Fighting and Surrendering vs. YIELDING

Nearly everywhere you look in our
contemporary world, people are FIGHTING

Our contemporary world is filled with fighting—both verbally and physically.

It is really SAD!

Sadder still, the existence of Social Media has made things much worse in recent years and decades, thus leading us into an awful cycle of collective vitriol and violence that seems to get worse with each passing day.

Fighting feeds on itself, thereby engendering more and more fighting while weakening all parties engaged in its self-destructive patterns. It is an endless negative cycle that will not—nay, cannot—be broken by merely more fighting. Yet, ironically, it is the "more fighting" route that seemingly everyone chooses to take amidst an ever-enlarging morass made up of myriad conflicts around the globe.

If we are ever going to make significant headway into solving the significant challenges of our time, we need less fighting and more focused, strategic, and wise yielding.

What exactly do I mean by "YIELDING?"

GOOD QUESTION!

First of all, I must emphasize what I do not mean when I employ the term "YIELD." In encouraging my readers to yield, I DO NOT mean to imply surrender. 

There are always those who, wishing to eschew fighting, simply give up—or give in—in the face of pressure, stress, or worse—deceit, intentional unfairness, or tyranny. Surrender is the opposite extreme of fighting, and in the long-run, can be just as dangerous and foolhardy as fighting.

With this said, it is important to note that there are usually exceptions to every rule in the realms of moral behavior. As such, there are times when it is both good and right to fight. For example: it made both moral and practical sense for the Allies to wage war against the evil and tyrannical aims of Adolf Hitler and his axis comrades in World War 2.

There are also times when it is both good and right to surrender. For example, if someone has a gun pointed to your head and demands your wallet, it is almost certainly wiser to give him or her your wallet than to risk an avoidable catastrophe.  

Aristotle's Golden Mean Inspires us to seek
Balance in our Lives and Careers

Nevertheless, most of the time, fighting and surrendering represent extremes that can and should be avoided. In the face of these two extremes (fighting and surrendering), YIELDING is meant to serve as a productive, balanced alternative—emblematic of Aristotle's "Golden Mean." 

Click HERE to learn more about Aristotle's GOLDEN MEAN.

One of the most interesting quotes I ever came across was spoken by the esteemed author, Dale Carnegie, who famously wrote the best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.   

Said Carnegie:

"When you fight, you can never get enough; but when you yield, you get more than expected."

— Dale Carnegie

I think that is one of the wisest things that has ever been spoken.  

Do you ever find yourself arguing or fighting (virtually or in-person) about politics, religion, culture, science, history, or some other controversial topic? If so, have you ever gotten enough? Or do you believe that you will, at some point in the future, get enough... you know, after you have fought over it long enough? And in the midst of these back-and-forths, how many times has your adversary exclaimed in humble and sincere gratitude: "Oh, thank you for showing me where I was wrong; I completely agree with you now; now we can be best friends forever!"

Self-Action Leaders are good at laughing...
Especially at themselves!

If you are laughing right now, that is a good thing.  

I'm chuckling myself because I've done my share of verbal bickering with friends, associates, and others over the years.

And you know where it has gotten me?

          Usually nowhere.

Consequently, I've learned—bit-by-bit by degrees over long periods of time—that yielding is usually much more satisfying, endearing, and productive than fighting or surrendering could ever hope to be.

In other words—or, more accurately, in Dale Carnegie's words—When you fight, you can never get enough; but when you yield, you get more than expected."  

Why is this?

     How can yielding yield better results than fighting or surrendering?

Another GOOD QUESTION!

The rest of this article aims to answer this question.      

There are times in life when it is important to be right.
But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live/work with.

I once heard a wise man give a speech. In his remarks, he said something that has since been burned into my soul. His advice: "There are times in life when it is important to be right. But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live with."

"There are times in life when it is important to be right. But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live with."

— Christoffel Golden 

If you are laughing again, then that is, once again, a good thing!

Obviously there are isolated occasions when "being right" really is a matter of life or death—or some other point of unusual importance. But I've discovered that about 99.9% of the time, that is not the case. Consequently, we human beings have the tendency to get unduly worked up about all sorts of issues that are either not as important as we think they are, or are matters over which we have virtually zero influence or control. Yet, despite these factual realities, we will continue to fight with others over said issues as if our lives really did depend on it—and usually to the detriment of a myriad of relationships. We humans are funny that way—and in so many other ways! In the words of the famed comedian, Brian Regan, "Human Beings, man!"

"Human beings, man!"

— Brian Regan 

What is your natural proclivity?
Surrender, Fight, or YIELD?

Whether in a marriage or fraternal relationship, a friendship, or a professional working arrangement, you really are more likely to win friends and influence people by being easy to work with than you are by being persistently belligerent or bellicose over issues of relative unimportance. This includes that overladen minefield of matters over which, however inherently important, you and those with whom you are bickering have little (if any) authority to directly impact.

This has been a hard—but oh, so, important—lesson for me to learn (and I am still learning it!).

Why has it been so hard for me to learn?

I suppose the difficulty for me comes from my natural outspokenness. In addition, I really do CARE—a lot... about a lot of different issues. Consequently, I tend to have strong feelings and opinions about a myriad of matters.

