Chapter 15
REFINING Stage
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| Refining oil is a complex process that involves complicated machinery and engineering. |
Your initial entrance into the Refining Stage may occur against a backdrop of some significant personal or professional achievement, success, or milestone.
For example, you may have finally graduated from college or trade school, received a graduate degree, earned a significant promotion at work, or just started a new business or entrepreneurial venture.
This "Victory" in the Practitioner's Stage was probably marked outwardly by a measure of pomp and circumstance, excitement, celebration, personal satisfaction, and possibly even public praise and adulation.
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| Graduation is exciting and should be celebrated! But remember that it is more of a beginning than it is an ending. |
Part of the difficulty of the Refining Stage stems from the stark contrast presented by this "High" point of victory, which is then followed up by a significant loss, or worse: a series of ponderous and soul-wrenching trials that follow one after the other for an extended period of time.
The celebration and praise that attends graduating from the Practitioner's Stage into the Refining Stage is usually a positive and satisfying experience. However, it does not mean that your trials are over; far from it, in fact.
In reality, it is more akin to the "Calm before the Storm" phenomenon observed in weather patterns, including thunderstorms, tornados, and in the case of a hurricane—the passage of the hurricane's eye in the middle of the tempest. Your temporary "Win" is merely a positive prelude to the fiery blasts of heat and pressure that accompany unanticipated adversities awaiting you in the Refining Stage.
But not self-action leaders!
While this is unquestionably a time of rude awakenings, set-backs, failure, rejection, and being ignored, it should never lead to capitulation or surrender.
A literal refiner's fire is hot enough to boil steel. Such intense heat is required to both purify and strengthen iron ore and other precious metals as they are melted, shaped, pounded, and then polished into finished products that are attractive, useful, and resilient. Such heat (adversity) is absolutely necessary to eliminate impurities and weaknesses that exist in precast ore.
Likewise, the agonizing, but crucial metaphysical refining process necessitates a certain amount of discomfort and pain. Thus, in many cases, authentic Existential Growth simply cannot occur without suffering.
The intense metaphysical heat found in the Refiner's Stage has the potential to produce the same effect on YOU as a self-action leader as the intense physical head found in an actual refiner's fire—although it can only accomplish these designs with your willing consent.
Herein lies a great irony: Life is going to provide you with refining opportunities whether you like it or not and whether you want them or not. But whether it changes you in developmental and positive ways is entirely dependent upon how you choose to respond to the adversity.
In other words, it is up to YOU—and you alone—to decide whether you will allow these trials (and the concomitant pain) to make you BETTER, or bitter. Either way, you are going to face the refining process and the agony that accompanies it. As such, it does make a lot of logical sense to choose to move forward in faith and grow from it rather than stand still and curse it.
If you are going to suffer no matter what, why not do everything in your power to make the suffering meaningful and productive; to make "an inner decision" to turn it into "an inner triumph." (2)
Fyodor Dostoevsky once coined a phrase to describe such mature and noble responses to human suffering. His words may be postured as a question as follows: "Are you worthy of your sufferings?" (3)
Some examples of trials you may encounter in the Refining Stage include:
- Job layoff
- Breakup or divorce
- Bankruptcy
- Loss of car, home, or other significant material or financial setback
- Severe personal or professional disappointment, failure, or rejection
- Serious physical illness or injury
- Onset of (or relapse into) addiction, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), nervous breakdown, or other mental, emotional, or social illness or malaise.
- Crisis of self-confidence and inner security
- Battling through an ethical, moral, spiritual, existential, familial, or other crisis.
- Death or serious (extended) illness of a loved one
- Feeling trapped in the "Existential Vacuum." (4)
What is the "Existential Vacuum" you ask?
According to Viktor Frankl, "the existential vacuum manifests itself mainly in a state of boredom." (5) In employing the term, Boredom, Frankl is not referring to an isolated incidence of casual ennui. Rather, he is describing a soul-deep, existential paralysis that is truly life-numbing.
