Fighting and Surrendering vs. YIELDING

Nearly everywhere you look in our
contemporary world, people are FIGHTING

Our contemporary world is filled with fighting—both verbally and physically.

It is really SAD!

Sadder still, the existence of Social Media has made things much worse in recent years and decades, thus leading us into an awful cycle of collective vitriol and violence that seems to get worse with each passing day.

Fighting feeds on itself, thereby engendering more and more fighting while weakening all parties engaged in its self-destructive patterns. It is an endless negative cycle that will not—nay, cannot—be broken by merely more fighting. Yet, ironically, it is the "more fighting" route that seemingly everyone chooses to take amidst an ever-enlarging morass made up of myriad conflicts around the globe.

If we are ever going to make significant headway into solving the significant challenges of our time, we need less fighting and more focused, strategic, and wise yielding.

What exactly do I mean by "YIELDING?"

GOOD QUESTION!

First of all, I must emphasize what I do not mean when I employ the term "YIELD." In encouraging my readers to yield, I DO NOT mean to imply surrender. 

There are always those who, wishing to eschew fighting, simply give up—or give in—in the face of pressure, stress, or worse—deceit, intentional unfairness, or tyranny. Surrender is the opposite extreme of fighting, and in the long-run, can be just as dangerous and foolhardy as fighting.

With this said, it is important to note that there are usually exceptions to every rule in the realms of moral behavior. As such, there are times when it is both good and right to fight. For example: it made both moral and practical sense for the Allies to wage war against the evil and tyrannical aims of Adolf Hitler and his axis comrades in World War 2.

There are also times when it is both good and right to surrender. For example, if someone has a gun pointed to your head and demands your wallet, it is almost certainly wiser to give him or her your wallet than to risk an avoidable catastrophe.  

Aristotle's Golden Mean Inspires us to seek
Balance in our Lives and Careers

Nevertheless, most of the time, fighting and surrendering represent extremes that can and should be avoided. In the face of these two extremes (fighting and surrendering), YIELDING is meant to serve as a productive, balanced alternative—emblematic of Aristotle's "Golden Mean." 

Click HERE to learn more about Aristotle's GOLDEN MEAN.

One of the most interesting quotes I ever came across was spoken by the esteemed author, Dale Carnegie, who famously wrote the best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.   

Said Carnegie:

"When you fight, you can never get enough; but when you yield, you get more than expected."

— Dale Carnegie

I think that is one of the wisest things that has ever been spoken.  

Do you ever find yourself arguing or fighting (virtually or in-person) about politics, religion, culture, science, history, or some other controversial topic? If so, have you ever gotten enough? Or do you believe that you will, at some point in the future, get enough... you know, after you have fought over it long enough? And in the midst of these back-and-forths, how many times has your adversary exclaimed in humble and sincere gratitude: "Oh, thank you for showing me where I was wrong; I completely agree with you now; now we can be best friends forever!"

Self-Action Leaders are good at laughing...
Especially at themselves!

If you are laughing right now, that is a good thing.  

I'm chuckling myself because I've done my share of verbal bickering with friends, associates, and others over the years.

And you know where it has gotten me?

          Usually nowhere.

Consequently, I've learned—bit-by-bit by degrees over long periods of time—that yielding is usually much more satisfying, endearing, and productive than fighting or surrendering could ever hope to be.

In other words—or, more accurately, in Dale Carnegie's words—When you fight, you can never get enough; but when you yield, you get more than expected."  

Why is this?

     How can yielding yield better results than fighting or surrendering?

Another GOOD QUESTION!

The rest of this article aims to answer this question.      

There are times in life when it is important to be right.
But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live/work with.

I once heard a wise man give a speech. In his remarks, he said something that has since been burned into my soul. His advice: "There are times in life when it is important to be right. But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live with."

"There are times in life when it is important to be right. But most of the time, it is better to be easy to live with."

— Christoffel Golden 

If you are laughing again, then that is, once again, a good thing!