It is good to feel strongly about people and things, but passion can quickly go awry if we are not cautious and disciplined in our thoughts, speech, and actions. I know this is true because my own unbridled passion has gotten me entangled in a variety of avoidable predicaments and problems over the years.

Fortunately, I've come a long ways—long enough to be able to write this article with what I hope will be an air of authenticity, experience, credibility, and value to others who may similarly struggle—which I suppose is all of us to one extent or another.   

Many human beings fall into the categories of extremes when it comes to this issue. In other words, many are prone to fight or surrender in situations where they are challenged by others. The fighters are usually high-spirited and unhappy people. And the "white-flag" surrender-prone are usually listless personalities who struggle with low self-esteem. It is the relatively rare (probably 20% or less) who either dispositionally intuit—or, more commonly, discover through diligent education and experience—the magical balance of YIELDING.

So how exactly does one YIELD when confronted? And how does it differ from fighting and surrendering? 

Or refrain from the argument entirely!

Yielding involves much more effort than surrendering and higher levels of maturity, communication skills, and logic than fighting. To yield to someone does not mean you give up—or give-in—to it or them. Nor does it involve acquiescing to or accepting another's viewpoints.

When you yield to someone, you give them complete freedom to speak their mind with impunity. You actively listen, which involves restating points and probing further with follow-up questions as necessary (or as desired).

Next, you resist the urge to become angry—no matter how angry you might feel inside. That skill is what Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is all about, and as most wise persons will tell you, EQ is usually even more important and valuable in the real world than IQ.

With your emotions in check, you then state your own frame of reference with confidence and, insofar as possible, supporting data. Lastly, you do not try to change the other person; you simply grant them complete freedom to make up their own mind based on the conversation. Sometimes you might influence a positive change in others. Many (and perhaps most) times, you will not. But either way, it is okay because you cannot change other people—nor would a self-action leader ever want to try. You can only influence other people to CHANGE themselves.

There is a great deal of power inherent in our ability and opportunity to influence outcomes. As such, authentic self-action leaders should seek continually to positively influence others by virtue of wise, balanced, and mature YIELDING strategies; but control is simply out of the question. Even if you could control another person (as in the case of brute force [e.g. a loaded gun]), anyone with any sense knows that that approach only brings about short-term results; it never changes hearts or minds in the long-run—not to mention the utter immorality involved in denying another person's one's freedom to choose (agency).   

SAL is about Invitation and Influence,
not coercion and control

It is true that self-action leaders are interested in changing minds and hearts in the direction of the SAL Philosophy of living. But we have zero interest in coercion. Kind communication and persuasive pedagogy?

YES!

But never should anyone for any reason seek to force the human mind against its independent and completely volitional will.

While the word "YIELDING" may initially connote weakness or submission, it is, in fact, neither. It is merely a kind, considerate, and ultimately courageous form of communication that builds bridges to other people, rather than wreaking a wide swath of relational divisiveness and destruction along your ongoing path through life.

So what exactly does Yielding look like in a real conversation?

To answer that question, consider the following scenario:

Imagine someone states or asserts "X" and you disagree, preferring the "Y" or "Z" option in the matter. Yielding would involve affirming their own belief and then respectfully stating that you see it differently, how/why you see it differently, and providing relevant information to back up your position. Then, if the other person tries to escalate the conversation into "fight mode" you might respectfully state that you "aren't going there"—and perhaps adding that you respect their right to view it as they choose, and that you reserve that same right for yourself. In some situations, you might choose to continue the debate with a determination to maintain your cool. However, if the other person persists in further escalation towards fight mode, then JUST... WALK... AWAY. 

Fighting = Greater DIVISION
Yielding = Greater UNITY

In other instances, another alternative is to either not say anything at all—with accurate foreknowledge of the consequences—or else provide a blanket disclaimer, such as: "For personal, professional, or positional reasons, I simply don't (or can't) discuss my politics (etc.)."

As you might expect, I am NOT the surrendering type, so my constant challenge is to try and YIELD instead of fighting. I have found in numerous instances throughout my life that I do, in fact, GAIN more from YIELDING than I ever could by fighting or surrendering. When I succeed in yielding, I find that while I miss the opportunity to "scratch the itch" that comes from a good fight, the only way to eliminate that pesky itch is to choose to consistently YIELD instead of fighting.

I have discovered that with practice, this negative itch eventually dissipates over time. Better yet, my relationships with other people are immensely improved compared to how they would have been had I persisted in fighting.

Are you more prone to fighting or surrendering?

What might you do beginning TODAY to begin a new life full of relationships guided by wise, respectful, and strategic YIELDING?            

-Dr. JJ

August 11, 2021

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

Author's Note: This is the 224th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 223 FF Blog Articles.  

.........................

Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

And if you liked this blog post, please share it with your family, friends, colleagues, and students—and encourage them to sign up to receive future articles for FREE every Wednesday.

To sign up, please email freedomfocused@gmail.com and say SUBSCRIBE, or just YES, and we will ensure you receive a link to each new blog article every Wednesday.  

Click HERE to learn more about Freedom Focused

Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Jordan Jensen

Click HERE to buy the SAL Textbooks