is dedicated to being honest about reality and then courageously taking action to improve that reality—however presently bleak or challenging it may be. As such, I am committed to being transparent about my own reality—the good and the bad—in order to paint an accurate picture that I hope will prove hopeful and beneficial to others.
The truth is that amidst the many and varied blisses of our marriage, Lina and I have also experienced our share of misses. Even the best marriages do. There is no perfect marriage in this world.
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| In a typical marriage, it is not unusual to disagree (or even argue) from time-to-time. The important thing is not to have a lack of disagreements. The important thing is to lovingly resolve them and improve over time. |
In other words, it is entirely human (and very natural) to have disagreements or arguments in a marriage—or any other relationship for that matter. The goal of marriage and other relationships should not be to avoid all conflict and confrontation. The goal should be to consistently and respectfully resolve whatever disagreements arise. Sometimes a resolution can occur through a compromise—or better yet, through an improved plan that provides a "Win-Win" (1) agreement, something that Stephen Covey refers to as a "Third Alternative" (2), which refers to a proposition that is better than what either individual originally proposed. And sometimes, you may have to "agree to disagree." In doing so, the goal should be to do so agreeably!
Along the often circuitous and cycling pathways of conjugality, every marriage partner is going to get their feelings hurt from time-to-time and otherwise experience negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, disappointment, disillusionment, frustration, irritation, rejection, and sorrow.
That's just the way things are—unless, that is, you are much better at marriage than Lina and me; or unless you are simply beyond "feeling."
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| Just like a healthy stock market, a healthy marriage can still experience regular ups and downs. |
I personally like to look at things through a statistical lens. Viewed strictly statistically, if we experience a "miss" every 7-10 days, that means that we are experiencing 7-10 times MORE blisses than misses. And while I'm not privy to the inner workings of any marriages other than my own—I prefer to stay out of other people's personal business and affairs as much as I possibly can—I'd wager that an 85-90% contentment rate is probably really good!
Suffice it to say, while my marriage isn't perfect yet, and while it unlikely ever will be in this life and world, I am, all things considered, pretty pleased overall with how things are going. I am also deeply committed to continue working on my marriage to my dying day, with a full recognition that relationships—like any other living, breathing, and growing entity—must be carefully cared for, cultivated, and nurtured if they are going to grow and thrive.
Thus, as I reflect on what has worked and what has not worked in my own marriage, several components of Self-Action Leadership come to mind.
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| Existentially speaking, Lina is my absolute equal, and vice versa |
Cultivating this SAL-attitude of equality has powerfully influenced our marriage for good because harboring this core belief instills both of us with a deep, abiding, and sincere respect for each other.
Next, while we are both inherently positive and optimistic in the way we think, act, and approach our lives, we are also fully committed to REALITY. Grounding oneself in the way things really are can prove very helpful in getting rid of unrealistic expectations and illusions in your marriage, career, or life. Taking the optimistic-realist approach has blissfully enriched our actual relationship while minimizing our disappointment when things don't always turn out as magically as a fictionally scripted rom-com. This realistic approach also helps us work through those recurring moments of negative emotion triggered by an unmet expectation, or a miscommunication or misunderstanding.
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| Sometimes, you just need to "be mad for a while" |
Why?
Simple... because sometimes you not only feel upset, but you both want and need to feel that way for a little while in order to properly process your feelings in preparation to resolve them. In the words of a famous Country song sung by Terri Clark...
"I'll never leave, I'll never stray,
My love for you will never change,
But I ain't ready to make up; we'll get around to that.
I think I'm right, I think you're wrong,
I'll probably give in before long,
Please don't make me smile...
I just want to be mad for a while!" (1)
Click HERE to watch and listen to Terri Clark perform in her music video: I Just Wanna be Mad
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| On occasion, you may need a little more space than the typical marital bed naturally provides! |
And in my opinion... that is OKAY!
As important as it is to be together, it is just as important to periodically give each other a little space and time to process things in solitude. I don't know about you, but in my experience, it is virtually impossible to just snap your fingers and will yourself to feel differently at a moment's notice.
There are, of course, many things you can do to influence a change in your feelings over time. But the operative word in this case is TIME. Oftentimes, when feelings have been injured, it takes some time for things to heal—even after the initial smoke has cleared and even after appropriate apologies have been offered and other penances have been made.
For Lina and me, it never seems to take too long for us to resolve our hurt feelings and get back to a contented state in our marriage. This is a blessing and a serendipitous grace that has developed over time through a lot of effort and practice on our part. If you find that you are going days or even weeks or months without being able to let go of something, then it may be wise to seek out the help of a trusted family member, friend, or professional counselor.
And speaking of MARRIAGE COUNSELING...
