Chapter 15
REFINING Stage
LAYER 4: MESOSPHERE
The Mesosphere extends beyond the upper limits of the Stratosphere to about 50 miles (80 kilometers) above the surface of the Earth. Temperatures drop dramatically as you rise higher into the Mesosphere, making it the coldest place in all of Earth's atmosphere.
This layer is too high for airplanes, hot air balloons, and other Earth-bound flying contraptions, but too low for orbiting satellites. It is, therefore, a difficult level for meteorologists and scientists to explore and study.
LEVEL 4: Refining Stage
 |
Refining oil is a complex process that involves
complicated machinery and engineering. |
Like the Mesosphere, the Refining Stage is complicated, difficult to navigate, and mysterious. It is, in short, one of the most challenging and painful stages of all.
Your initial entrance into the Refining Stage may occur against a backdrop of some significant personal or professional achievement, success, or milestone.
For example, you may have finally graduated from college or trade school, received a graduate degree, earned a significant promotion at work, or just started a new business or entrepreneurial venture.
This "Victory" in the Practitioner's Stage was probably marked outwardly by a measure of pomp and circumstance, excitement, celebration, personal satisfaction, and possibly even public praise and adulation.
 |
Graduation is exciting and should be celebrated!
But remember that it is more of a beginning than it is an ending. |
Don't be fooled by these moments of temporary triumph. Instead, follow the advice of Rudyard Kipling and train yourself to treat the twin "imposters" of "Triumph and Disaster" the same. (1)
Kipling's advice is sage, but not easily accomplished; it takes practice! But all self-action leaders must eventually learn this vital skill that comes with existential development and maturation.
Part of the difficulty of the Refining Stage stems from the stark contrast presented by this "High" point of victory, which is then followed up by a significant loss, or worse: a series of ponderous and soul-wrenching trials that follow one after the other for an extended period of time.
The celebration and praise that attends graduating from the Practitioner's Stage into the Refining Stage is usually a positive and satisfying experience. However, it does not mean that your trials are over; far from it, in fact.
In reality, it is more akin to the "Calm before the Storm" phenomenon observed in weather patterns, including thunderstorms, tornados, and in the case of a hurricane—the passage of the hurricane's eye in the middle of the tempest. Your temporary "Win" is merely a positive prelude to the fiery blasts of heat and pressure that accompany unanticipated adversities awaiting you in the Refining Stage.
Many people naively enter this stage of their existential journey with high hopes that their troubles are now behind them—only to discover that their greatest challenges still lie ahead!
This realization may initially lead to profound disappointment, disillusionment, and a measure of discouragement—all of which is common, justified, and understandable.
Such adversity should not, however, be used as an excuse to give up—although many will
decide to do just
that.
But not self-action leaders!
While this is unquestionably a time of rude awakenings, set-backs, failure, rejection, and being ignored, it should never lead to capitulation or surrender.
A literal refiner's fire is hot enough to boil steel. Such intense heat is required to both purify and strengthen iron ore and other precious metals as they are melted, shaped, pounded, and then polished into finished products that are attractive, useful, and resilient. Such heat (adversity) is absolutely necessary to eliminate impurities and weaknesses that exist in precast ore.
Likewise, the agonizing, but crucial metaphysical refining process necessitates a certain amount of discomfort and pain. Thus, in many cases, authentic Existential Growth simply cannot occur without suffering.
The intense metaphysical heat found in the Refiner's Stage has the potential to produce the same effect on YOU as a self-action leader as the intense physical head found in an actual refiner's fire—although it can only accomplish these designs with your willing consent.
Herein lies a great irony: Life is going to provide you with refining opportunities whether you like it or not and whether you want them or not. But whether it changes you in developmental and positive ways is entirely dependent upon how you choose to respond to the adversity.
In other words, it is up to YOU—and you alone—to decide whether you will allow these trials (and the concomitant pain) to make you BETTER, or bitter. Either way, you are going to face the refining process and the agony that accompanies it. As such, it does make a lot of logical sense to choose to move forward in faith and grow from it rather than stand still and curse it.
If you are going to suffer no matter what, why not do everything in your power to make the suffering meaningful and productive; to make "an inner decision" to turn it into "an inner triumph." (2)
Fyodor Dostoevsky once coined a phrase to describe such mature and noble responses to human suffering. His words may be postured as a question as follows: "Are you worthy of your sufferings?" (3)
Some examples of trials you may encounter in the Refining Stage include:
- Loss of car, home, or other significant material or financial setback
- Severe personal or professional disappointment, failure, or rejection
- Serious physical illness or injury
- Onset of (or relapse into) addiction, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), nervous breakdown, or other mental, emotional, or social illness or malaise.