EXISTENTIAL VACUUM
A soul-deep, life-numbing existential ennui and paralysis akin to depression.
I have spent my fair share of time in OCD-influenced existential vacuums over the course of my late teen, young adult, and early adult years. These episodes were accompanied by a related strain of depression wherein I felt a neurotic fear and dread of life itself. At such times, I found living to be an odious prospect and a gloomy chore. Existential panic attacks marked by darkness and dread partnered with these miserable states of being.
It was awful!
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Unlike adversity in the Beginner's Stage, which can be solved on lower levels of existential development, the trials of the Refining Stage occur after you have already experienced significant growth and progress. Thus, by the time you experience them, you're already relatively mature, experienced, and capable. As such, you have likely developed a level of personal esteem and self-confidence that may have led you to feel indestructible or untouchable.
Consequently, passing through the Refining Stage can be a profoundly humbling experience.
The goal of the invisible hand of the Refiner is to eradicate within you any lingering false sense of omniscience, omnipotence, or invincibility you may have previously felt. This is an important step in your Existential Growth because self-action leaders who rise above the Refining Stage are keenly and humbly aware of their limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses—no matter how successful they may have been in the past. The wisdom derived from this 20/20 metaphysical self-vision is one of the things that makes self-action leaders unusually capable and powerful after the refining process is complete.
Your own passage through the Refining Stage will provide YOU with an unmistakable opportunity to more fully comprehend the fatal folly of human hubris.
But the result was wonderful as many personal impurities (e.g. arrogance, ignorance, myopia, naivete, and selfishness) were gradually expunged from my mind, heart, and soul.
And that is precisely the goal of the Refiner!
My journey was so arduous, excruciating, long-lasting, and at times soul-crushing that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. On the other hand, and paradoxically, I kind of wish that everyone could have the opportunity to experience what I did because the rewards that have come post-refining have been entirely worth it. After all, there is only ONE way to extract pure gold from impure ore, and that is to refine it with scorching heat and pressure filled blasts of fierce and forceful power.
There is no other way.
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| A caterpillar must pass through an excruciating and extended process of extricating itself from its cocoon before it can stretch its wings and show off its full colors. |
This extraordinary journey of metamorphosis is as agonizing as it is exciting and extraordinary. While the caterpillar must struggle mightily to break free from the shackles of its cocoon, the brilliant and beautiful butterfly that emerges is truly magnificent to behold!
Theoretically speaking, any person would gladly accept and welcome refining because of the richness of the rewards on the far side of its poignant procedures. After all, it's the only way to realize your full potential and advance to higher levels of Existential Growth. Practically speaking, however, the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage can prove so intense and scalding that many give up before the process is through... or grow bitter and curse the trials rather than allow them to do their terrible, yet terrific, work.
This "melting" occurs as we begin to let go of arrogance, ego, self-deception, and bad habits that have previously polluted our potential. As flawed human beings, we too often maintain our grip on such things because it's what we've known in the past, are mired in bad habits, and/or are too easily seduced and discouraged by the scoffs and scorns of the crabs.
Doing so halts our progression in the same way that a dam stops the flow of a river.
We human beings are strange that way. Too often we are loathe to give up the very things that are certain to endanger or even destroy us in the end.
The goal of the Refiner is to coax you to "loosen your grip" on those things that harm you and hinder your Existential Growth until you eventually "let go" of whatever is harming yourself and/or others. But like Paraguayan Monkeys, human beings in general too often refuse to "let go" of the "Coconut Treasure"—whatever bad habit, vice, or other weakness—that is causing their downfall. As a result, we neither obtain the treasure, nor free ourselves from the grip of the coconut. (6)
It's a sad, self-imposed catch-22!
All self-action leaders who eventually attain the highest levels of Existential Growth must successfully pass through the Refining Stage and come out the other side humble, teachable, empowered, and motivated to, in-turn, teach, lead, and influence others.
