Chapter 5
Building Relationships
Construction Stage 1.2: Consultations
SAL Model Stage 1.2: Building Relationships
"If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science [and art] of human relationships—
the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace."
—Franklin D. Roosevelt
A key component of building a SAL-driven life and/or career is building meaningful relationships that are mutually beneficial and fulfilling. A construction company must similarly form relationships and then work effectively with an array of employees, financial backers, industry experts, and government officials in the effective execution of a major building project.
Good relationships help every phase of the construction process to go smoothly and be efficient. Likewise, quality relationships will help you in every phase of your progression up the SAL Hierarchy as a self-action leader.
It has been said that you become like the FIVE (5) people with whom you spend the most time. This is a great truism. No matter how hard you may try to circumvent it, you will inevitably be influenced by those with whom you spend the most time.
Your Existential Growth will ultimately rise or fall based on who you associate with and the quality of your relationships with other people. The operative word here is quality, not quantity. In other words, you don't need thousands, hundreds, or even dozens of friends to be successful. But you do need a few, key, trustworthy friendships and relationships with reliable people who will be there for you in the bad times as well as the good.
There will be times when you'll need help, advice, encouragement, support, and in some cases—as my personal narrative amply evinces—professional, or perhaps even clinical assistance. Life is full of accidents, challenges, obstacles, and other difficulties. It is infinitely easier to navigate the storms of mortality if you are surrounded by a capable, caring, compassionate, and reliable milieu of family and/or friends and/or colleagues who love you and have your back. While some people are born into a more caring, reliable, and stable environment than others, there is much that YOU and I can do after birth to create our own support system of quality relationships over time.
Benjamin Franklin offered wise counsel related to forming relationships. Said he: Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, and enemy to none.
"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, and enemy to none."
—Benjamin Franklin
At Freedom Focused, we extract bushels full of wisdom from this brief quip and quote. In fact, we hold that this simple, 17-word statement implies FIVE (5) different levels of relationships, as follows:
LEVEL 1: Relationship with your Source......................................your Creator and/or Conscience
LEVEL 2: Relationship with your Companion/Partner.................the One
LEVEL 3: Relationship with your Inner Circle.............................the Few
LEVEL 4: Relationship with your Outer Circle.............................the Many
LEVEL 5: Relationship with Everyone Else..................................the All
LEVEL 1 Relationship
Level one is where you cultivate a relationship with your Source.
For me, this is God, meaning my Heavenly Parents—the progenitors of my spirit or soul—in conjunction with my conscience, which I view as the Light of God within my mind, heart, and soul.
My conscience is an incredibly important part of my relationship with my Source. I believe my Source wants me to think, speak, and act in ways that will maximize my happiness, success, and service contributions to others. I believe further that my conscience exists to direct, guide, and prompt me toward those actions, words, and thoughts my Source would have me pursue.
YOU may have a different conceptualization of your Source than I do, and that is okay. Everyone is free to search out and discover the ontological essence of one's Source for oneself. Examples of potential Sources include God, the Universe, nature (or "Mother Nature"), procreation, evolution, your conscience, your soul, and humanity's or society's collective conscious (1) and collective unconscious (2), etc.
When you are in need of advice, counsel, encouragement, help, healing, or support, I suggest you turn first to your SOURCE. I personally find enormous comfort, guidance, peace, and wisdom from doing so.
Self-action leaders cultivate a relationship with their Source by investing time and effort connecting with Him, Her, It, etc. Some accomplish this through prayer, fasting, reading, study, group discussions and instruction, and other religious practices or rites of worship. Some find it through quiet reflection, meditation, tai chi, or yoga. And some do it by exercising or spending time alone in nature.
Suffice it to say, there are many different ways to connect with your Source. The specifics of how YOU will choose to pursue that connection and/or relationship will ultimately be up to you to decide. However you decide to pursue your Source, Freedom Focused encourages you to pursue it earnestly, honestly, and energetically.