- Crisis of self-confidence and inner security
- Battling through an ethical, moral, spiritual, existential, familial, or other crisis.
- Death or serious (extended) illness of a loved one
- Feeling trapped in the "Existential Vacuum." (4)
What is the "Existential Vacuum" you ask?
According to Viktor Frankl, "the existential vacuum manifests itself mainly in a state of boredom." (5) In employing the term, Boredom, Frankl is not referring to an isolated incidence of casual ennui. Rather, he is describing a soul-deep, existential paralysis that is truly life-numbing.
EXISTENTIAL VACUUM
A soul-deep, life-numbing existential ennui and paralysis akin to depression.
I have spent my fair share of time in OCD-influenced existential vacuums over the course of my late teen, young adult, and early adult years. These episodes were accompanied by a related strain of depression wherein I felt a neurotic fear and dread of life itself. At such times, I found living to be an odious prospect and a gloomy chore.
Existential panic attacks marked by darkness and dread conspired with these miserable states of being, making them even worse!
It was awful!
Just as the mesosphere is the most difficult atmospheric level to explore, the Refining Stage often provides you with your life's most difficult challenges. As trying as your challenges may have
seemed in the Beginner's Stage, the obstacles and suffering of the Refining Stage may prove even more excruciating.
Unlike adversity in the Beginner's Stage, which can be solved on lower levels of existential development, the trials of the Refining Stage occur after you have already experienced significant growth and progress. Thus, by the time you experience them, you're already relatively mature, experienced, and capable. As such, you have likely developed a level of personal esteem and self-confidence that may have led you to feel indestructible or untouchable.
Consequently, passing through the Refining Stage can be a profoundly humbling experience.
The goal of the invisible hand of the Refiner is to eradicate within you any lingering false sense of omniscience, omnipotence, or invincibility you may have previously felt. This is an important step in your Existential Growth because self-action leaders who rise above the Refining Stage are keenly and humbly aware of their limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses—no matter how successful they may have been in the past. The wisdom derived from this 20/20 metaphysical self-vision is one of the things that makes self-action leaders unusually capable and powerful after the refining process is complete.
Your own passage through the Refining Stage will provide YOU with an unmistakable opportunity to more fully comprehend the fatal folly of human hubris.
This stage was by far the hardest I've ever experienced, and it will likely be the hardest you'll ever experience as well. For some, refining moments may be more prominent in one life area than another.
My own personal refining stage came in the key life arenas of my mental health, career, and romantic relationships. This trio of deep and penetrating trials absolutely rocked my world and shook it to its core. The harrowing experiences that accompanied these challenges racked my entire being (mind, heart, and spirit) with indescribably intense metaphysical heat, pressure, and pain.
It was agonizing!
But the result was wonderful as many personal impurities (e.g. arrogance, ignorance, myopia, naivete, and selfishness) were gradually expunged from my mind, heart, and soul.
And that is precisely the aim of the refining process!
My journey was so arduous, excruciating, long-lasting, and at times soul-crushing that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. On the other hand, and paradoxically, I kind of wish that everyone could have the opportunity to experience what I did because the rewards that have come post-refining have been entirely worth it. After all, there is only ONE way to extract pure gold from impure ore, and that is to refine it with scorching heat and pressure filled blasts of fierce and forceful power.
There is no other way.
 |
A caterpillar must pass through an excruciating and
extended process of extricating itself from its cocoon
before it can stretch its wings and show off its full colors. |
Refining is an ugly, but oh so necessary process in any
kind of authentic growth. Whether you are a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon, a diffident, homely, and pimple-faced teenager gradually blooming into an attractive, capable, and confident adult, a shiny sword being forged in a blacksmith's shop, or a potential-laden personal leader being transformed into an authentic and kinetic self-action leader, things are rarely attractive when the refining process begins or when you are in the middle of it. But, when the procedure is complete, the final result can truly be an "out-of-this-world" transformation!
This extraordinary journey of metamorphosis is as agonizing as it is exciting and extraordinary. While the caterpillar must struggle mightily to break free from the shackles of its cocoon, the brilliant and beautiful butterfly that emerges is truly magnificent to behold!
Theoretically speaking, any person would gladly accept and welcome refining because of the richness of the rewards on the far side of its poignant procedures. After all, it's the only way to realize your full potential and advance to higher levels of Existential Growth. Practically speaking, however, the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage can prove so intense and scalding that many give up before the process is through... or grow bitter and curse the trials rather than allow them to do their terrible, yet terrific, work.
If YOU truly desire further Existential Growth, then you have no choice but to face up to its full fury and wrath and then push through to the other side with dogged determination. Simply stated, there is no other way to break down and melt away the dross and impurities that inhibit your long-term growth and progress.
