A Formula for Change

Chapter 2

A Formula for Change 

Enemies of Personal Change

There are many enemies of personal change. These enemies seek to inhibit your liberty to choose the pathway that will lead to your greatest long-term potential for growth, happiness, progress, success, and inner peace. The onslaught of these enemies charge at you in a variety of ways and from all different directions. You have probably heard the voices of these enemies many times throughout your life. The echo of their refrains include statements such as:

"I was born this way and can never hope to change."

        "It's the fault of my genes or memes, which I am powerless to change." 

                "Changing would crimp my individuality and style and make me just one of the herd." 

                        "This is just the way I am and I (and everyone else) should just accept it." 

                "Even if changing was possible, it'd be too hard and not worth my effort." 

        "Possible or not, I don't want to change." 

"I simply can't change, even if I wanted to." 

My Battles with Change

My life has been, and continues to be, a battle with change. 

These battles started early. For example, I sucked my left index finger until I was TEN YEARS OLD! I can remember as a third grader how embarrassed I was that I struggled with this puerile practice and gross habit. I even developed various rituals to hide my finger for fear of any peering eyes of my peers. I did not want them to see the visible consequences of my childish addiction.  

During the summer prior to my 10th birthday (in between third and fourth grades), I began to ponder on the oddity and immaturity of a ten-year-old addicted to sucking his finger. Such shame-ridden musings led me to carefully consider the implications of breaking my absurdly prolonged habit—and the future forebodings (social and otherwise) of failing to do so. In the process of this reflective introspection, I concluded it was time to take the high road and choose to quit. 

Thus, I resolved that on August 21st, 1989 (my tenth birthday), I would stop sucking my finger.

Doing so was very difficult. For the first several months, I was tempted daily or even hourly—sometimes terribly so—to return to my bad habit. On two occasions, the temptation proved too great for my will to resist, and I relapsed briefly. After each of these "slips" I picked myself up and tried again. I was absolutely determined to succeed, and eventually succeeded in my quest. 

It took a long time before the urge to suck my finger left me entirely; but the cravings did diminish gradually over time. After several years, my desire to suck my finger finally abated completely. Today, in my mid-40s, the thought of sucking my finger is disgusting and repulsive to me. In regards to this particular issue and bad habit, I have succeeded in completely changing. However, to this very day, my left index finger remains slightly smoother (more worn or weathered) than my right index finger—a minor, but irreversible lingering consequence and reminder of my decision to engage in that particular bad habit for all those years of my childhood. 

If only finger sucking was my life's only addiction, bad habit, or vice! 

In the years since I succeeded in overcoming my finger sucking, I have dealt with an array of additional addictions, bad habits, mental and emotional illnesses, vices, and other shortcomings. Over time, I have made significant progress in achieving positive change and progress in dealing with many of these issues. It'd be nice if I could proclaim that I have completely triumphed over all of them; but the truth is that the struggle goes on; that is the bad news. The good news is that I have come a long way, and the successes of my past and present provide me with hope for an ever brighter future as I remain patient with myself and persistent in my willingness to never give up striving to improve.  

At best, life is still a deeply challenging and frequently frustrating journey. It would be convenient if we could just snap our fingers and will ourselves to authentic personal changes overnight. But of course it doesn't work like that! I have been working on some areas of change for years, decades, or even my entire life. Some areas I have mastered; others I have not. Hopefully, through SAL and Serendipity I will master as many of them as possible before my time in this world expires. 

As difficult as change can be, I will never give up trying to become the kind of person I most want to be. This requires that I continue to rise each time I fall; and unfortunately, I fall much more often than I would like. Nevertheless, this self-awareness of my human frailty and imperfections will never stop me from trying.

I believe there is something noble in attempting to improve and change—because even if you fall short, you become something greater than you were before by virtue of having made an effort. And if you never give up trying, you will eventually succeed—often completely, just like I did with my finger-sucking habit. When you do succeed, it may seem like a miracle, and in a sense, it is! There is nothing quite so beautiful, attractive, and magnificent as the miracle of change that occurs when a human being becomes something better and greater than they were prior to making the effort.  

