Expanding YOUR INFLUENCE through SAL

 

Chapter 26

Expanding YOUR INFLUENCE through SAL 

Plutarch
A.D. 46-119

"What you achieve inwardly changes your outer reality."

—Plutarch and Otto Rank

If you've been paying close attention and/or keeping track, this is the third time the above quote has appeared in this Life Leadership textbook; and it won't be the last time I use it.

Why the repetition?

The answer is that REPETITION is the key to RECEPTION, especially when the information doesn't come attached to any compelling personal, political, or emotional stimulus. Bottom line: Rote Learning is an essential pedagogical process in many educational contexts. 

If I had to pick just one quote to serve as the slogan for SAL, I would probably pick this quote by Plutarch and Rank. 

The idea and paradigm that I can alter my external reality by working on my internal, metaphysical world has been one of the most illuminating and empowering mindsets I've ever come across in all my life's education and experience. 

This principle of internal personal power has served as a rallying cry of hope and a harbinger of my potential in all my efforts and endeavors at self-improvement and personal change. It tersely encapsulates the driving ideology undergirding all of my personal and professional success—as well as the composition of this Life Leadership textbook.  

Thus, it has morphed into its own SAL Mantra, as follows:  

SAL Mantra

What you become inwardly changes your outer reality. 

When you consider your lack of control over so many of life's external events and realities, it can be a bit disappointing, disillusioning, depressing, and even discouraging. 

Disillusionment can be an especially frustrating mental state; but it is also a vital part of your SAL journey.

Why?

Because you'll never be able to fully picture your future potential until you can comprehend your current limitations. Similarly, you'll never know how much you can achieve with the help of SAL, Serendipity, and other people until you recognize, acknowledge, and accept how much you cannot achieve all by yourself. 

Thus, part of discovering what and who you are is concurrently discerning what and who who you aren't. 

And your saving grace is found in the recognition that the majority of the results you achieve externally in life is contingent on what goes on internally within your metaphysical world. 

As the famous Pastor, Chuck Swindoll, puts it: I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  

"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

—Charles R. Swindoll

Thus, we have a new SAL Mantra, as follows: Recognizing your limitations is part of discovering your possibilities. 

SAL Mantra

Recognizing your limitations is part of comprehending your possibilities. 

As you begin to experience the remarkable existential transformation attainable through SAL and Serendipity, you begin to see the world differently—and more accurately. This change in perspective creates a fundamental paradigm shift, which, in-turn, unleashes an ocean of unbounded potential and power. 

Thus, as Dr. Wayne W. Dyer so succinctly syllogizes: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. 

"When you change the way you look at things,

the things you look at change."

—Wayne W. Dyer

As you grow, develop, and evolve as a self-action leader and come to see life and the truth more clearly—as they really are—you increasingly sense, discern, and recognize the internal changes you must make in order to positively and productively alter your external reality.

The more sensitive you become to these mental, emotional, and conscience-rooted visceral promptings, the more empowered you will become to make necessary changes over time. As you do so, you will begin to observe your circumstances beginning to similarly improve over time. 

If, on the other hand, you choose to reject these promptings, then your external realities will either remain static, or gradually atrophy into deepening decline over time.    

The Miracle of SAL and Serendipity is that you don't have to change others to make the world—and YOUR world—a better place. You only have to change yourself and then be a good example—to let your light so shine as the Good Book says—for others to observe and potentially emulate. 

Florence Nightingale
1820-1910

For someone who used to feel an unhealthy responsibility for the entire world—and everyone in it—this knowledge has come as a huge relief to me and forever improved my quality of mind and life. Indeed, it is perpetually refreshing to remind myself that I don't have to change other people; I simply need to continually work on improving myself. By so doing, I naturally and organically increase my opportunities to influence others who, in-turn, may choose to change themselves by virtue of my influence.

This is the same basic recognition that changed the lives of Frederick Douglass, Abraham Lincoln, Florence Nightingale, Mohandas Gandhi, Oprah Winfrey, and many other inspirational and powerful self-action leaders throughout history. Private victories of personal dedication to self-discipline and True Principles always precede public victories of societal influence and structural change. (1) 

It always begins with the ONE—with you and with me. 

Hyrum W. Smith
1943-2019

Since I was just a little boy, I have always had a deep and compelling desire to influence other people in palpable, positive, and productive ways. This powerful yearning and aspiration mirrored my Uncle Hyrum W. Smith's "obsession" that he was supposed to "make a difference" in the world by the way he lived his life. (2)

As a teenager and younger man with great and honest intentions, but limited experience, insight, resources, and wisdom, I sometimes made the mistake of trying to influence other people by offering up unsolicited advice. As you can imagine, these well-intentioned but ill-advised, presumptuous, and obsessive-compulsive efforts did not help me win any friends, nor did it empower me to influence anyone. 

Over time, however, I gained more experience, insight, and wisdom into life and human nature, honed my empathic and people skills, learned to bridle my OCD, and gradually became more polished in my approach. Most importantly, I learned the ALL-IMPORTANT lesson that the best way to influence others to change was to focus first and foremost on changing and improving myself. 

Thus, the best way to influence others to change is to change yourself. 

SAL Mantra

The best way to influence others to change is to change yourself.

Thomas J. Watson—Chairman and CEO of IBM in the early 20th century—taught this great leadership truth when he said: Nothing so conclusively proves a man's ability to lead others as what he does from day-to-day to lead himself." 

"Nothing so conclusively proves a man's ability to lead others

as what he does from day-to-day to lead himself."

—Thomas J. Watson

To illustrate this great truth, consider the following example from a personal experience I had many years ago. I had traveled to Richmond, Virginia to visit one of my best friends—France Nielson—who was in Dental School at Virginia Commonwealth University. 

During my visit, France and I and a few of France's roommates decided to take a sightseeing trip to Washington D.C. During the road trip north to D.C., one of France's roommates—I'll call him Fred—rode in the same car as France and me. During the course of the drive, Fred was quite talkative. He was a charismatic and opinionated fellow who had a lot to say. 

I could related well to Fred in this regard because a lot of my life I was the same way. But at this particular juncture of my SAL journey, I was specifically working on talking less and listening more in social situations. 

Such was my game plan that day. 

Thus, I sat back and actively listened to everything Fred had to say, while saying almost nothing myself. 

About three-quarters of the way to Washington D.C., we reached a lull in the conversation when Fred jumped in to fill the silence with a personal question to me that I was not expecting. 

Said he: "What are your thoughts about this subject, Jordan? You know, YOU seem like a really wise person and I'm curious to know what you think."

I was shocked to hear this come out of Fred's mouth and nearly laughed out loud in response. 

"I'm a really wise person?" I thought to myself. "Heck, I've mostly just sat here in the back seat with my mouth shut!" 

I have no memory of what I said in response to Fred's unexpected query. But I will never forget the impact of my efforts at Active Listening.

If I had tried to compete with or shout Fred down with my own loud-mouthed opinions, he most likely would have disrespected me and resented my combativeness. By simply listening carefully and actively to what Fred had to say, I actually opened him up to hear what I might have to offer in return. 

This experience provided me with a remarkable life lesson on the ways in which effective listening increases our influence with others. If we want other people to listen to us, we must first be willing to listen to them. As Stephen R. Covey so famously taught in his Habit #5 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: "If you really want to be heard, then you must 'seek first to understand, then to be understood.'" (3) 

All are Free

As a self-action leader, YOU always maintain a degree of freedom and choice even in the direst of circumstances. 

I learned this great truth from Viktor Frankl's timeless book, Man's Search for Meaning. 

Viktor was a victim of Nazi terror, abuse, and imprisonment during World War II. He labored as a prisoner of war (POW) at some of the Nazi's most infamous camps, including Auschwitz, Kaufering, and Türkheim.

A psychiatrist by education and training, Frankl pondered his experiences as a POW after the war in an ongoing effort to mine life lessons and psychotherapeutic principles out of the odious ore of his horrendous experiences.

From his many observations, Frankl discerned that while the Nazis could strip him of his liberty and material possessions, they could never purloin his freedom to choose his attitude and responses to his situation and circumstances—not even at gunpoint. 

In his own inspiring words: 

"The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action. There were enough examples, often of a heroic nature, which proved apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress. 

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but thy offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

"And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate." (4)

My personal experiences with internal changes altering my external reality are many and varied. 

Consider the following two (2) examples...

FIRST, I am a professional public speaker. Since 2001, I have addressed over 20,000 people all over the English speaking world. I actually enjoy public speaking!