Obviously there are isolated occasions when "being right" really is a matter of life or death—or some other point of unusual importance. But I've discovered that about 99.9% of the time, that is not the case. Consequently, we human beings have the tendency to get unduly worked up about all sorts of issues that are either not as important as we think they are, or are matters over which we have virtually zero influence or control. Yet, despite these factual realities, we will continue to fight with others over said issues as if our lives really did depend on it—and usually to the detriment of a myriad of relationships. We humans are funny that way—and in so many other ways! In the words of the famed comedian, Brian Regan, "Human Beings, man!"

"Human beings, man!"

— Brian Regan 

What is your natural proclivity?
Surrender, Fight, or YIELD?

Whether in a marriage or fraternal relationship, a friendship, or a professional working arrangement, you really are more likely to win friends and influence people by being easy to work with than you are by being persistently belligerent or bellicose over issues of relative unimportance. This includes that overladen minefield of matters over which, however inherently important, you and those with whom you are bickering have little (if any) authority to directly impact.

This has been a hard—but oh, so, important—lesson for me to learn (and I am still learning it!).

Why has it been so hard for me to learn?

I suppose the difficulty for me comes from my natural outspokenness. In addition, I really do CARE—a lot... about a lot of different issues. Consequently, I tend to have strong feelings and opinions about a myriad of matters.

It is good to feel strongly about people and things, but passion can quickly go awry if we are not cautious and disciplined in our thoughts, speech, and actions. I know this is true because my own unbridled passion has gotten me entangled in a variety of avoidable predicaments and problems over the years.

Fortunately, I've come a long ways—long enough to be able to write this article with what I hope will be an air of authenticity, experience, credibility, and value to others who may similarly struggle—which I suppose is all of us to one extent or another.   

Many human beings fall into the categories of extremes when it comes to this issue. In other words, many are prone to fight or surrender in situations where they are challenged by others. The fighters are usually high-spirited and unhappy people. And the "white-flag" surrender-prone are usually listless personalities who struggle with low self-esteem. It is the relatively rare (probably 20% or less) who either dispositionally intuit—or, more commonly, discover through diligent education and experience—the magical balance of YIELDING.

So how exactly does one YIELD when confronted? And how does it differ from fighting and surrendering? 

Or refrain from the argument entirely!

Yielding involves much more effort than surrendering and higher levels of maturity, communication skills, and logic than fighting. To yield to someone does not mean you give up—or give-in—to it or them. Nor does it involve acquiescing to or accepting another's viewpoints.

When you yield to someone, you give them complete freedom to speak their mind with impunity. You actively listen, which involves restating points and probing further with follow-up questions as necessary (or as desired).

Next, you resist the urge to become angry—no matter how angry you might feel inside. That skill is what Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is all about, and as most wise persons will tell you, EQ is usually even more important and valuable in the real world than IQ.

With your emotions in check, you then state your own frame of reference with confidence and, insofar as possible, supporting data. Lastly, you do not try to change the other person; you simply grant them complete freedom to make up their own mind based on the conversation. Sometimes you might influence a positive change in others. Many (and perhaps most) times, you will not. But either way, it is okay because you cannot change other people—nor would a self-action leader ever want to try. You can only influence other people to CHANGE themselves.

There is a great deal of power inherent in our ability and opportunity to influence outcomes. As such, authentic self-action leaders should seek continually to positively influence others by virtue of wise, balanced, and mature YIELDING strategies; but control is simply out of the question. Even if you could control another person (as in the case of brute force [e.g. a loaded gun]), anyone with any sense knows that that approach only brings about short-term results; it never changes hearts or minds in the long-run—not to mention the utter immorality involved in denying another person's one's freedom to choose (agency).   

SAL is about Invitation and Influence,
not coercion and control

It is true that self-action leaders are interested in changing minds and hearts in the direction of the SAL Philosophy of living. But we have zero interest in coercion. Kind communication and persuasive pedagogy?

YES!

But never should anyone for any reason seek to force the human mind against its independent and completely volitional will.

While the word "YIELDING" may initially connote weakness or submission, it is, in fact, neither. It is merely a kind, considerate, and ultimately courageous form of communication that builds bridges to other people, rather than wreaking a wide swath of relational divisiveness and destruction along your ongoing path through life.

So what exactly does Yielding look like in a real conversation?