It may surprise many of my readers to learn that Lina and I have been to marriage counseling ourselves!
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| There is no shame in seeking out marital counseling. It is, in fact, a significant indicator of courage and humility. |
The fact that we were willing to seek out this additional help was an outgrowth of my own extensive experiences with professional counseling for my personal issues involving obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression. I had been in-and-out of counseling so many times for my personal issues, it seemed somewhat natural to similarly seek out help when facing a marital obstacle with which we were struggling beyond our own power to immediately resolve.
This has been one of the many blessings of my history working with mental illness. Seeking out counseling if and/or when you need it for either yourself or your marriage is NOT a sign of weakness. To the contrary, it is a sign of great courage, strength, and humility.
Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's experience battling OCD and Depression.
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| All things told, marriage has been a pretty magical ride for Lina and me |
If you desire these same kinds of results in your own marriage, I recommend your consideration of the following marital guidelines.
Rules for Success in Marriage
- Before marriage, keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, keep your eyes half shut.
- Marry someone only if you really want to marry them.
- Don't try to change your spouse.
- "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, spread joy, and have faith."
- Make a 100% commitment to your marriage.
- Compliment, praise, serve, and otherwise lift each other.
- Wisely harness the magic of SEX in marriage.
- Don't sweat the small stuff; but do sweat the big stuff.
- Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
- Make time for and cherish each other.
- Strive diligently for personal excellence.
- Earn trust.
- Take time to celebrate.
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| Before marriage: eyes wide open... After marriage: eyes half shut! |
This sage counsel is a direct quote from Benjamin Franklin. What a wise person, philosopher, and leader ole' Ben was!
Never marry someone with the intent of reforming them after you tie the knot. Instead, harbor high standards throughout the dating process and don't settle for anyone less than your best. Be realistic, but don't be afraid to shoot for the stars in marriage (or anything else in your life). But remember: you are unlikely to attract anyone whose ability or character exceeds your own, so the best way to attract the best partner is to strive to become the best person of which you are capable.
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| Marry for Love |
2. Marry Someone Only if You Really Want to Marry Them.
Don't tie the knot because someone else thinks you should, or for money, or for mere convenience, or for any other reason other than you really love your chosen partner and feel a deep and mutual personal and romantic connection with him or her.
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| No one wants to be married to a critic or a nag |
Nobody likes to live with a critic or a nag. You will naturally attract the kind of person that you already are, so focus all of your pre-marital efforts on becoming what you most want in a marriage partner. Then, once you have found a solid match, proceed with care, compassion, patience, and a non-judgmental attitude. While spouses can have a powerful influence on each other (for good or ill), the greatest influence will always come from example, not criticism.
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| Like other things worth doing in life, Marriage is a leap of faith |
This advice is taken verbatim from an old Bing Crosby song (2). And it is advice I will swear by to the end of my days. No one wants to live with a "Debbie Downer" or a "Pessimistic Peter." While anything can be taken to extremes, including optimism, you will—as a general rule—find just about as much happiness in marriage as you are mutually willing to create out of your own commitment to being positive, proactive, thoughtful, and service-oriented.
As for the "have faith" part of this equation, let's face it: marriage is one of the greatest leaps of faith anyone can ever take. And sadly, many marriages do not go the distance. Just as sadly, many that do go the distance do not do so happily. Nevertheless, for the potential blessings and blisses that await the determined, proactive, and persistent, it is a leap of faith worth taking! And when you face difficulties, don't give up. Have faith and push through. If you do, you may just find that the biggest blessings and blisses of all are found on the other side of obstacles that once seemed insurmountable. Oftentimes present trials are the price life demands for the most precious of future blessings.
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| Anything less than a 100% commitment by both marriage partners is likely to lead to either disunity or divorce |
If you are going to do something, why not do it right by giving it your all? No matter what may lead to a failed marriage, all divorces have one thing in common: one—or both—of the partners failed to commit fully to the relationship. Come what may, a couple where both partners are 100% committed to the marriage cannot fail in the long run.
When you get married, give your whole soul to the marriage. Don't get married thinking, "Let's try this out and see what happens." Starter marriages are for the birds. Do it right, or don't do it at all!
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| "Thee lift me, and I'll lift thee And we shall both ascend together" |
6. Compliment, Praise, Serve, and Otherwise Lift Each Other
It's pretty easy to consistently compliment and praise Lina because she is so capable, intelligent, talented, accomplished, and attractive. It's not as easy to consistently serve and lift her in the relationship, but my efforts in these areas do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And it always strengthens my love for Lina and her affection for me. There's an old couplet worth mentioning here:
7. Wisely Harness the Magic of SEX in Marriage
There's nothing quite like "Make-up Sex!"
Utilize it to the advantage of your marriage!