However, this was not always the case. Nearly 40 years ago, as a 9-year old boy in 1989, I was given an assignment to speak in my local church congregation of approximately 350 people.

I was terrified!

After white-knuckling it through my brief remarks, I was incredibly relieved and thought to myself: "I hope it's years before I have to do that again!"

Today, I not only get paid to speak, but I love it. There are, in fact, few things I would rather do than get up in front of a group of people and flap my gums for as long as they'll listen.

What changed over the past four decades?

Did public speaking change? Has the art of oratory qualitatively evolved during my lifetime? Have the fundamental dynamics of an audience somehow been altered in the new century?

The answer is: of course not!

    What, then, did change?

The answer is simple: I changed.

Despite the fears I've faced and the inadequacies I've felt, I continued to speak. I did it again, and again, and again, and again—no matter how nervous I may have felt.

I faced my fears.

I stood up to the butterflies in my stomach and let those fickle insecurities and flitting inadequacies know who was in charge. 

Doing so wasn't always easy, but several thousand public speaking opportunities later, this inner evolution has not only changed my outer reality, it has come to define and shape my entire career and life.

Emerson once said: He who is not every day conquering some fear has not discovered the secret of life. 

"He who is not every day conquering some fear has not discovered the secret of life."

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Similarly, John Wayne has remarked that: Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. 

Courage is being scared to death

and saddling up anyway."

—John Wayne

We cherish these quotes at Freedom Focused, and enthusiastically commend them to YOU. After all, you cannot rise to higher levels of Existential Growth without COURAGE and will.  

A SECOND example of how making internal improvements has led to positive changes in my external reality involves a most unpleasant experience I had with a middle school bully.

I was bullied in eighth grade by several boys. One fellow in particular named James was the worst of the group.

Most human beings experienced bullying at one time or another throughout their lives. It is not fun. It can, in fact, be a most terrifying and hellacious experience. 

I eventually solved my bullying problem by notifying my parents who, in-turn, got school administrators involved. As a result, my bully showed up at my home one day to apologize and verbally commit to no longer torment me. But for many months previous to this resolution, I was not a happy camper at school.

About seven (7) years later, after I had finished my 2-year Church Mission and was attending college, I ran into my bully in a convenience store one day on a road trip to my hometown. It was a most unexpected meeting; I had not seen James since high school. 

At first, I felt a twinge of fear, probably resulting from my old cellular memories of all those years ago. But after quickly reflecting on our present ages and the passage of time, I determined that this was a fickle fear that I needed to face. 

So, I strolled confidently up to James, put out my hand, and asked with a smile: "Hey James, how are you doing? Do you remember me?" 

James did recognize me.

        He smiled, shook my hand back and returned my "Hello." 

It was as if we'd been old friends!

As I looked at James that day, it didn't seem like a whole lot had changed about him. His physical appearance suggested that his habits and station in life hadn't changed much since high school. 

I, on the other hand, had changed a lot.

I had moved away from my hometown to a much larger city in a different State where I spent my senior year of high school. I had lived outside my country and learned and grown as a volunteer full-time missionary for my church. I had a couple years' of university studies under my belt. 

In short, I had grown, progressed, and matured a great deal since my difficult days as a scrawny and diffident eighth grader. I was not only much more confident in and sure of myself, but I was now physically taller than James as well.

Rather than looking up in fear to my erstwhile bully, I was now looking slightly down on him!

These internal changes over the years significantly altered my external reality as I shook hands that day with my ex-bully. It was my own precious and long-awaited "Biff Tannen now works for George McFly" moment! (5)

Several years later, I was surprised when James invited me to be his friend on social media. I accepted his invitation! He eventually became a father and made some positive changes in his life. He even emailed me at one point to express his growing interest in Life Leadership literature. Knowing of my expertise and knowledge on the subject, he asked me to recommend some books on the subject.  

I was surprised, but happy that he made this request of me, and was thrilled to learn of his growing interest in pursuing personal education and growth. I gladly gave him some reading recommendations, including my own book!

Sadly, James died several years ago, when he was still a relatively young man. I am glad we were able to reconcile and start anew in such a positive and productive way before he passed.

With the exception of James' seemingly untimely death, I love how this story evolved so positively and productively over the years. It is a living testament to the possibility of and potential for anyone and everyone to choose to make positive changes at any point in their lives.  

My gradually growing influence on James and others didn't occur because I tried to change other people. It has come about because of my ongoing commitment to change myself. The concept that intrapersonal growth and progress leads to interpersonal influence lies at the very heart of the SAL Theory. 

It is, in fact, the theory's CAPSTONE—as you will soon see.  

Your Growing Sphere of Influence

The full extent of your potential for personal influence is determined by a number of personal, environmental, circumstantial, and timing variables (all of which differ from person-to-person). 

Frederick Douglass
1818-1895

Generally speaking, however, your sphere of influence expands gradually at first and then exponentially over time as you rise to higher levels of Existential Growth. 

As the lives of Frederick Douglass, Florence Nightingale, Mohandas Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, and others like them so demonstrably illustrates, Existential Growth produces moral authority that influences others—even, and perhaps especially—in the absence of formal authority.  

Such self-action leaders are respected for their integrity, humanity, humility, grace, goodness, and honorable dealings with others.

Self-Action Leadership—and the Existential Growth it spawns—is very attractive to others because it encompasses all the noblest human virtues and behaviors. 

Thus, self-action leaders who inhabit the higher levels of the SAL Hierarchy become members of what Thomas Jefferson referred to as a "Natural Aristocracy." Unlike an artificial, man-made aristocracy, which is rooted in arbitrary attainments based on birth and inherited wealth and/or status, a "Natural Aristocracy" is fundamentally meritocratic and otherwise established by the action oriented virtue and nobility of its naturally qualified members. (6)

Mohandas Gandhi
1869-1948

Gandhi is a classic example of someone who earned his place in the Natural Aristocracy of not only his nation, but the world-at-large. Due to the consistent courage of his conscience-rooted convictions, his moral authority evolved into an enormously compelling and catalytic force in Indian culture and politics to the point where India eventually won its independence from colonial Great Britain.

To Indians, Gandhi is the Father of their country—much like George Washington is the father of the United States.

A key difference between Gandhi and Washington, however, is that Mohandas never enjoyed the same level of formal authority as George did, yet he managed to realize his momentous objective without it!

The fact that Gandhi was never a monarch, political leader, military general, or business tycoon makes Mohandas an unusually remarkable and notable historical figure, leader, and outlier. Perhaps more than anyone else in history (religious founders excepting), Mohandas Gandhi's life illustrates the authentic power of SAL to dramatically expand the public influence of an otherwise obscure and ordinary citizen self-action leader.  

George Washington
1732-1799

Although he did possess formal authority as a military General, George Washington is also a good example of the noble exercise of moral authority. 

For example, he had a gift for inspiring his soldiers to re-enlist in the Colonial Army after their legal obligations to serve had expired. As a result, many men fought on with Washington despite abject circumstances, limited or nonexistent remuneration, and dim hopes for victory—not because Washington possessed the formal authority to coerce their reenlistments (he didn't), but because they grew to love, trust, and believe in the cause he was championing as their General-in-Chief.

With these examples as a backdrop, the time has come to introduce the FINAL LAW in the Self-Action Leadership Theory, which states that: Your potential to influence others expands or contracts relative to your Existential Standing.  

LAW 13

Your potential to influence others expands or contracts relative to your Existential Standing.

This final law illuminates a great truth, as follows: Individual self-action leaders with the most significant and lasting influence for good on others have typically reached the highest levels of Existential Growth themselves. And the higher level that YOU attain, the more people you are likely to influence. 

While it should not be automatically assumed that the number of people you influence is directly proportional to your Existential Standing, it is true that reaching high levels of Existential Growth increases the likelihood that you will, in time, influence larger numbers of people. 

There have, of course, been some remarkable self-action leaders throughout history who reached the highest levels of Existential Growth, but their geographical isolation and/or technological constraints greatly limited the scope of their broader social influence.

Such leaders are typically not known to the history books.

However, historical visibility alone does not handicap a self-action leader's Existential Potential, nor is it automatically commensurate to an individual's earned Existential Standing. Indeed, noble personal histories and inspiring SAL narratives may, can, and do exist in great isolation among families, teams, organizations, neighborhoods, communities, et cetera, all around the world and throughout human history. 

The following figures illustrate the general correlation between Existential Growth and interpersonal influence.