LEVEL 2 Relationship
On level two, you cultivate a relationship with a primary partner or companion (the ONE).
For me, this is my wife, Lina. For you, it may be a spouse or significant other, a parent, a sibling or other family member, or a close personal friend.
After your Source, your companion or partner is your closest and most important and valued confidant and friend. When you need company, a sounding board, counsel and advice, a sympathetic or empathetic ear, or cheerleading, you should generally turn to your companion before turning to anyone else. In cases where you also turn to someone else, you should keep your companion abreast of any and all such interactions with others. Lack of communication and transparency with your companion will weaken the bonds of your connection and erode trust in the relationship.
If you want your companion to be there for, and respond positively to you, you must be willing and prepared to commit fully to the relationship. This includes a willingness to regularly invest time and energy on behalf of your companion and the well-being of your shared relationship.
Selfishness is a relationship killer.
Selflessness is a relationship builder and fortifier.
SAL Mantra
Selfishness is a relationship killer.
Selflessness is a relationship builder and fortifier.
LEVEL 3 Relationship
On level three, you cultivate relationships with your Inner Circle (the FEW).
Your Inner Circle consists of a relatively small group of close friends and loved ones. Such persons could be immediate or extended family members, friends, neighbors, work colleagues, healthcare professionals, personal and professional advisors, et cetera; in short, anyone with whom you desire to maintain a close, familiar, and personal relationship.
Your Inner Circle should consist of approximately a dozen people (or less).
After turning to your Source and companion, you can seek out members of your Inner Circle to fulfill your emotional, social, professional, and other needs. But don't expect to get anything from these relationships that you are not ready and willing to give in return.
Laws of reciprocity apply to all healthy relationships that last. While some persons will extend unconditional love toward you no matter what you do (or don't do), especially in the short run, authentic relationships can only survive and thrive in the long-run if both or all individuals are mutually committed to the relationship[s].
LEVEL 4 Relationship
On level four, you cultivate relationships with your Outer Circle (the MANY).
Unlike your Inner Circle, which is made up of close, treasured, and trusted confidants, your Outer Circle consists of people with whom you have an easy, casual, and more surface-level social relationship. Depending on your personality and social preferences, this milieu could potentially include dozens, scores, hundreds, or even thousands of people.
As with other relationship levels, you will get back what you put into any and all relationships. Nevertheless, self-action leaders recognize the importance and value of their time and energy, and are keenly aware that they possess finite amounts of both. They are therefore careful and conscientious managers of both. Consequently, they are sparing with the energy and time they spend with their Outer Circle in order to avoid neglecting more essential relationships they share with their Inner Circle, companion, and Source.
LEVEL 5 Relationship
Level five relationships (the ALL) include any acquaintances, associations, or other human beings outside of or beyond your Outer Circle.
Level five is a reminder of the absolute Existential Equality of all human beings. It serves as a principle that prompts you to treat anyone and everyone with dignity and respect, regardless how your personal preferences or values may differ.
Perhaps most importantly, level five is a reminder to avoid making enemies as you would dodge a deadly plague. There are, of course, times when you may make an enemy (or enemies) for saying or doing the right thing by taking an unpopular, but principled stand as a leader and/or self-action leader.
You cannot control how others will respond to YOU choosing the right.
You can, however, avoid making enemies unnecessarily by always treating others—including those with whom you dislike or disagree—with dignity and respect insofar as reasonably possible.
In many, and perhaps most cases, you will not have a direct relationship with those on level five. This level includes colleagues you seldom interface or work with, those you only meet once or twice, those you work with on a short-term basis, and the multitudes of strangers you continually mingle among and/or pass by as you come, go, and otherwise live your life.
Despite the relative shallowness and superficiality of level five interactions, these relationships still matter and can be potentially meaningful as well. After all, I don't know anybody who hasn't been positively and negatively impacted by an array of different persons through short-lived or even one-time social interactions.
Furthermore, any indirect contact you make with other people as a coach, leader, teacher, public speaker, writer, or other influencer can have a tremendous impact on others—even if you never get to meet or know them personally.