Over time, the cleverest of these persons devolve into delusional demi-gods determined to poison the minds and hearts of anyone willing to listen to the pseudo truths of their cherished erroneous ideologies.
The result?
They voluntarily give up their opportunities for further Existential Growth and progress. In the process, they replace their own glass ceilings with self-constructed ceilings of steel-reinforced concrete. Said barriers are much more difficult to penetrate than glass, but are only impregnable to those who choose to hold onto their own way and either remain in the clutches of the Refining Stage or regress to lower levels of Existential Growth. It is a sad state of being, where you end up festering in the miserable confines of your own self-constructed prison cell.
If you had a relatively easy experience transcending the Beginner's and Practitioner's Stage, the adversity of the Refining Stage may prove even more unpleasant because you have not yet faced any serious trials in your life. For example, if you met with a lot of initial success and very little failure in the first three stages, you may be less prepared for the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage than others who may have already experienced similarly "Refining" moments in previous stages.
The Refining Stage brings the heat and power required to incinerate whatever issues are inhibiting a further rise in your Existential Growth. It also has the sharpness necessary to sever any lingering ties you may have with existential crabs. As you mature as a human being and self-action leader, the co-dependency of your past gradually grows into the independence of your present and then eventually into the interdependence of your future. (7)
The Refining Stage will prove your mettle by uncovering your inadequacies and insecurities and transforming them into strength and confidence. Along the way, it will test you to your very core. It will provide you with a golden opportunity to "partake of life's bitter cups ... [but] without becoming bitter." (8)
To transcend the Refining Stage, you must demonstrate high levels of constitutional, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, moral, and financial acuity, resilience, and self-reliance.
The Refining Stage provides you with an opportunity to prove to yourself and others that you are capable of facing extreme adversity and, with the aid of Serendipity, conquer it to emerge confident, courageous, morally oriented, and ready to pursue even greater growth.
The Refining Stage is an existential sieve.
It separates the humble and strong from the prideful and weak.
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| Ella Wheeler Wilcox 1850-1919 |
- What life experiences have you had in the past that felt like the Refining Stage?
- What experiences are you presently passing through that feel like the Refining Stage?
- What refining experiences do you believe may still be in your future?
- What principles and tools did you learn from this chapter that will help you through future Refining Stages?
—Dr. JJ
Author's Note: This is the 407th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013 and the 216th consecutive weekly blog published since August 31, 2020.
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Chapter 15 Notes
1. In his famous poem, If, the British Poet, Rudyard Kipling, instructs his audience to treat the twin “imposters” of “triumph and disaster” “just the same,” thus insinuating that human beings would be wise to avoid allowing themselves to feel “too high” or “too low” about their performance based on the social barometer’s current reading and commentary.
2. Frank, V. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Boston, MA: Beacon Press. Page 66 and 72.
3. Ibid. Page 66-67. Frankl quotes Dostevsky as follows:
"Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under [terrible] circumstances, decide what shall become of him—mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once: 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said of them that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful." (pages 66-67)
4. Ibid. Page 106 (see pages 106-108).
5. Ibid. Page 106.
6. Kenyon, R. (2017). Paraguay Monkey Trap: This is a story about letting go and generosity. Medium. Human Stories and Ideas. 2 December 2017. URL: https://medium.com/the-positopian/paraguay-monkey-trap-b6ea47781ca4
7. Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York, NY: Fireside.
8. Maxwell, N. M. (2004). Remember how merciful the Lord hath been. URL: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/remember-how-merciful-the-lord-hath-been?lang=eng
9. Self-action leaders inhabiting the highest levels of Existential Growth often retrospectively recognize that the most significant contributions of Serendipity and others were made in the midst of the Refining Stage, even though, ironically, it seemed at the time as though such help was the most absent.
10. Wilcox, E.W. (1889). Poems of Passion. Chicago, IL: Belford, Clarke and Co. Publishers. Page 131-132. Google Books version.
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