On lower levels of Existential Growth, your influence on other people

contracts, thus excluding them from your sphere of influence.

On higher levels of Existential Growth, your influence on others expands,

bringing those same people gradually into your sphere of influence.

Over time, this gradual expansion of influence has the potential to grow exponentially. For example, Gandhi started out in life with very little influence over those around him. Over time, however, as he developed, refined, and polished his own SAL, he gradually came to influence the entire world. In the process, he was able to literally change the world, and it all started when he decided to start changing himself. 

Thus, a once obscure and seemingly insignificant Indian boy eventually grew into a man of such enormous moral authority, power, and influence as to lead his entire country to earn its independence—and he did it all without any formal positions, titles, or wealth. His extraordinary influence was a direct outgrowth of his own gradual and progressive Existential Growth over the course of his lifetime. (7)

One of the greatest historical misnomers about LEADERSHIP is that you must have an official title or position to be a leader. 

Not so!

While positions, titles, and other elements of formal authority can certainly be helpful, such formal accoutrements of power will never be as influential as moral authority borne of authentic Existential Growth—at least not in the long-run. This is why the historical legacy of most presidents and monarchs can scarcely begin to compare or compete with the lasting legacy left to us by a Socrates, a Dante, a Jesus, a Shakespeare, a Nightingale, a Gandhi, or an MLK, Jr.  

Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not, you already are a leader. The question is: What kind of a leader are you; and is anyone following your example?

Truly great leaders are never just born. They are made, and becoming a principle-centered leader of influence who makes a positive difference in the world around them is a choice that lies within the grasp of us all.  

In Your Journal

• Who is currently inside your sphere of influence?

• Who would you like to someday be inside your sphere of influence?

• Why would you like these persons to be inside your sphere of influence?

• What will you have to accomplish to expand your sphere of influence to your liking?

SAL Master Challenge

Exercise 5

Self-action leaders are SELF-AWARE

List three things, people, situations, or circumstances that currently annoy, frighten, or intimidate you.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What can you begin doing today to change internally in order to begin altering your outer reality?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

REMEMBER: The only things you can truly control in your life are your own thoughts, speech, actions, attitudes, and beliefs; therein lies your power to change both your internal and external realities.  

I have completed the SAL Master Challenge, EXERCISE #1

Your initials:__________         AP initials:__________

—Dr. JJ

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

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Chapter 26 Notes

1.  Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York, NY: Fireside. Page 186.

2.  Smith, H. W. (1994). The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management: Proven Strategies for Increased Productivity and Inner Peace. New York, NY: Warner Books. Page 4.

3.  Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York, NY: Fireside. Page 235.

4.  Frankl, V. (1984) Man’s Search for Meaning. New York, NY: Washington Square Press. Pages 86-87.

5.  This is a reference to the 1985 Hollywood movie, Back to the Future, starring Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Thomas F. Wilson, and Crispin Glover. Biff Tannen (Wilson) bullied George McFly (Glover) in High School, but George eventually stands up to him by knocking (punching) him out after he tried to take advantage of the girl (Thompson) George would eventually marry. Later, Biff ended up working for George, a successful author, and his wife as a menial laborer and handyman.

6.  Skousen, W. C. (2006). The 5000 Year Leap: The 28 Great Ideas that Changed the World. National Center for Constitutional Studies. Pages 60-61.

7.  To learn more about Gandhi’s incredible “Experiments with Truth” and his journey toward Existential Growth, see the reference to his autobiography in Appendix A. Then buy the book and read it yourself.

The City Where My ROMANTIC Dreams Came True

I sometimes refer to Atlanta, Georgia (USA), as the

"City Where Dreams Come True."

This appellation derives from the fact that it was once a life dream of mine to move away from my home State in the Intermountain West (Utah) to the Southeastern United States (Georgia) to seek my fortunes and ply my luck at professional success and personal romance in the Deep South.

The fact that I actually followed through to realize this vision was indeed a dream come true for me.

I also like to refer to the "ATL" as the city where dreams come true because it was in the Atlanta area where I met, dated, and proposed marriage to my wife, Lina, which was a wonderfully adventurous, exciting, and romantic—albeit also an extended, angst-inducing—journey that has led us to where we live, work, play, and stand contentedly and gratefully today in the magnificent Sunshine State of Florida.  

So while the Peach City may not hold the same allure and magic for everyone who passes through Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport—the busiest airport on Planet Earth—as it does for me, it unquestionably remains "The City where my ROMANTIC DREAMS Came True."  

As such, Atlanta—and the greater Southeastern United States in general—will always hold a very special place in my heart.

From whence did this seemingly random dream spring for a wild Western lad like me, who had only been east of the Mississippi River twice in his first 23 years of life? 

I suppose the earliest seed of my Southern love was planted in August 1991 (age 11) when I was on a road trip to the East Coast from Utah.

This work of historical fiction,
published in 1957, further fueled my
romantic notions about the American South.

My dad, grandpa, and older sister (Jody) and I stopped in Kentucky one evening to eat supper at a Southern diner. I found our blonde-haired waitress—and her southern drawl—to be uniquely charming and friendly. My dad had told me about "Southern Hospitality" and my first youthful encounter with this regional cultural phenomenon left an indelible mark on my young mind, heart, and imagination. 

The next most salient seed seeped into my soul as I read the novel—Rifles for Watie—a work of juvenile historical fiction, written by Harold Keith and published in 1957.

I was in fourth or fifth grade when I came across this book in the library of Hermosa Vista Elementary School in Mesa, Arizona. Its subject matter was the American Civil War as set in the lesser-known and more obscure battle theaters of Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas. 

Aside from furiously feeding my insatiable hunger for historical knowledge, this book, which featured a protagonist—a Northern Infantry Volunteer from Kansas—who ended up falling in love with a beautiful Southern Belle while serving as a Union spy behind enemy lines in Oklahoma, dumped a whole canister of gasoline and gunpowder on the fire of my already budding romantic notions about the American South.

I had no idea at the time that my journey through life would eventually take me to Georgia, where I would meet and fall in love with a Florida girl and become a Southerner myself. But the initial seeds of this sweeping story were planted in my mind and heart when I was still but a wee lad living in the West.    

For Lina's and my 16th wedding anniversary, we decided to make our first trip back to Atlanta together. We had both been there individually over the years for various professional and other reasons, but we had not been back to "Our City" together since May of 2009, when Lina graduated from Georgia Tech and we relocated to Houston, Texas with Lina's first corporate job with ExxonMobil.  

Lina and me on Georgia Tech campus
Bobby Dodd (football) Stadium and
Bank of America Plaza tower in background

Our return trip to the "ATL" was everything we had hoped it would be—and more. 

After dropping our kids off at Grandma and Grandpa Tucker's house, we flew to Atlanta and...

• Went to a Braves baseball game versus the Brew Crew at Truist Park with cousins. 

• Stayed several nights in a nice hotel in Midtown.

• Worked out, went swimming, and got a couples' massage at an even fancier hotel in Buckhead.

• Met up at a fave Pizza Parlor with a group of Lina's best pals from college who still live in the area. 

• Returned to the King and Queen Towers ("Our Place") for a romantic stroll down memory lane.

We also attended a session at our Church's Temple—where I had worked as an hourly wage-earning grounds' keeper during our courtship in 2007—and visited the adjacent Church building where we attended worship services together while we were dating. 

Lina with rented bicycle on Georgia
Tech campus in front of "Tech Tower."

Perhaps most memorably, we returned to the Georgia Tech campus where Lina—with tears in her eyes—and I rode bicycles across campus taking in all the sweet and thick memories of not only the campus components of our courtship, but of Lina's remarkable 4-year journey through higher education en route to earning her bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering.

It was a very memorable, romantic, and special four days for us. 

Despite always doing something SPECIAL for our ANNIVERSARY—I have a specific journal just for wedding anniversaries and have fastidiously recorded our celebrations of all 16 to date—this romantic walk down memory lane in the "City Where My ROMANTIC Dreams Came True" was truly magical for both of us and produced memories we will forever cherish.  

Of all of life's many and varied events and experiences, I'm not sure that any ONE thing supersedes ROMANCE, especially when it is authentic, genuine, mutually experienced, equally reciprocated, and, perhaps most importantly, pure and virtuous.

I unabashedly and unashamedly confess my love of and bias for this subject of subjects! 

Indeed, for as long as I can remember, I've always been a romantic.

There are reasons—both genetic and mimetic—for my romantic propensities.

For example, both my parents were hopeless romantics and their words and examples were never lost on me. My mama raised me on the old musicals where love was always in the air —and in the next chorus.