To answer that question, consider the following scenario:

Imagine someone states or asserts "X" and you disagree, preferring the "Y" or "Z" option in the matter. Yielding would involve affirming their own belief and then respectfully stating that you see it differently, how/why you see it differently, and providing relevant information to back up your position. Then, if the other person tries to escalate the conversation into "fight mode" you might respectfully state that you "aren't going there"—and perhaps adding that you respect their right to view it as they choose, and that you reserve that same right for yourself. In some situations, you might choose to continue the debate with a determination to maintain your cool. However, if the other person persists in further escalation towards fight mode, then JUST... WALK... AWAY. 

Fighting = Greater DIVISION
Yielding = Greater UNITY

In other instances, another alternative is to either not say anything at all—with accurate foreknowledge of the consequences—or else provide a blanket disclaimer, such as: "For personal, professional, or positional reasons, I simply don't (or can't) discuss my politics (etc.)."

As you might expect, I am NOT the surrendering type, so my constant challenge is to try and YIELD instead of fighting. I have found in numerous instances throughout my life that I do, in fact, GAIN more from YIELDING than I ever could by fighting or surrendering. When I succeed in yielding, I find that while I miss the opportunity to "scratch the itch" that comes from a good fight, the only way to eliminate that pesky itch is to choose to consistently YIELD instead of fighting.

I have discovered that with practice, this negative itch eventually dissipates over time. Better yet, my relationships with other people are immensely improved compared to how they would have been had I persisted in fighting.

Are you more prone to fighting or surrendering?

What might you do beginning TODAY to begin a new life full of relationships guided by wise, respectful, and strategic YIELDING?            

-Dr. JJ

August 11, 2021

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

Author's Note: This is the 224th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 223 FF Blog Articles.  

.........................

Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

And if you liked this blog post, please share it with your family, friends, colleagues, and students—and encourage them to sign up to receive future articles for FREE every Wednesday.

To sign up, please email freedomfocused@gmail.com and say SUBSCRIBE, or just YES, and we will ensure you receive a link to each new blog article every Wednesday.  

Click HERE to learn more about Freedom Focused

Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Jordan Jensen

Click HERE to buy the SAL Textbooks

Ideas for Practicing Patience

It takes PATIENCE to put together the complicated
puzzle pieces of our life, relationships, and careers.

Last week, I published a post about balancing proactivity with PATIENCE. The purpose of that post was to inspire greater patience in readers.

Click HERE to review last week's ARTICLE.

In today's post, I share some basic ideas about how you can specifically practice patience in your life, relationships, and career.

Practically speaking, this post is more important and valuable than last week's theoretical piece. This is because theory, philosophy, and principles are useless without the exercises, tasks, and practices that accompany them and animate them in real life.

There are few things more unattractive than a supposedly wise sage who, while lounging in one's Lazy Boy sipping something cool and refreshing,* hypocritically pontificates about what everyone else ought be doing while he or she lazily does whatever the #$@! one pleases.

No one likes a two-faced, lying, HYPOCRITE.

Don't be that guy or gal! 

If you are going to bloviate on the whats and hows of human morality and behavior, you darn well better be putting forth a good-faith effort to "practice what you preach" all along the way.

That is my quest; it is also my burden.  

It is a burden because I know (all too well) that I do so imperfectly, and I'll always be up-front and transparent about this fact.

No one is perfect; I'm certainly not. However, I don't believe I have the right, much less the moral authority, to speak about any topic of "Human Betterness" unless I am genuinely striving to become better myself. As such, I pledge to my readers (and hearers of any form) that I am always striving to practice what I preach. Come what may, I assure you that I am always trying my (admittedly imperfect) best.

Of all the virtues that human beings may aspire towards, PATIENCE is one of the most important. It also may well be the one I was most bereft of when born into this world. It seems as though life itself has been very much aware of this fact because it has provided me with seemingly endless opportunities for practice. As such, I know a thing or two about how to practice and develop patience. The purpose of today's article is to share three (3) examples with YOU.

THREE (3) Tips for Practicing Patience.

EXAMPLE 1.  Handling Interruptions

As a stay-at-home dad/professional writer with three kids under the age of nine, I would be very wealthy if I had a dollar for every time I was interrupted while attempting to attend to my part-time professional work—or anything else for that matter!