If you are anything like me—i.e. a human being—you were born with and presently carry a bag full of your own blemishes and blunders. In the past, you may have tried very hard and been very clever at hiding them from others, and perhaps even from yourself as well. But deep down somewhere in the dusty recesses of your mind, heart, and soul, you know they exist, and that they are inhibiting your personal, relational, and professional potential and success.

Even deeper down inside, you also know that many of these issues are not merely the result of genetic, mimetic, historical, or social influences alone; they are also heavily influenced and exacerbated by your own poor choices.

Deeper still, perhaps so deep it resides only in your subconscious mind, you know that you are not helpless to change. You are simply like most of us most of the time—undesiring, and especially unwilling, to do the hard work that change demands. 

The good news is that you don't have to be slaves to your emotions, your genetic code, your mimetic influences, your bad habits, or your past mistakes. You possess the keys to transcend these and other negative forces that are currently working against you or holding you down. 

Simply stated: YOU don't have to be a victim anymore.

        You can choose to be a victor instead.  

Remember

A wise man once remarked that the word "Remember" is the most important word in the English language. G.K. Chesterton—a British writer and philosopher—made a similar comment when he remarked that: We need to be reminded more than we need to be instructed. 

"We need to be reminded more than we need to be instructed."

—G. K. Chesterton

This quote is particular apropos in regards to adult learners. 

This Life Leadership Textbook is designed to remind as much as it is to instruct. It aims to review vital truths of which you may already be aware, but to which you are not currently adhering. It is crafted to inspire you to do what only YOU can choose to do: set in motion the process of authentic personal change. 

If change is possible for me, then change is possible for YOU.

        Of this I am absolutely certain. 

At any point in time throughout your life's journey, excessive effort spent bemoaning missed opportunities of the past is time poorly spent. You cannot change what happened yesterday, last year, or decades ago. But you can choose at any instant to begin the process of positive change moving forward. In truth, right now is the only moment you will ever have. That makes it the most important and valuable moment in your life—every day of your life.

What are YOU going to do with this priceless gift of the present?

"Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery;

TODAY is a gift—that's why they call it the PRESENT."

—Multiple author attributions

A Formula for Authentic Change

How is authentic change accomplished?

Through six simple—but not easy—developmental stages or processes.  

1.  DESIRE

2.  UNDERSTANDING

3.  HUMILITY

4.  WORK

5.  PATIENCE

6.  SERENDIPITY

Process 1.  Desire

The first process involves developing a desire to change that is stronger than the desire not to change. There is only so much I can do to help you with this process. Either you desire to change, or you don't. If you do, then these books will be very helpful to you. If you don't, then your progress will be limited until you do desire it. The question then begs: what can I do to obtain a desire for something I am not presently motivated to do, but that I know would benefit me?

Answers to this question will vary from person-to-person. I can't speak for others, but I can tell you what has helped me in the past.  

First, I have found that prayer is beneficial. Why? Because I have received many answers to specific prayers with regards to my personal change desires and efforts; I therefore recommend it to you. What do you have to lose to put sincere prayer to the test?

If you choose not to believe in a Deity and would prefer not to pray, then perhaps you might practice something secularly similar to prayer. For example, you might meditate, practice yoga, learn more about the subject of spiritual intelligence, or even try sending out a metaphysical plea into the ether of the Universe. 

Albert Einstein
1879-1955

As strange as some of these activities might sound to those unfamiliar with them, what do you have to lose to try something new—especially if your past efforts have failed to bring the results you seek? As Albert Einstein is purported to have at least apocryphally remarked: Insanity is doing the same things over and over again while expecting different results.   

"Insanity is doing the same things over and over again while expecting different results."

—Albert Einstein

If you want a different output, you must be willing to invest in a different input; that is just a formulaic reality of mathematics and common sense. 

Second, I like to study a situation to acquaint myself with negative consequences that may occur if I don't develop a desire to do (or not do) something. I then focus on the bad things that will happen if I choose to engage something foolish or neglect something needful. For example, if there is something (or someone) who triggers temptation in you, try imagining that thing (or person) as a vicious crocodile or a venomous snake or spider. Or, in the case of an omitted action, try visualizing what you and your life will be like if you continue omitting an important action—and exaggerate the consequences in your imagination for greater emotional impact.  