Then there was my dad: an English teacher who loved Shakespeare and poetry. I'll never forget the time he hauntingly read to me Edgar Allen Poe's timeless classic, Annabel Lee. To this day I can still hear Dad's stirring and sonorous voice in my head as he tenderly and eloquently recited the tragic refrains of that famous final stanza:

Click HERE to buy this book of original
POEMS composed by Dr. JJ.

"And the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea—
In her tomb by the sounding sea."

I followed in Dad's footsteps and majored in English literature myself in college—and adore poetry at least as much as Papa does. I have even authored a full-length poetry anthology myself, complete with an entire chapter chock full of original romantic poems. 

Click HERE to buy Psalms of Life: A Poetry Anthology, by Dr. JJ.

Suffice it to say, ROMANCE has always been an interest, passion, and pursuit of mine.  

Early on in my life, for a very brief season of time, I even proved to be quite a catch with the ladies! And by "brief season" of popularity with my female peers, I'm mostly talking about fifth grade and 5th grade alone.

For whatever reasons, I was "The Man" in 5th grade and the girlies couldn't seem to get enough of me.

But 5th grade is pretty much where it ended!

Had I any idea of the impending 17-year stretch through the Sahara desert of romance which I was destined to tread through in between fifth grade and meeting Lina in my late 20s, I would have enjoyed my one year in the sun even more than I did!

JJ in the throes of his "Ugly Adolescence,"
which included acne, bad hair, OCD, and other woes.
Note my own comment here: "Humility is a Virtue."
Spokane, Washington
December 1997

There were a lot of different reasons for this matchmaking malaise, including, but not limited to: acne, lankiness, homeliness, bad habits, terrible hairdos, mental and emotional illness (severe OCD and its accompanying depression), trying too hard, failing to heed social cues, bitterness, anger, jealousy, self-pity, vindictiveness, and the list goes on.

Like many adolescents, I was kind of a mess during my teenage years. Don't get the wrong idea here... I was a good kid who was neither rebellious nor a troublemaker, but I had plenty of other issues.     

In the long run, my mismatch with my female peers was a huge blessing in disguise because it kept me free, unlatched, and unattached up until it really mattered. This made it easier to use my time more productively and wisely all along the way. 

It also gave me the opportunity to go on literally hundreds of dates with exactly 100 girls or women before I met Lina.

That's right... Lina was lucky lady #101.

Or, more accurately stated, I was the one lucky enough to have her as my 101st lady date.  

After going on several hundred dates with the other hundred dames, it didn't take very long, nor was it hard to know that Lina was the gal for me. However, it took Lina nine (9) months longer to determine that I was the right guy for her.

Outside of an elevator at City Hall in Richmond, Virginia,

during a romantic road trip to Washington D.C. and New York 

in 2007. A very much in-love Lina and JJ had just been

caught kissing on the elevator by good-natured City Hall 

employee!  The kind lady who caught us took this picture

for us as memory of the incident.

Yes, romance was a game of pain and patience for me over a LONG and arduous, but also wonderfully adventurous period of time and life for me.  

At one point in my pursuit of Lina, I was so anxious and stressed out that my usually very healthy and robust appetite vanished and I lost 13 pounds of body weight—and I was already a lean ectomorph to begin with.  

It seems to me now that a Higher Power must've had designs for Lina's and my eventual connection and ultimate union. After all, I had fallen deeply in love—or at least madly infatuated with—a dozen or more other women previous to meeting Lina, and I could have potentially married any one of them had they given me even half-a-chance.

But for various reasons—some more explicable than others—none of them ever did give me that chance.

As such, I had no other choice but to keep trying and persevering until I eventually met Lina... and then patiently persevering until I had won her heart.   

These experiences put me in a place where I can authentically croon right along with Rascal Flatts' classic Country chorus... 

"God blessed the broken road that led me straight to YOU [Lina]."  

And also with pop star Kelly Clarkson, who sings:

"Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this."

TODAY—16 years later—I can honestly say that it's hard to imagine myself with anyone else. Nor would I want to imagine myself with anyone else but my Lina. 

Lina is not perfect...

    And I am not perfect...

        But I think we may be perfect for each other.  

I feel similarly about my parents.

My mom and dad were not perfect parents; yet somehow, they were perfect for me. And I mean that with all my heart. Anyone who attends either of my parents' funerals in the future will hear me openly reverberate this sentiment—verbatim.  

But I digress...

Let's get back to the primary purpose of this post: ROMANCE!  

JJ with one of his best buddies—France Nielson—dressed as

Frankenstein and Hamlet for Halloween 2002. France and I roomed

together three different times, in three different apartments, in three different

calendar years in college and immediately thereafter. We were great pals

and were both pathetically and perpetually twitterpated by all the gorgeous gals

all around us. When out together, we would sometimes introduce ourselves

to the ladies as: "France and Jordan: Just Like the Countries." We were both

kind of nerdy and both had various difficulties navigating our endless dating 

options in Utah Valley. However, the Boss helped us both to end up with the 

right gal at the right time, but not until after we had both moved to the blessed 

SOUTH!  (France to Virginia and JJ to Georgia)

France and I would later get engaged the same day (Saturday, March 22

2008 ~ France and his fiancé, Lindsay, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial

in Washington D.C. and Lina and me at the base of the King & Queen

Towers in Atlanta. Our weddings were also in the same place

(Salt Lake City LDS Temple) only three weeks apart in July and August 2008). 

Long live San Juan County, Utah!  And long live Broncos & Buckaroos!   

I attended college at Brigham Young University (as a visiting student) and Utah Valley University (as a full-time student) in Provo and Orem, Utah, respectively, spanning the years 2001-2003.

Between BYU and UVU, there are upwards of 75,000 college students in the vicinity (Utah Valley) during the school year—and a good percentage of them are young, single females. 

As such, you can imagine how wonderfully challenging it was for me—a somewhat mentally ill and emotionally and socially immature young man who had just completed a two-year church mission where I wasn't allowed to even touch (much less date) someone of the opposite sex, but who very much liked them—to adjust to life in a dating scene so filled-to-overflowing with intelligent, attractive, virtuous, and available young females in their late teens and early-mid twenties.

It could, quite frankly, be intoxicating for me at times. 

It was in this unique social environment that I dated a lot, bumbled and stumbled about socially a lot, got rejected a lot, and had my heart broken a lot!

My social and dating struggles stemmed in large part from the fact that I had suffered with OCD and depression since seventh grade—a mental and emotional malady which had significantly retarded my emotional and social development throughout high school and well into my college years. 

I often jokingly tell people that the reason I am eight (8) years older than Lina is because it took me eight years longer than her to reach the same level of maturity.

But it's really not a joke. 

It's the TRUTH... at least mentally, emotionally, and socially speaking, and I had OCD and depression, among other things, to thank/blame for that!

Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's crucibles with OCD and Depression.

Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's pre-Lina ROMANTIC Crucibles.

I made this little note card in 2002 and taped it
to the wall of my apartment bedroom in Provo as a reminder
of my DREAM and GOAL to relocate to the SOUTH.

Thankfully, amidst all this dating drama out in Utah, a very specific and important DREAM had been budding in my mind, heart, and soul for some time, and that dream was to move to the Southern States—a regional area of my country (USA) to which I had never been—and seek my fortunes both professionally and personally.

In other words, I hoped to figure out my career path and find ROMANCE and true LOVE in the "ATL."

Fortunately, I found both during the time I spent in the Great State of GEORGIA.

My career portion of the equation, however, would take a lot longer to completely sort out.

Like Don Quixote de la Mancha, I've always
been bold enough, brave enough, and perhaps
most importantly—crazy enough—to joust
with windmills and otherwise
Dream Impossible Dreams

In fact, to this day I'm still sorting out the details of my career, which, after more than 20 years, has still not entirely been clarified. All I really know for sure about my future is that I love to write, speak, and teach and have a DREAM—much like my dream to move to Atlanta—a deep, abiding, and long-held desire to keep polishing and publishing my Bible-esque SAL Life Leadership textbook-tome to the point where it eventually helps billions of people around the world in the same ways that SAL principles and practices have benefitted and blessed me in my own career, life, and relationships.   

But the romance half of the equation began to be solved upon meeting Lina Marie Tucker on Saturday night, September 16th, 2006, at a church-sponsored party at the Tanner family home in Duluth, Georgia.

It was the night of the Florida Gators versus Tennessee Volunteers football game in Neyland Stadium in Knoxville.