Years ago, before I married Lina, a friend and roommate of mine shared with me how he had overheard a mutual acquaintance refer to me as a "Model Citizen." I laughed out loud when I heard this. I suppose it struck me funny in part because I recognized that such an appraisal was perhaps as likely to be poking fun at me as it was a compliment.
In reality, it was probably a little of both!
Regardless, it made me feel good to learn that my personal conduct and example shone through in an ostensibly positive manner—at least for that particular person. After all, a key objective of self-action leaders in all of their relationships is to model the kind of attitudes, speech, and behavior that would be worthy of emulation by others.
While our most important relationships will (and should) be cultivated on the first four levels, don't underestimate the potential importance and value of level five relationships. In many cases, you may never know exactly how you come across to others around you on level five. But make no mistake: YOU are an agent of influence wherever you go and to whomever you come across, regardless of the relative depth or shallowness of your interactions and/or relationship.
What kind of example are you setting for those who cross your path each day? How do your words, deeds, and attitudes affect those who pass you by?
Think for a moment about all the people in this world that YOU have never met, yet have still had a significant impact or influence on your opinions, thoughts, viewpoints, and attitudes. Similarly, think about all the people that have never met YOU, yet have still been impacted or influenced by your attitudes, viewpoints, thoughts, and opinions.
Such questions are worth pondering as you consider the nature and extent of the impact and influence YOU have on all the people with whom you share interactions or relationships on level five.
What Else Really Matters?
When it comes to what really matters in our lives in the long-run, I am reminded of something I once heard Dr. Stephen R. Covey say on one of his training audio programs. Said he: In the end, what else is there but relationships?
"In the end, what else is there but relationships?"
—Stephen R. Covey
It was a most piercing and poignant question, and it resonated with me deeply—then... and ever since.
In our relentless pursuit of basic commodities for survival and living—and amidst all our ancillary ambition for surplus material gain and prosperity—we as self-action leaders must continually remind ourselves that it is all as dross and dust compared to the human connections we form and the personal relationships we forge and nurture and enrich with other human beings.
Simply stated, PEOPLE are what matter most in this world—and beyond.
That's the way things really are.
EVERYTHING else is of secondary, tertiary, or negligible importance.
YOU will always find the greatest of life's satisfactions, joys, rewards, and fulfillments in the human connections you form and then sacrifice to perpetuate and deepen. It is not easy to develop enriching relationships that last; nor do such lasting connections come together and congeal quickly. But it is infinitely worth the commitment, effort, and endurance required to pursue, acquire, enjoy, and then continually nurture them!
SAL Master Challenge
Exercise #8
Take some time to reflect on your relationships in the five (5) levels described above in Chapter 5. Who in your life belongs on which level? Are your present relationships a reflection of your highest priorities and deepest held-values and goals? If not, what THREE (3) changes can and should you make in the immediate future to better harmonize your relationships with those values and goals?
I have made the following three (3) changes to better harmonize my current relationships with my deepest held values and goals.
1.
2.
3.
In Your Journal
- How important are PEOPLE to you in your life and career, and why?
- How do human beings stack up against other values, priorities, and foci in your life and career?
- In what ways are you presently valuing things more than people?
- Why do you think you sometimes value things more than people?
—Dr. JJ
Wednesday, February 5, 2025
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
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Chapter 5 Notes
1. The "Collective Unconscious" is a term and concept coined and developed by the twentieth century psychologist, Carl Jung (1875-1961). The dictionary defines Collective Unconscious as: (in Jungian psychology) the part of the unconscious mind which is derived from ancestral memory and experience and is common to all humankind, as distinct from the individual's unconscious (New Oxford American Dictionary, E-version for MAC OS).
2. The "Collective Conscious" is a term and concept coined and developed by Émile Durkheim, a French sociologist. It refers to the shared beliefs, mores, traditions, and values found within a broad collective group within human society.
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