Third, I like to consider how doing (or not doing) something might adversely impact my relationships with other people, especially those persons closest and most important to me such as my wife, family members, friends, close associates, and mentors or teachers. This is an especially powerful exercise for me personally because one of my greatest fears in life is being alone, single, and/or friendless. While I appreciate and enjoy healthy doses of solitude, I also have a deep need for companionship and fraternity. If I were to lose my wife, children, or true friends, I would be miserable. Knowing this motivates me to take great care to continually nurture my cherished and valued relationships to maximize the likelihood that I will enjoy these blessings in perpetuity. By continually reminding myself that certain behaviors will cause negative consequences to self, others, and my relationships dramatically altering my thoughts, speech, actions, and attitudes in a way that cultivates and nurtures those relationships. 

Fourth, I like to observe and study those who already possess the desire I lack, but would like to have. I then strive to develop desired attributes and characteristics within my own character.   

Fifth, I strive to be patient with myself in the same way that I strive to be patient with others. Desire is not something that can just be snapped into existence on demand. More often than not, it develops slowly over long periods of time as you undertake a variety of actions related to all five suggestions listed above. Sometimes, the passage of time may be the most important ingredient of all; so be patient with yourself and don't give up trying to develop the desires you don't naturally possess, but hope to develop. For me, desire often starts out as little more than a tiny seed that is virtually unrecognizable from its fruit; it is not yet desire, but merely a desire for the desire: like a shadow of a person or object. If I will then cultivate and nurture this shadow desire patiently over time, it usually will, in its own time, grow and mature into the full-fledged desire itself—or at least significant vestiges thereof—that I ultimately seek.  

Process 2.  Understanding

The second process is to gain an understanding of the principles and practices upon which authentic change is predicated. There is a lot I can do to help you with this process because outlining the principles and practices of personal change is the purpose of this Life Leadership Textbook.  

Process 3.  Humility

Process number three involves TWO (2) different aspects of humility.

The first is to humbly recognize and acknowledge when and where a change is needed in your thoughts, actions, attitudes, etc. The second is to humbly seek out help from others when you are unable to initiate a change on your own. 

Even my best personal efforts were insufficient to overcome many of the biggest challenges in my own life and career. As you come to learn more about my personal and professional backstory, you will see that I had a lot of help from others, including family members, friends, mentors and teachers, professional counselors and doctors, ecclesiastical leaders, and that Higher Power (God). This assistance was essential in finding success in my own change efforts.

For many people, HUMILITY is the most difficult step of all. Admitting you were wrong, flawed, and need help can be devastating to your ego and prove very painful mentally, emotionally, and socially. But no matter how difficult it may be, it is worth it to swallow your pride and humble yourself before facts and reality. Your ego can be a huge stumbling block that inhibits your freedom and diminishes your growth potential. Humility is the answer to keeping your ego in check.  

Process 4.  Work

Process four requires that you exercise both the courage and willingness to work hard and otherwise put in the effort that authentic change demands. The extent of your courage and the strength of your will to labor diligently, remain focused, and persist until you succeed will largely determine your long-term results in virtually any undertaking, including any change effort. 

Process 5.  Patience

Process five requires that you develop patience. Authentic change rarely happens in a single moment or a few days or weeks. More often than not, an extended period of time is required. When I was just a boy, my father taught me a great truth. Said he: Nothing in life worth having comes fast or easy.

Hyrum Wayne Smith (left) & Rex Buckley Jensen (right)
working together as young missionaries in England.
Circa 1963

"Nothing in life worth having comes fast or easy."

—Rex Buckley Jensen

Dad was right.

My uncle, Hyrum W. Smith, taught a similarly powerful principle. Said he: Results take time to measure.  (1)

"Results take time to measure."

—Hyrum W. Smith

Uncle Hyrum was also right.

Holy scripture states that it is in our patience that we possess our souls.  Benjamin Franklin added: He who can have patience can have what he will.

Benjamin Franklin
1706-1790

"In your patience possess ye your souls."

—Luke 21:19  

"He who can have patience can have what he will."