FUN FACT: the GATORS beat the Volunteers that night 21-20, their third victory en route to their 2006 National Championship victory over Ohio State the following January.  

Go Gators!

Lina at Breakfast at the Tanner's home the
morning of Saturday, March 22, 2008,
the day I officially PROPOSED.

I have since forgotten the first names of Brother and Sister Tanner, in whose house Lina and I first met. However, the fact that I recorded their last name more than a dozen times in my journal from 2006-2008 evinces the tremendous love and support this kind and sweet couple showed to young, single adults—including Lina and me—who they mentored and shepherded during that important season of our lives.

The fact that I chose to start off our "Day of Engagement" on Saturday, March 22nd, 2008, at the Tanner's home for breakfast further evinces this reality.

I therefore pay heartfelt tribute to the Tanners and all of the other wonderful people—seen and unseen, known and unknown—who played a part in bringing Lina and me together at this delicate and important moment of destiny in both of our lives.

I include those unseen and unknown in this category of folks because I believe there were likely many such persons involved in the process of ensuring Lina and I got together—and stayed together.

To wit: both of our Grandmothers (Vada Johnson Hansen and LaVerda Barton Jensen) passed away in August 2006.

Did Lina and I receive some welcome aid from beyond the grave?
We don't know for sure, but are interested in someday finding out!

Was it pure coincidence that both of these cherished women and matriarchs in our lives and families departed this world within days of each other... and only a few weeks before Lina and I met in September 2006?

Perhaps. 

But knowing how much HELP we both needed to ensure our union's success, I believe something more concrete may have been afoot. Moreover, as a natural believer, I don't place much stock in "Coincidences" in general.  

Why did Lina and I need so much help getting together?  

Well, I needed help because despite all of my past dating experience, in my 27 years of living up to that point in time I had never experienced a real and officially exclusive romantic relationship. 

Technically I had had one other official girlfriend back in 2003 when I first moved to Georgia, but she dumped me after only ONE week of being together, so it hardly counts!

But I will forever be thankful to that gal for granting me my first ever kiss. Indeed, I can thank her—and a couple of other gals—for making Lina's and my first kiss a lot less awkward than it would have otherwise been!

A little experience never hurt anyone when it comes to kissing... or anything else you wanna get good at!

With my Southern Girl on South Beach
March 2007

I know, I know... I was 24-years old and a college graduate before landing my first kiss. I'm basically the Latter-Day Saint version of Hollywood's "40 year old virgin!"  

I told you I needed HELP... heavenly and otherwise!

        Thank God for Southern Girls.

                They saved me!

As one Country crooner sings:

"Ain't nothin' in the whole wide world like a Southern Girl!"

Click HERE to watch Tim McGraw sing Southern Girl

You see, my friends...

Out in the Wild West I had struck out repeatedly in the kissing department with the ladies, sometimes in horrifically embarrassing fashion.

Thus, I remained kiss-less all throughout my high school and college years.

The pressure was on!  

But bless them Southern Gals' hearts... they were a lot less indifferent to ole' beanpole Jack than their Intermountain counterparts... and ultimately proved themselves the secret sauce to my long-term success!

Thank You LADIES!  

I also needed help because on the surface, my career prospects in 2006 were exceedingly ambiguous, to say the least. Despite my open ambition, obvious enthusiasm and drive, and considerable intellect and talent, I remained an unsuccessful entrepreneur who had gotten himself tens of thousands of dollars into personal and business debt—a reality capable of significantly obfuscating my overall attractiveness for any clear-eyed would-be girlfriend.

Lina, on the other hand, needed help because she was not looking for a relationship when we met that fall evening in September 2006. And who could blame her? After all, she was eight years younger than me (13 days shy of her 19th birthday) at the time, and in a very different time and place in her life than I was. 

She had recently sent a boyfriend off on a church mission to Australia with no serious intention of waiting for him.

She simply wanted to go to college and have fun. 

I, on the other hand, desperately wanted to find the right woman, settle down, and get hitched; and the sooner the better.   

Brave Publius Horatius Cocles, defends a Roman bridge
against Lars Porsena of Clusium and his invading Etruscan Army.

This seemingly overwhelming gap between our personal circumstances and situations in life that warm Georgia night back in September 2006 would have to be bridged if the two of us were to get together in any kind of significant and lasting manner.

Like brave Horatius of Ancient Rome, you might well say that I was "facing fearful odds" and a steep uphill battle in the matter—in much the same way as I was in my business affairs.  

But like that famous "Captain of the Gate" I also saw before me an epic and golden opportunity—one that was worth dying for, or more importantly, fighting for and living for—and I have never been one to shy away from golden and epic opportunities!   

You might say it's the ROMANTIC in me!

"Then out spake brave Horatius,
   The Captain of the Gate:
'To every man upon this earth
   Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
   Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers,
   And the temples of his Gods.'" (1)

Thus, the stage was set for the single most important "battle" of my life—a battle I could not afford to lose.

Hindsight is proverbially 20/20, and I realize now that financially speaking, I literally could not afford to lose my romantic pursuit of Lina. But... and this particular "but" is a most crucial conjunction indeed, I can declare in all the honesty and integrity of my heart, mind, and soul that Lina's potential earning power as a rising star in the corporate firmament never really consciously crossed my mind in my romantic pursuit of her.

Put more plainly: I ain't no gold digger!

Nay, quite to the contrary, I saw myself back then the same way that I see myself now—and the same way that I've seen myself during all of these intervening years—as being on the cusp of a significant breakthrough with my own entrepreneurial writing, speaking, teaching, and business-building efforts.

I had no idea back then that the Boss had so many other plans for me before my own big career breakthrough would eventually occur. Indeed, my future career as a stay-at-home daddy was not merely in the back of my mind back then; it wasn't in my mind at all!  

I did not fully comprehend at the time just how much career potential Lina had as a future business professional. I knew, of course, that she was ambitious, accomplished, intelligent, talented, and had wonderful character and integrity. 

I was, after all, a rural country kid from the obscure village of Monticello, Utah—population 1,800—located in one of the remotest areas of the Continental U.S. I still had much to learn about and experience out in the broader world and was just beginning to become acquainted with the potential career trajectory of a budding engineer at the Georgia Institute of Technology (Georgia Tech).

A mailbox I once came across with the same
address number as Lina's high school SAT score (1590).
At the time, 1600 was perfect.

All I knew for sure was that Lina was breathtakingly attractive on both the inside and the outside, had scored a 1590 on her SAT in high school, was an A-student studying mechanical engineering at a name-brand school in the ACC, and had an absolutely delightful disposition and personality.

In the words of Disney's Prince Edward: 

"What's not to love?"  

Perhaps most importantly of all, Lina was a devoted and faithful member of the same Church I had been an active member of all my life—a Church that meant, and continues to mean, everything to me. 

As you can imagine, all of these magnificent qualities were enough and more for me to want to pursue Lina romantically. As far as her future career potential and earning power was concerned, I simply didn't think very much about it during our courtship.

My mind and heart was a thousand other places, mostly focused on winning LINA's heart in conjunction with vigorously chasing my own career dreams.

Lina's professional career eventually played out very naturally, organically, gradually, and — to be quite frank — somewhat surprisingly to me over time. I was surprised not because I ever doubted her potential; I was surprised simply because I was—at the time—largely ignorant about what her full professional potential entailed. 

But I was even more surprised at how things turned out for me in my career.    

I am, of course, incredibly glad and grateful now for the way things have so gradually played out over the years. The Boss (aka Serendipity) is always the smartest and wisest member of any SAL Board of Directors. This is perhaps the single greatest truth in all of our lives and the wisest self-action leaders are the ones who recognize, acknowledge, and consistently embrace this omnipresent reality which so completely encompasses our mortal journeys and ultimately overrides anything and everything we could ever conceive of or attempt to concoct all on our own little measly, pathetic, and profoundly limited power.   

Lina and JJ outside the Atlanta, Georgia LDS Temple
August 10, 2024

While my Boss has indeed prolonged my own big breakthrough across more than two decades now—something I never dreamed would happen in my younger, more overtly ambitious years—and while this journey has, in many ways, been fraught with bitterness and difficulty and endless frustrations and unmet expectations, it has concurrently been laden with countless riches of all kinds in the form of unexpected prosperity and an overflowing cornucopia of other grace-infused and mercy-imbued Serendipity all along the way. 

Truth be known, I've personally made very little money in my life. 

Yet I would go so far as to call myself one of the richest men—if not the richest man—in all the world!  