On a more serious note (although I am serious about make-up sex!), the sexual needs and desires of individuals within a marriage couple will inevitably differ and undulate over time. This is one reason why sex—like money—can end up driving a wedge between married persons. There are no easy answers to this age-old problem; but there is a simple solution, and it is this: mutual concern, kind consideration, empathic listening, and genuine efforts to understand each other's unique needs. If both partners will listen to each other and demonstrate kindness and patience, sex problems will usually work themselves out over time. If issues surrounding sex persist or prolong, couples may benefit from professional counseling.
8. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff; But DO Sweat the Big Stuff.
One of the most powerful skills you can ever learn in marriage is to be able to let go of little things that don't really matter much. On the other hand, it is essential that both individuals are honest, transparent, and bold in communicating certain deeply-held priorities. Then, when a spouse crosses over the line of a major priority, it is essential that the other spouse confront the other and hold him or her accountable.
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| Couples should Communicate Regularly and Celebrate Achievements |
9. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
This guideline is an extension of rule eight (8): Sweat the Big Stuff. Successful relationships of any kind are almost always built on a foundation of honest, candid, and respectful communication. You've simply got to talk... especially when something is eating away at you. You cannot just hold everything in hoping that time alone will resolve problems in a relationship. You must consistently exercise the intestinal fortitude to communicate—and when necessary confront your spouse about important issues and emotionally charged subjects—and you've got to continue to do so until this practice is a reflexive and natural part of the relationship. Such openness and transparency is the only way to establish a successful, long-term, intimate relationship.
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| If you are willing to pay the price... The blisses of marriage far outnumber (and outweigh) the misses of marriage. |
The initial magic of courtship and romance will eventually diminish for even the most passionate and amorous of lovers. But that does not mean you ever have to shut the door on courtship or romance. I know I will never shut the door on either; I cherish these things—and Lina—way too much to ever do that!
However, the reality is that no matter who you are (or who you are married to) it will take a measure of focus and effort to keep the flame fully lit. If you are willing to always invest in that focus and effort, I guarantee you can remain deeply in love with, and perpetually passionate about, your spouse for the duration—come what may.
11. Strive Diligently for Personal Excellence
Of all the characteristics a human being can possess, there is perhaps no more attractive quality than simply being the best person you can possibly be. This is where Self-Action Leadership can prove so meaningful in your marriage. As you strive diligently to consistently be your very best self, it's hard to imagine that your spouse won't find that fact to be perpetually attractive.
There are many things I find attractive about Lina. One of the most attractive things of all is that she continually strives for—and consistently attains—excellence in everything she undertakes. That is very attractive. Nay, that is too weak... that is enormously SEXY and HOT!
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| Do whatever it takes to earn (and maintain) the Confidence of Your Spouse |
There is perhaps no more comforting feeling in life than knowing that you can completely trust your spouse. And there is perhaps no more discomfiting feeling than not being able to trust your spouse. Trust is dearly paid for, yet cheaply lost. In other words, you might spend decades earning the trust of your spouse only to lose it in a matter of moments.
Remember this great truth!
No one is perfect. All spouses will make commissions, omissions, and other errors that will require penitence and forgiveness. But amidst this reality, know clearly what the RED LINES are and do whatever you have to do to make sure you NEVER cross those red lines.
It's just not worth it.
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| Lina and I love to celebrate our life's wins... together, and as a family |
I'm a big believer in the value of celebrating the wins in life. Look for opportunities to celebrate as often as you can. Take time out to acknowledge each other's hard work and achievements. And make the most of your opportunities to celebrate the good things and wins in your lives and careers.
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In conclusion, marriage is not—nor will it ever be—perfect; at least not in this world. However, that does not mean marriage cannot be really fantastic—and consistently so! I know this is true because I've experienced it over-and-over again in my own marriage to Lina. Indeed, I must say that the blisses really have and do far outnumber—and outweigh—the misses; and that makes it all incredibly worth it!
Beginning next week, we will introduce a new theme with a focus on our two founding documents at Freedom Focused; namely, the FF Declaration of Independence and the FF Corporate Constitution.
Next week's article will address the historical meaning, importance, and value of the United States' Declaration of Independence. This presentation will preface our introduction of the Freedom Focused Declaration of Independence—a corporate analogue to the original document composed in 1776 by Thomas Jefferson and his colleagues in the Continental Congress (i.e. Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Roger Sherman, and Robert Livingston)—who represented various States among the original 13 British-held American Colonies.
NOTE: This article is the 22nd in a series of 22 articles on the subject of LIFE RULES.
Click HERE to access quick links to the other 21 articles.
—Dr. JJ
Author's Note: This is the 263rd Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013.
Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 262 FF Blog Articles.
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Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.
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