—Benjamin Franklin  

While Franklin's words may seem to overstate the point, I love the nugget of truth contained in this maxim. As a person who has often felt impatient in both my life and career, these words of Franklin's have inspired me greatly to consciously practice and otherwise develop patience. It is also a sobering reminder that if I fall short in any of the realistic goals I have set for my life or career, it means I am either unwilling to put in the required work or I am failing to exercise sufficient patience. Either way, that's on me! In other words, if I fail to achieve my life's important and realistic goals in the end, I have no one but myself to blame. 

As you practice being patient in your own life, it is important to remember that authentic patience is an active, not a passive exercise. Being actively patient means a lot more than just waiting around for something to happen. It involves being consistently and productively creative, flexible, and proactive over time with an eye always on the "ball" (goal) while at the same time not being overly fixated on or obsessed about it. It is a paradoxical process that requires a delicate and strategic balancing act between earnestly chasing down your dreams while simultaneously letting your dreams find you when the time is right.  (2)  

It also involves continually developing your talents and capacities all along the way. It means that you remain positive and productive even during those frustrating moments in your life or career when you have more time than opportunities. After all, you tend to create opportunities in the future by wisely utilizing time in the present.

"Nature does not hurry; yet everything is accomplished."

~ Lao Tzu

One leader put it this way:

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"  (3)

As you practice patience in your life, you may find (as I have) that it is often the most challenging process in any undertaking or change initiative. Nevertheless, it is an absolutely essential ingredient to authentic change—or achieving anything else of lasting significance.

Lao Tzu
6th to 5th century BC

Just as a fruit, vegetable, tree, plant, animal, human being, couple, family, team, organization, community, state, nation, or world doesn't develop its full stature or maturation overnight, authentic changes usually require extended effort and focus over time to realize; there is no other way! As the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, once put it: Nature does not hurry; yet everything is accomplished.

"Nature does not hurry; yet everything is accomplished."

—Lao Tzu  

Moreover, you usually can't choose how much time it will take to realize a given change or goal in your life. Your only choice lies in deciding whether or not you will pay the price and endure to the end or give up when the going gets rough—and the process often will be tough; authentic change is rarely easily achieved, nor do significant accomplishments materialize overnight.  

Process 6.  Serendipity

Process six is less of a process and more of a present. The gift I speak of is a metaphysical phenomenon called SERENDIPITY. 

What exactly is Serendipity?

The dictionary defines it as: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.  (4)  At Freedom Focused, we define it as: The felicitous aid of unseen forces. 

SERENDIPITY

The felicitous aid of unseen forces

To fully realize change, you must develop the maturity to acknowledge, and the willingness to accept, the fact that you cannot accomplish everything all on your own. You often need help from other people and sources, and sometimes the source of that help—real though it is—will seem nebulous or otherwise unidentifiable.

Think about the last time you heard someone give credit to or otherwise thank "God," "Grace," "Mercy, the "Universe," their "Lucky Stars," their astrological sign, or just plain "Good Luck" for some inexplicable, yet palpable good fortune, instructive tutoring, or other blessing that came their way? When was the last time YOU did this yourself?

Serendipity is a term and concept used to generically describe these kinds of undeniable experiences made possible by forces and sources unrecognizable to the five senses that cannot be entirely accounted for or otherwise explained using logic, math, science, philosophy, or empirical data. 

The existence and occurrence of Serendipity is indisputable to anyone who has experienced it. Moreover, some individuals and groups harbor deep religious or spiritual convictions concerning its ontology and Source.

I, in fact, am one of them.  

In Your Journal

1. What addictions or bad habits do you struggle with?

2. Of all your addictions or bad habits, which ONE do you feel most prepared to begin tackling?

3. What is ONE thing you will do TODAY to begin the process of overcoming this addiction or bad habit?   

—Dr. JJ

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

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Chapter 2 Notes

1).  Smith, H.W. (1994). The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management: Proven Strategies for Increased Productivity and Inner Peace. New York, NY: Warner Brooks. Page 145. 

2).  A concept I once learned from my older brother, Joe.

3).  Uchtdorf, D. (2010). From a public address entitled, Continue in Patience. 

4).  New Oxford American Dictionary. Electronic App version.