I therefore stand here today with no qualms whatsoever about my career trajectory because I know in my mind, heart, and soul that I have done my best and given it my all—and have complete confidence that the Boss is in charge and I am on the right pathway and at the right place where I am supposed to be right now. 

That's all that really matters.

And I, of course, have my dear, sweet, and precious Lina to thank for being the greatest single mortal contributor to this remarkable—and ongoing—journey.  

But again, I digress...

Better than the Woman of My Dreams
Lina Marie (née Tucker) Jensen
August 2008

Let's get back to my ROMANCE with LINA—this woman who is better than the "Woman of my Dreams."  

Why is she better that the picture-perfect image of my future wife I had romantically and picturesquely pieced together in my mind, heart, and soul all those years ago? 

And believe me when I say that this "SAL Guy" spent a lot of time over the years thinking about, planning, and preparing to become the kind of self-action leader who would be worthy of a Princess-turned-QUEEN like Lina.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about and mentally creating an image of my future bride!

The first answer to this question is that unlike that somewhat amorphous and nebulous patchwork picture in my mind of the "Woman of my Dreams"—which was ultimately a mismatched aggregate of every attractive and desirable attribute and characteristic I had observed in every other woman I had ever known, seen, or dated—Lina was REAL and PRESENT.  

The second answer to this question is that while Lina did not always measure up in every particular to the unrealistic model—that storybook paragon of perfection—I had patched together piecemeal in my mind of the "Woman of my Dreams," I came to discover over time that the Boss had led me to someone who possessed attributes and characteristics that were even better than I myself had imagined.

What a felicitous and Serendipitious DEAL!

Thus, we come full circle to where we began in this article...

Lina is not perfect...

    And I am not perfect...

        But we are perfect for each other.

Our Courtship included many wonderful activities in addition 
to romance.  Here we are dancing with kids while providing
service at the Boys and Girls Club of Atlanta.

And like most romances that work well enough to pass those painful and ponderous "Tests of Time," our romance has worked, and passed the test of time... at least for the past 16 years. 

My own parents divorced after 37 years, so make no mistake: I remain humble about Lina's and my future.  

But I also remain highly OPTIMISTIC!

Lina's and my courtship itself, which lasted for a year—from February 2007 - February 2008—was exceedingly romantic. Being a hopeless romantic myself, I went to every effort to proactively ensure this fact. From poetry, gifts, and planned romantic dates to loquacious loving correspondence and kisses in the rain, I spared no effort to ensure that our story measured up to or surpassed any character in any movie or novel.

On the other hand, Lina's personality is much more casual, easy-going, and spontaneous than it is formal and romantic, which is okay because in this way—as in so many other ways—we proved to be a good contrast, and therefore complement, to each other.       

Perhaps the greatest illustration of this dating duality came in the moment Lina decided she wanted to marry me—and my subsequent "official" proposal. 

I first uttered the "M" word to Lina in May 2007, a mere three months after we had officially begun dating. It simply didn't take very long for me to figure out that this gal was someone I adored, loved, and respected enough to qualify her as top shelf marriage material.    

Lina, however, had no interest in entertaining such a proposition at that point in time. 

So, I had no choice but to do what I have so often had to do in my life and career: be patient and productively wait.  

"The ROOM where it HAPPENED."

Lina told me she wanted to marry me in this room

in Home Park (Atlanta) Georgia, on Saturday,

February 2, 2008. As you can see, the room is

presently being renovated.

I patiently, albeit persistently, endured—as I enjoyed—the subsequent nine months of courtship, which ended one night very late into the wee hours of the morning when Lina completely surprised me by nervously, but resolutely blurting out: 

"Jordan: I think I want to marry you."  

We were sitting on a couch together and had just finished watching Mission Impossible 3 when she dropped this huge surprise bomb on me.

I've always been inspired by the passion and commitment Tom Cruise invests in his work and I suppose perhaps his on-screen antics lit a fire under Lina that evening (laughing).

In reality, it was the most serious of statements that Lina had been analyzing, thinking through, and praying about for some time. 

When I first heard her utter this ultimate phrase of relationship acquiescence, I was incredulous, and immediately thought to myself: "Let's let her sleep on this and see if she still feels the same way in the morning."

In the meantime, I lowered my expectations as I drove home to my own apartment for the night.    

But to my surprise and joy, Lina remained firm in her resolve and commitment the following day—and she never wavered after that. I officially proposed about a month later. Unlike her casual and spontaneous assent to my unofficial proposal of the past nine months, my official proposal was about as formal and planned as I could possibly make it.

Dinner at the Westin Hotel, base of the King & Queen Towers.
Where I officially PROPOSED MARRIAGE to Lina.
Sandy Springs (Atlanta) Georgia. 
Saturday, March 22, 2008

In fact, it lasted ALL DAY long on Saturday, March 22, 2006. 

We started things off with breakfast at the Tanner home in Duluth—where we had first met. 

It then proceeded onward to several additional stops reminiscent of our dating journey and courtship over the past 18 months.

It ended with dinner at a fancy restaurant inside the Westin Hotel—positioned at the base of the "King and Queen Towers" in Sandy Springs, Georgia, which had been "our special spot" where we would sometimes steal away together to walk, talk, hold hands, cuddle and kiss.   

In hindsight, I should not have been as surprised as I was when Lina finally told me she wanted to marry me. Despite a variety of bumps-in-the-road—including two (2) official breakups lasting two weeks and one week, respectively—our relationship had progressed naturally, organically, gradually, and ultimately very positively over an extended period of time (18 months). Moreover, there was never any doubt about Lina's character and integrity, so it made sense that she would stick to her guns once she had made up her mind—all previous hesitations and vacillations notwithstanding.

With the Love of my Life and our three little ones.
Midway, Utah
July 2024

I am pleased to report that 16 years later, Lina and I are still going strong together.

And our ROMANCE still blooms brightly. 

In fact, our relationship is stronger and more mature than ever before because of what we have faced and overcome together over the last decade-and-a-half.

As a result, you will not meet a more ardent and enthusiastic advocate of traditional Christian marriage and monogamy than me.

I once read about a famous contemporary Hollywood starlet who voiced her view that human beings are not well suited for monogamy. 

I heartily disagree!

While it is certainly true that monogamous marital fidelity may require more effort, commitment, patience, and endurance than alternative lifestyles, I can say without any reservations that it is wholly worth any and all expenditures of time and energy meted out to qualify for and access its magic. In my view, you simply can't put a monetary value on the acceptance, love, joy, security, and support that I consistently and residually enjoy in my fully-committed, monogamous marriage. But there is, of course, a high and heavy PRICE to obtain such marital riches and bliss. If YOU are not willing to pay that price, you will never receive the rich rewards of doing so.  

This is not to say that Lina's and my marriage is perfect.

    No marriage is perfect, at least not in this world. 

In most ways, Lina and I are very ordinary.

For example, we disagree and argue about everything that other couples disagree and argue about, including: money, sex, the kids, personal and professional issues, annoying habits and patterns of behavior, petty grievances, etc.  

In fact, I'd estimate that over the course of the past 16 years, we have found ourselves at odds with each other—to a lesser or greater extent—about every couple of weeks (on average), and that's not even counting the countless petty annoyances that occur on a day-to-day basis.  

But that has also paved the way for a lotta very sweet makeups! 

When I got down on one knee to propose in the Westin Hotel, I had Lina

peer through a pair of binoculars and spot this sign, which was positioned

across the lake at the base of the QUEEN Tower. My father had employed

this same phrase when proposing marriage to my mother.  

It has been said that your "True Friends" are the ones who know all about you and still like and/or love you.

Suffice it to say, Lina is my greatest mortal friend.

As you can see, we are both very normal human beings with our share of imperfections and insecurities and weakness. I admittedly have more of all of the above than Lina does, but she patiently puts up with the discrepancies and imbalance and keeps on liking and loving me anyway!

We therefore live out our lives in an environment that is continually accentuated by life's endless frustrations, irritations, and vicissitudes—just like anyone else.

But at the same time, we also enjoy a really GOOD LIFE that is healthy, satisfying, fulfilling, exciting, and YES... still romantic.

And I hope that YOU do too!  

But if not, it is a goal worth working towards—no matter the price of obtaining it.  

What allows, empowers, and otherwise paves the way for Lina and me to enjoy such rich satisfactions and varied enjoyments in our life and marriage?  

It all comes down to our mutual embrace of SAL and SERENDIPITY. 