This "melting" occurs as we begin to let go of arrogance, ego, self-deception, and bad habits that have previously polluted our potential. As flawed human beings, we too often maintain our grip on such things because it's what we've known in the past, are mired in bad habits, and/or are too easily seduced and discouraged by the scoffs and scorns of the crabs.
Doing so halts our progression in the same way that a dam stops the flow of a river.
We human beings are strange that way. Too often we are loathe to give up the very things that are certain to endanger or even destroy us in the end.
The purpose of the refining process is to coax you to "loosen your grip" on those things that harm you and hinder your Existential Growth until you eventually "let go" of whatever is harming yourself and/or others. But like Paraguayan Monkeys, human beings in general too often refuse to "let go" of the "Coconut Treasure"—whatever bad habit, vice, or other weakness—that is causing their downfall. As a result, we neither obtain the treasure, nor free ourselves from the grip of the coconut. (6)
It is a sad, self-imposed catch-22!
All self-action leaders who eventually attain the highest levels of Existential Growth must successfully pass through the Refining Stage and come out the other side humble, teachable, empowered, and motivated to, in-turn, teach, lead, and influence others.
All human beings face significant challenges and trials in their lives. Thus, all of us have the opportunity to be refined on some level. Sadly, some people refuse to be refined no matter how severe their adversity, how long their trials last, or how clearly their self-deceptions are exposed.
Such persons will go to great lengths to justify why
their way is the right way even—and perhaps especially—when it is in fact the wrong way. And the more ardent and energetic they are in their quest, the more convinced they become that wrong is right and vice versa.
Over time, the cleverest of these persons devolve into delusional demigods determined to poison the minds and hearts of anyone willing to listen to the pseudo truths of their cherished erroneous ideologies.
The result?
They voluntarily give up their opportunities for further Existential Growth and progress. In the process, they replace their own glass ceilings with self-constructed ceilings of steel-reinforced concrete. Said barriers are much more difficult to penetrate than glass, but are only impregnable to those who choose to hold onto their own way and either remain in the clutches of the Refining Stage or regress to lower levels of Existential Growth. It is a sad state of being, where you end up festering in the miserable confines of your own self-constructed prison cell.
If you had a relatively easy experience transcending the Beginner's and Practitioner's Stage, the adversity of the Refining Stage may prove even more unpleasant because you have not yet faced any serious trials in your life. For example, if you met with a lot of initial success and very little failure in the first three stages, you may be less prepared for the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage than others who may have already experienced similarly "Refining" moments in previous stages.
Bottom Line: everyone travels a unique pathway through life. None of us experience the exact same things at the exact same time as anyone else.
The Refining Stage brings the heat and power required to incinerate whatever issues are inhibiting a further rise in your Existential Growth. It also has the sharpness necessary to sever any lingering ties you may have with existential crabs. As you mature as a human being and self-action leader, the co-dependency of your past gradually grows into the independence of your present and then eventually into the interdependence of your future. (7)
The Refining Stage will prove your mettle by uncovering your inadequacies and insecurities and transforming them into strength and confidence. Along the way, it will test you to your very core. It will provide you with a golden opportunity to "partake of life's bitter cups ... [but] without becoming bitter." (8)
To transcend the Refining Stage, you must demonstrate high levels of constitutional, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, moral, and financial acuity, resilience, and self-reliance.
The Refining Stage provides you with an opportunity to prove to yourself and others that you are capable of facing extreme adversity and, with the aid of Serendipity, conquer it to emerge confident, courageous, morally oriented, and ready to pursue even greater growth.
The Refining Stage is an existential sieve.
It separates the humble and strong from the prideful and weak.
It is a poignant and potent reminder that
life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you and you alone to decide.
"Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you
and you alone to decide."
—Cavett Robert
Not much is known about the mesosphere because it is too high for hot air balloons or airplanes, yet too low for orbiting satellites or space stations. This makes it the most mysterious of Earth's many atmospheric levels, and the most difficult for scientists to explore.
Similarly, the Refining Stage produces a series of mystifying trials and challenges that will be uniquely tailored to YOU and you alone. These challenges will be incredibly difficult to understand and solve, and you will inevitably need the help of Serendipity and other people to safely navigate them.
While help from others will be essential in the Refining Stage, you must also come to recognize and accept the reality that no one else can take the journey for you; nor can anyone eradicate the pain and suffering inherent to this stage. In this sense, it is a very lonely journey—one that you must ultimately take alone, albeit with the ever-present aid of Serendipity, which is an unspeakable comfort upon which you should always seek to rely. (9)
The poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, wrote a poem that eloquently articulates the loneliness of this unusually somber and trying stage of your Existential Growth and development.