Case in point: while composing this article, my two elementary school-aged kids were in the other room organizing their classroom supplies for the upcoming school year. I was proud of my delegating skills, which motivated them to excitedly work independently on the project so I could steal away into my office to compose this article. Nevertheless, a dozen or more times during the course of composition, my kids predictably interrupted me to ask questions about their supply lists or make other requests/demands. 

When you are deeply engaged in something important to you, interruptions can be very irritating. So much so, in fact, that the moment they occur, your heart is apt to immediately harden toward both the interruption and the person doing the interrupting. When your heart hardens toward someone or something, you are prone to "react" (i.e. yell, holler, berate, condemn, argue with, etc.) rather than maturely "respond" in a cool, kind, and collected manner. 

Self-Action Leaders STOP, WAIT,
and THINK before they respond.

I always feel bad when I immaturely "react" to a situation rather than maturely "respond." Yet it is still so easy to do! To avoid reacting in favor of responding, I have learned to CONSCIOUSLY CATCH myself whenever I feel my heart begin to harden due to an interruption—or anything else for that matter. Once I have consciously caught myself, I sub-vocally repeat to myself words such as: "STOP," "WAIT," "HOLD ON," or "PAUSE."

There is great power in that split second pause, which can then be transformed into a moment of decision—transmuted into power—that I can then harness to CHOOSE TO respond kindly, lovingly, attentively, and maturely rather than impulsively and ruefully react in childish and unkind ways. By so doing, I can not only productively address the issue at hand and positively cultivate the relationship, but also avoid having to apologize—and the drama that inevitably follows less effective/unkind/rude/wrong speech or behavior. 

I'm not going to lie... this is hard to do! But if you will PRACTICE it, it will get easier—and become more natural, reflexive, and habitual—over time. I know this because it has worked for me! I'm still a long way from perfection in this effort, but I've come a long ways through practice.   

There is ALWAYS something productive you can accomplish
whenever you have to wait for/on something. 

EXAMPLE 2.  Learning to Productively Wait... and to Endure

In life, we all have to spend our share of time waiting around for something or someone. Sometimes our waits might involve a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days; and sometimes our waits can extend into weeks, months, years, or even decades. 

Regardless what you are waiting on/for, there is no limit to the creative ideas for productively filling up "The Waiting Place"**—which, whether we like it or not, is a place that all of us will frequent a lot!***

Some of my favorite things to do when I have to wait in line or wait on an airline is to catch up on news, answer texts and emails, write in my journals, and recite poetry.

Another area of patience that many of us struggle with is patiently enduring a given task until it is entirely and effectively completed. Whether it is a simple domestic task or a gargantuan academic or professional project, effectively enduring until something has been done right can be a challenge for many.    

Restroom Hand Dryers = An Opportunity to Practice Patience

The idea I present here for aiding us in this effort might sound silly, but has worked for me. It involves the use of electric hand dryers in public restrooms/washrooms—strange as that might sound.    

If you watch closely, most people who use public restrooms wash their hands after they use a toilet (thank goodness). However, most people DO NOT fully dry their hands after washing them.

Why is that? 

I think there are two primary reasons. First, because they don't want to make others wait for them (if someone else is waiting in line). And second, because they are simply too impatient to complete the job. Knowing that their hands will eventually "drip dry" no matter how wet they are upon exiting the bathroom, many just conclude that it "jist ain't worth the wait" to fully complete the task!

I have discovered, however, that allowing my hands to dry fully underneath those electric hand dryers is a good way to practice patience. Being human, I have the same urge to "bolt" out of the restroom as soon as I can—and for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, just for fun, and just for practice, I will sometimes force myself to push the button two or three times and patiently wait for my hands to be completely dry before I leave—for no other reason than comfort (the hot, dry air is pretty pleasant if you'll take the time to stop and notice) and the realization that I have just taken advantage of a golden opportunity to PRACTICE PATIENCE, which I can then apply to other, more important life situations and circumstances.  

I recognize the issue of hand-drying is virtually meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Moreover, the extent to which someone dries their hands in a public (or private) restroom does not have any bearing on anything of significant import with regards to health and hygiene (as far as I know). The value of the example is simply found in identifying a unique opportunity to practice PATIENCE; and that's the whole point of the example—finding an opportunity to develop something important from an otherwise meaningless life practice that everyone finds themselves doing on nearly a daily basis.  