Lina and I—warts and weaknesses and wiles aside—are truly committed to both SAL and SERENDIPITY. 

At the base of the King & Queen Towers
during our recent Anniversary Trip to Atlanta.

And that makes all the difference!

While we certainly value each other above any other mortal person or relationship, we ultimately value SAL (aka: character and integrity) and SERENDIPITY (meaning, for us, a physical, palpable, and personal Deity, or GOD) even more than we value each other. 

And that's what makes us so strong as a mortal union.  

You see, Lina and I see SAL and Serendipity as being positioned at the apex (top) of a triangle, with the two of us standing at opposite points down at the base. As we each individually strive our very best to come closer to God and His perfect truths, we naturally, organically, and gradually come closer to each other. 

And the COOL thing about this "Triangle Principle" and practice is that it can work as well for any other couple as it has worked for Lina and me.

You see, my dear family, friends, and colleagues...

There is nothing inherently special about Lina and me.

But everything is special about SAL and SERENDIPITY. 

Lina stands in the mechanical engineering
building at Georgia Tech during our recent
Anniversary trip to Atlanta.

Thus, the more YOU focus on SAL and SERENDIPITY, the more you will progress as a self-action leader, and the higher you will go and grow up the SAL Hierarchy. 

And the more that YOU and your significant other mutually make this same commitment to SAL and SERENDIPITY, the closer you will grow together in your relationships, and the firmer your union will become over time. 

It really is that simple in THEORY.

And it really is that difficult in PRACTICE.  

Are you up to the challenge?  

I hope so, because I can tell you from personal experience that the REWARDS—which are residual; they just keep coming with exponential increase over time—are breathtakingly beautiful and incredible, and I believe, eternally worth it.

Perhaps you are wondering here about some of the specifics regarding the SAL component and application in a marital relationship. 

Lina on Georgia Tech Campus during our recent
Anniversary trip to Atlanta.
Lina — and SAL — have been two of the 
highest callings of my heart in life... two callings I have
strived to answer with all of my heart.

In other words...

What specific SAL principles and practices do Lina and I follow and adhere to in our marriage relationship that allows and empowers it to work as well as it does? 

Good Question!   

Below is a list of 10 things Lina and I have striven to exemplify in our marriage in an effort to make our union successful, satisfying, and joyful.

To the best of my ability and judgment, this list has been prioritized in order of most to least importance, generally speaking.

Nevertheless, each item is part of a whole in terms of its holistic importance to our overall relationship. Thus, while a general prioritization of this list is an important and worthwhile undertaking, it is important to remember that at any given point in time and space, any one of these items can be the most important item at that particular place and moment.

JJ and Lina's TOP 10

Practices for a Successful Marriage 

1.  Continual commitment to God, True Principles rooted in Universal Laws, and to each other above all else. 

2.  Strong premarital preparation for marriage. 

3.  Support each other in our personal and professional aims and goals.

4.  OPEN, candid, and regular COMMUNICATION.

5.  Patience with and forgiveness of our own (and each other's) petty annoyances, shortcomings, and weakness. 

6.  Active, healthy, and fun intimate relationship.

7.  Making room for quality and quantity one-on-one time with each other.  

8.  Pursuit of family and friend relationships beyond our own.  

9.  Support of regular alone-time for each other. 

10.  Consistent observance of formal celebrations.  

Let's now take each of these items and elaborate further, one-by-one.  

1.  Continual commitment to God, True Principles rooted in Universal Laws, and to each other above all else. 

There is something powerful, transcendent, simplifying, and even liberating about dedicating your life to a Higher Power and/or higher cause based on True Principles. That something has to do with relying on Beings and things that do not change.

In a world that is constantly changing, nothing is more grounding than putting your faith and trust in that which does not change. 

For Lina and me, those things include God and the principles and doctrines we believe He has authored, espoused, and upholds throughout the universe.  

This same commitment to God extends to each other and includes absolute faithfulness and fidelity to each other and the marital vows we entered into with each other—and with God. 

In a world where many people have difficulty counting on anyone in any complete or consistent sense, being reliably true and faithful to each other is an enormous source of both strength and security to Lina and me. 

You cannot place a monetary value on the worth of a best FRIEND who is completely FAITHFUL and TRUSTWORTHY. 

I have that kind of friend in Lina.

At the proverbial "end of the day," Lina and I both share a firm and undaunted commitment to each other and our marriage, family, and faith. Accompanying this commitment is our dedication to the MISSION of consistently doing anything and everything necessary to preserve, protect, and perpetuate these sacred values and relationships.   

We also have a powerful VISION of someday celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary together (I'll be 88 and she'll be 80), and our 65th, et cetera... and are committed to making these dream-visions a reality. Because of this, our mutual commitment, mission, and vision, chances are very good we will someday realize it (barring an unforeseen and untimely passing of one or the other).  

We invite and encourage YOU to choose to be similarly committed to your own significant other and the relationship and values you share. 

2.  Strong premarital preparation for marriage.

Many marriages fail before they even begin because one or the other partner (or both) come to the altar unprepared in significant ways relating to character, integrity, maturity, education, and/or life skills. 

Thanks in large part to our family upbringing, education, and perhaps most importantly our Church education, Lina's and my premarital preparation set us up to be tremendously successful as husband and wife after tying the knot. 

In other words, when we got married, we were both capable, educated, independent, mature, and self-reliant individuals. This preparation has been immeasurably beneficial to our post-wedding success over the past 16 years.

The importance of premarital preparation for marriage is just one of many reasons why young people—and not so young people—all over the world could benefit so dramatically from obtaining a solid education in SAL.

"An ounce of prevention is better

than a pound of cure."

—Benjamin Franklin

"It is better to prepare and prevent

than to repair and repent."

—Ezra Taft Benson

Lina with our son, Tyler, in her ExxonMobil work truck in
New Mexico, 2020. I have always strived to be as positive
and supportive of Lina's career pathway as I can be.

3.  Support each other in our personal and professional aims and goals.

Lina and I greatly respect each other and the unique aptitudes, knowledge, skills, talents, training, and opportunities that we both bring to bear in our careers and lives.

We also recognize that we each have unique personal and professional ambitions, aspirations, dreams, and goals and strive to honor all of the above by affording each other sincere, authentic, and heartfelt support to chase all worthy opportunities and objectives involved therein—so long as doing so does not interfere with even higher values (i.e. faith and family).

4.  OPEN, candid, and regular COMMUNICATION.

Lina and I are not afraid to openly communicate with each other in nuanced ways about personal and sensitive matters and issues.

Open communication has always been one of my biggest strengths. Lina has learned a lot from me in this regard and has come a long way in terms of intimate communication herself. 

At this point in our marriage, neither of us shies away unduly from tackling any and every matter and issue that is important to us and needs addressing.

We are also honest and open about our feelings, and don't try to force ourselves to turn hurt feelings around on a dime. 

For example, you've probably heard someone give marriage advice along these lines: "Don't ever go to bed angry at each other." 

I personally think that such advice is not only unfair, but unrealistic... at least for mere mortals like me!

For starters, I don't know about YOU, but it's next to impossible for me to magically wish away hurt feelings on a set timetable. It takes time for me to process hurt feelings... and sometimes even some aid from that Higher Power (Serendipity) to fully resolve them. In my view, putting an arbitrary time limit on your emotions is usually just setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.  

Sometimes, I just wanna be mad for a while.

There are times when I feel upset with Lina, and sometimes with good reason. 

And there are times when Lina feels upset with me, and often with good reason!

Either way, we try and cut each other a little slack by giving one another some time and space to work through our hurt feelings without placing unrealistic expectations on the other for an immediate turnaround. 

I don't know about YOU, but honestly, there are times when, in the words of a famous song, I just wanna be mad for a while!

As Country Western starlet Terri Clark croons in the chorus of her dainty ditty:

Cue MUSIC...

"I'll never leave, I'll never stray,
My love for you will never change,
But I ain't ready to make up—
We'll get around to that—
I think I'm right, I think you're wrong,
I'll probably give in before long,
Please don't make me smile;
I just wanna be mad for a while!"

Click HERE to watch Terri Clark sing: I Just Wanna Be Mad

5.  Patience with and forgiveness of our own (and each other's) petty annoyances, shortcomings, and weakness. 

Lina and I also recognize the importance of "picking our battles" and "not sweating the small stuff" when it comes to open communication and matters and issues we seek to address head on. 

In other words, we both understand that neither of us is perfect; nor is life in general perfect. As such, there is a measure of stuff in our lives and relationship that we wisely chalk up to amounting to such marginal importance that it can rightly be labeled "small stuff" that is simply "not worth sweating."