Solitude
 |
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
1850-1919 |
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone,
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air,
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,—
There are none to decline your nectar'd wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain. (10)
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox
In addition to being hauntingly beautiful poetry, these three stanzas are haunting—period!
Such is the nature of the Refining Stage!
While passing through the adversarial depths of the Refining Stage, you may question whether it is worth it to keep striving. This vacillation of purpose occurs not only because the Refining Stage is so difficult and painful, but because it often lasts for extended periods of time. I have personally spent more than half of my life in this stage, and it was terrible! At times, the pain of the refining process in my life proved horrifically excruciating and seemed like it would never end.
The GOOD NEWS is that eventually it did end, and I was able to graduate and move on to the next level in my Existential Growth—the Polishing Stage—which still has its challenges, to be sure, but in the aggregate, is not nearly as bad as the Refining Stage.
Fortunately, not everyone will experience the Refining Stage as intensely as I did. For many (and perhaps most) people, your Refining Stage may not be as difficult and long-lasting as mine was. But no matter who you are, YOU will face a Refining Stage if you live long enough.
The timing of the Refining Stage will vary for different people. Some will experience powerful refining experiences early on in their life. Others may experience the bulk of their refining in middle age. Still others may reach their golden years before their mind, heart, and soul's purest gold is refined.
I was cursed—or blessed, depending on how you look at it—to experience deep, harrowing, penetrating, and powerful refining experiences during my teenage, adolescent, and young adult years. In my case, chronic mental, emotional, and social illnesses conspired with added career crucibles to dominate my life for over 30 years (1992-2023). It was a brutal, ongoing menagerie of malaises that relentlessly refined me.
(see BOOK the SIXTH, Chapters 3-5 for detailed narratives of these refining life experiences of mine).
The bad news is that this refining process was ponderously and profoundly challenging.
The good news is that it has absolutely made me who I am today.
No matter who you are, YOU will pass through refining obstacles and trials in your life. The question is not if, but when, what, and how long?
That is the bad news.
The good news is that no matter what comes your way, if you are willing to focus intently, work hard, remain determined, and patiently endure the crucibles that come your way in the Refining Stage, you will come out on the other side strengthened, refined, ready, and motivated for the next level—the Polishing Stage.
While my own Refining Stage will always carry echoes and reverberations of heartache, stress, and suffering, my progression—and all the physical and metaphysical accoutrements, blessings, and gifts that have accompanied it—is entirely worth it.
I would never desire or seek to pass through such excruciating times again. However, I also wouldn't trade anything in the universe for what I have become by enduring this refining process and passing through these trials.
It is soooooooo WORTH IT!
I therefore urge YOU with all the energy of my heart, mind, and soul to cultivate the conviction that, come what may amidst the crucibles of the Refining Stage, you will consciously choose to never give up and eventually come out on top—a glorious place where your heart, mind, and soul will swell with thanksgiving because of what you have become.
In Your Journal
- What life experiences have you had in the past that felt like the Refining Stage?
- What experiences are you presently passing through that feel like the Refining Stage?
- What refining experiences do you believe may still be in your future?
- What principles and tools did you learn from this chapter that will help you through future Refining Stages?
—Dr. JJ
Wednesday, September 4, 2024
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
Author's Note: This is the 406th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013 and the 215th consecutive weekly blog published since August 31, 2020.
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Chapter 15 Notes
1. In his famous poem, If, the British Poet, Rudyard Kipling, instructs his audience to treat the twin “imposters” of “triumph and disaster” “just the same,” thus insinuating that human beings would be wise to avoid allowing themselves to feel “too high” or “too low” about their performance based on the social barometer’s current reading and commentary.
2. Frank, V. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Boston, MA: Beacon Press. Page 66 and 72.
3. Ibid. Page 66-67. Frankl quotes Dostevsky as follows:
"Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under [terrible] circumstances, decide what shall become of him—mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once: 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said of them that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful." (pages 66-67)
4. Ibid. Page 106 (see pages 106-108).
5. Ibid. Page 106.
6. Kenyon, R. (2017). "Paraguay Monkey Trap." Positopian. Medium. 2 December 2017. URL: https://medium.com/the-positopian/paraguay-monkey-trap-b6ea47781ca4
7. Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York, NY: Fireside.
8. Maxwell, N. M. (2004). Remember how merciful the Lord hath been. URL: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/remember-how-merciful-the-lord-hath-been?lang=eng
9. Self-action leaders inhabiting the highest levels of Existential Growth often retrospectively recognize that the most significant contributions of Serendipity and others were made in the midst of the Refining Stage, even though, ironically, it seemed at the time as though such help was the most absent.
10. Wilcox, E.W. (1889). Poems of Passion. Chicago, IL: Belford, Clarke and Co. Publishers. Page 131-132. Google Books version.
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