This example could, of course, easily be extended to a variety of other relatively mindless activities we participate in on a daily basis—as well as any number of serious moments of WAITING of which we have been called upon to endure. Thus, a mindless activity can become an impressively mindful activity in the most meaningful of ways. After all, what could be more meaningful than further developing a personal VIRTUE, such as patience?  

EXAMPLE 3. Productively Dealing with Delays

The key to productively dealing with delays is to creatively construct action-oriented projects that are highly relevant to whatever it is you are waiting on (in the case of long-term goals), or that are otherwise productive.  

To illustrate: somewhere in between the year 2001 and 2003, I came to the conclusion—with an unusual degree of crystalline clarity—that my professional goal in life was to essentially become a Next-Gen Dr. Stephen R. Covey. That was (and still is) a good goal. However, such a goal is also an extremely ambitious and long-term oriented goal. At the time I set the goal, I was in my early 20s. Forty-seven (47) years my senior, Dr. Covey was in his late 60s at the time, and passed away in 2012.  

That's a big difference! 

I am now in my early 40s and have still not completely achieved my goal. In fact, I've still got a long ways to go. But here's the thing: I've got nearly three more decades to accomplish it! Moreover, I have achieved a plethora of "baby-step" achievements, including the acquisition of some considerable publishing, speaking, and training credentials along the way. While I may not have fully accomplished my goal as quickly as I initially thought possible as a 20-something young man, I remain laser-focused on my long-term vision and mission and continue to make consistent progress all along the way. Come what may, I am continually doing something aimed at moving myself closer to achieving my ultimate objectives as a professional—and as a human being. Even in the absence of concrete opportunities, I am always taking action of some sort—even if those actions are no more than thoughts in my head. 

For example, I have now published over 200 blog articles just like the one you are reading right now. Since posting my first blog post eight years ago, I have had over 77,000 visitors to my blog site. That's a good start, but not nearly enough to achieve my ultimate goal of helping millions—like Dr. Covey.

But guess what?

I keep publishing articles, with a new one rolling off the virtual presses every week! If I remain committed to that one task alone for the next 20 years, my chances of accomplishing my long-term goal get a little better every single week that passes.  

When I first set out on this unique and specific mission and vision in my life, there were some who thought I was naïve, in over my head, or perhaps even foolish. And there were times when I was all three of those things! There are undoubtedly some who still view me that way.

But that's okay.

Why is it okay? Because I don't set goals based on what other people might think about me. I set goals based on what I think about myself, and on what I know I can offer to other people. And I don't let anyone or anything sway me away from my purposes once I am confident those purposes are right. 

How about you?

Do you presently lack the patience, persistence, or personal chutzpah necessary to pursue your authentic dreams, either personally or professionally? Have you allowed life's endless daily duties, routines, and drudgery cause you to lose sight of important personal or professional goals—dreams that lay deeply buried and dormant within your mind, heart, and spirit?   

Persistence + Patience = Victory

If so, what can you do TODAY to take a step away from worrying what other people think about you and towards becoming all you are capable of becoming, come what may?  

Honestly... what are you waiting for?

     The time for ACTION is NOW.

But remember... be prepared to be as PATIENT as you are PERSISTENT all along the way. If you are willing to master BOTH virtues, you cannot fail in the long-run!  

-Dr. JJ

August 4, 2021

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

Author's Note: This is the 223rd Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013. 

Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 222 FF Blog Articles.  

.........................

Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.  

And if you liked this blog post, please share it with your family, friends, colleagues, and students—and encourage them to sign up to receive future articles for FREE every Wednesday.

To sign up, please email freedomfocused@gmail.com and say SUBSCRIBE, or just YES, and we will ensure you receive a link to each new blog article every Wednesday.  

Click HERE to learn more about Freedom Focused

Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Jordan Jensen

Click HERE to buy the SAL Textbooks

Notes:

* The phrase "a goblet of something cool and refreshing" comes from a favorite comedy routine ("Airplanes") of mine by the professional comedian, Brian Regan. 

** From Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. 

*** Paraphrased from Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go! (i.e. "Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.).