I think we have, in fact, both gotten pretty good at recognizing what really matters and what really doesn't, and then letting the lesser stuff go. We are certainly not perfect in this (or any other) regard, but we have definitely made some positive strides in the right direction here.  

6.  Active, healthy, and fun intimate relationship.

I am a firm believer that sex is an incredibly important part of marriage. It is perhaps the most significant difference that separates a marriage partnership from any other kind of human relationship. Simply stated, sex in marriage matters a lot.

It certainly matters a lot to me!

A quality sexual relationship in marriage serves not only to strengthen and enrich a marital union, but can also serve as a shield and buffer against sexual temptation and infidelities of all kinds. 

While sex is more akin to the icing (or cherry on top) of a marriage than it is to the cake itself, I think it's fair to say that the icing (or cherry on top) is an important—even a vital—part of any cake, especially if you like and value sugar as much as I do!  

Frequency and other particulars of a sexual relationship are private and intimate matters that can and may differ widely from couple to couple. Moreover, such details should be kept sacrosanct between a marital partnership and should only be shared with a private, personal, and trustworthy confidante, doctor, or professional counselor in an appropriate setting on an as-needed basis.

Two things to remember about sex in marriage is that it should be both fun and mutually satisfying. In other words, each partner should consistently feel as though they are having their sexual needs met in an appropriate, considerate, kind, reasonable, and timely manner, with an ongoing recognition and mutual acknowledgment and acceptance that a variety of life realities and exigencies will arise to throw a wrench in even the best laid plans (no pun intended) along the way.  

When sexual issues do arise for Lina and me—and like anyone else, they do—we talk them through and proactively work on them until a resolution has been achieved; and like any other part of marriage, it takes work in the form of OPEN COMMUNICATION, authentic effort, and sincere empathy and understanding to achieve mutually satisfying results over time. If YOU are unwilling to engage in this vital and sometimes time-consuming work, you will not enjoy the fruits of your labor—in sex or any other area of marriage and life.  

Lina and I also avoid using sex as an emotional weapon in our relationship; doing so can be damaging to genuine intimacy and devastating to relationship trust.

Lastly...

For us, part of an active and healthy sexual relationship involves doing our imperfect best to stay in good physical shape and otherwise practicing good habits of dress, grooming, hygiene, et cetera for the sake of our own self-esteem and confidence and to remaining perpetually physically attractive to each other.

This component can—and sometimes is—taken to extremes (on both ends of the spectrum) by married couples. Lina and I strive to avoid both of these extremes. We know that we are not models in the world's eyes, and we are okay with that. Moreover, we do not expect perfection in each other; nor do we raise the cosmetic bar to unnecessary or unreasonable heights for one another. But we do expect ourselves and each other to strive our imperfect best to be our best physical selves for both ourselves and each other.  

Date Night with My Love

We encourage others to pursue this balanced approach in a way that matches up harmoniously with your own unique desires, personalities, and priorities as individuals and a couple.  

7.  Making room for quality and quantity one-on-one time with each other.  

Any relationship requires both quantity and quality expenditures of time if the relationship is to be successful and mutually beneficial. Though we both lead busy lives with finite time in our schedules and calendars, Lina and I consciously make room for such one-on-one time for each other.

Sometimes this amounts to simply talking about our day and/or watching something entertaining together at night before bed. Other times this translates into a formal date night out where we hire a babysitter for our kids. 

Thankfully, our oldest son is getting close to being old enough to babysit his younger siblings! 

Lina away on her girls "Cousins' Cruise"
I stayed home with the kids so she could have
this time away to relax and cultivate other relationships.

8.  Pursuit of family and friend relationships beyond our own. 

Lina and I understand that as important as our marriage is, it is not the only relationship that matters to us. 

We strive for relationship balance by spending ample amounts of time parenting and building friendships with our children as well as cultivating and nurturing a variety of other friendships and relationships in our personal, professional, and church lives.

In our pursuit, cultivation, and nurturance of other relationships we are guided by the wisdom of Benjamin Franklin, who invited us to: "Be civil to all, sociable with many, familiar with few, friend to one, and enemy to none."

"Be civil to all, sociable with many, familiar with few, 

friend to one, and enemy to none."

—Benjamin Franklin

In the unique context of Franklin's quote, our ONE friend refers to each other in our marriage relationship. 

We all need solitude (alone time)
from time-to-time.

9.  Support of regular alone-time for the other. 

I thrive on solitude.

My passionate and proactive pursuit of solitude is one of the things that has enabled and empowered me to become such an effective, efficient, powerful, persuasive, productive, and prolific writer.

Lina has less of a need for solitude than me, but her need for alone time remains strong—like many (if not all) other human beings. As such, we take regular measures designed to ensure that the other has sufficient solitude (alone time) in their life.

One tangible way we achieve this is by sharing the burden of putting our kids to bed at night. Instead of both diving into this task every night, we each attend to the task alone every other night. This affords both of us the opportunity for at least some alone time every other day of the week.

More occasionally, but just as importantly, we seek to give each other extended periods of time either alone or with other family and friends. For example, Lina recently let me travel to an IRONMAN Triathlon event by myself, thus providing me with a lot of quality down time alone. 

On the other hand, I will sometimes take the kids to visit a friend or a park on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon so Lina can have some downtime alone with herself for several hours. 

Lina and JJ's Wedding Day
Salt Lake City, Utah
8/8/08
A Day worth Celebrating every YEAR!

10.  Consistent observance of formal celebrations. 

I personally am—and we at Freedom Focused Corporation are—big believers in and fans of CELEBRATIONS.

We believe in celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and other special events. Perhaps most importantly, we believe in celebrating significant growth, progress, and other achievements of individuals and teams.  

Lina and I were married on August 8, 2008. 

It is an easy anniversary to remember: 8/8/8.  

Lina and I always do something special each year to celebrate our anniversary. This something special always includes at least one or two nights away from home and away from our kids. We travel somewhere special (albeit not always far away; you don't have to travel far to find pristine vacationing in South Florida), book a hotel, dine out at nice restaurants, and spend our time in relaxing and romantic activities. 

Doing so has been a great stress reliever and a fantastic relationship rejuvenator over the years. And to date, we have never missed a year—16 years and running!

I highly encourage ALL couples who are serious about their marital relationship to pursue this same course within a framework of your unique circumstances and budget.

I also encourage you to celebrate birthdays, holidays, and moments of personal and/or family achievement, growth, and progress.  

Now...

What do Lina and I do when we fall short of these self-established standards, which we often do? 

The answer to this vital question is simple in theory and difficult in practice.

First, we talk about the matter or issue openly and honestly and then go to work to find a solution. Most of the time we are able to navigate our own issues successfully. But there are times when we need additional help. When those times arise, we strive to reach out for help as needed. 

In addition to calling upon that Higher Power for assistance, we have also dug into helpful reading material on the subject of sex and other marital issues for further education, guidance, and inspiration. 

We have even been to professional marriage counseling a time or two in conjunction with my own psychotherapeutic efforts to troubleshoot my ongoing issues with OCD and depression. 

ALWAYS  REMEMBER: There is no shame in getting help to better yourself or a relationship. Doing so is not a sign of weakness. It is, in fact, a sign of enormous courage, fortitude, and strength—especially if you take action before a crisis forces you into it.

I hope you enjoyed reading about Lina's and my dating and marital journey in this article.

More importantly, I hope you have gained a nugget or two of inspiration and motivation that will help your own self and/or marriage to be happier and more fulfilling and successful. 

Sincerely Yours in SAL and SERENDIPITY,

—Dr. JJ

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

Author's Note: This is the 420th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013 and the 229th consecutive weekly blog published since August 31, 2020.   

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 419 FF Blog Articles 

Click HERE for a complete listing of Freedom Focused SAL QUOTES  

Click HERE for a complete listing of Freedom Focused SAL POEMS   

Click HERE to access the FULL TEXT of Dr. JJ's Psalms of Life: A Poetry Collection

Click HERE for a complete listing of Self-Action Leadership Articles

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Notes:

1.  Macaulay, Thomas B. (1905). Macaulay's Lays of Ancient Rome. Flint, N. (Ed.). Longman's English Classics. Carpenter, G.R. (Gen. Ed.) New York, NY: Longmans, Green, and Co. Reprinted by Forgotten Books (2012). www.forgottenbooks.org. Page 11. Stanza xxvii. Lines 217-224.