If you answered "YES" to any of the foregoing questions, then TODAY'S article is for YOU!
I particularly highlight Ty in this post because he is still in preschool, which only meets twice a week for three hours. This means I get to spend a lot more time with him during weekdays than I do his older brother (Tucker, age 9) and older sister (Kara, age 7), both of whom attend elementary school full-time (seven hours a day, five-days-a-week).
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With my Cub Scout kids near a South Florida beach.
Tyler (3), Tucker (9), and Kara (7)
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However, since this article focuses extensively on my adventures and journey as a stay-at-home dad, generally speaking, Tucker and Kara also feature prominently in this particular post.
Strange as it might sound, FAILURE has played—and continues to play—an important role in producing my present personal and professional circumstances—which constitute an unquestionably enviable situation that has made it possible to pursue my dream job as a writer, speaker, and leader while investing significant amounts of time every day absorbed in the most important work in which I could ever be engaged: the parenting of my own children.
As I reflect back on my 42 years in this world, I openly acknowledge I have been unusually blessed and prospered in my LIFE, my CAREER, and my FAMILY and other RELATIONSHIPS.
Why is this?
While I do not presume to comprehend all the mysterious machinations of Serendipity in my life and career, I do know at least a couple of things for certain.
FIRST, for as long as I can remember, I have had a deep desire and consuming intention to be a happy and successful person who, in-turn, contributes mightily to the welfare, happiness, and prosperity of others. As a result of this dual desire, I have spent thousands upon thousands of hours studying how to accomplish the aims of my desires—and then proactively applying what I have learned. Thus, my diligent study and dedicated exercise of Self-Action Leadership (SAL) has been a key component of everything good in my life. This has taught me the great truth that Universal Laws really do govern the consequences of our thoughts, speech, and actions over time, and that in the long run, all of us really do reap more or less precisely what we sow in our lives and careers.
SECOND, for whatever reasons, I have been cursed/blessed to have experienced an unusually extreme and extended menagerie of personal and professional FAILURES throughout my life and career.
Strange as this second reason may sound, it is as TRUE as the first reason. In fact, it is probably even truer than the first reason.
Why?
How can this possibly be the case?
What is it about temporary failure that produces so much potential for lasting SUCCESS?
I think the answer to this question is found in the fact that failure HURTS—sometimes agonizingly so! And as Benjamin Franklin once quipped: That which hurts, instructs.
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| Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) |
"That which hurts, instructs."
—Benjamin Franklin
Suffice it to say, I have suffered a great deal of pain in my life and career.
And it has been excruciating!
Pain alone, of course, does not lead to success or growth. But if we will open our minds, hearts, spirits, and wills to its diamond mine of insights, it can indeed be very instructive, thus contributing mightily to our knowledge and education—especially when that knowledge consists of TRUE PRINCIPLES proactively applied. When that happens, we begin to achieve wisdom and growth, which, in-turn leads to endless quantities and qualities of happiness, success, and inner peace.
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Shakespeare (Hamlet) nailed it...
The pangs of despised love are REAL and sometimes lasting. |
I don't know all the reasons why I was rejected 130 times by 80 different women before I finally found success in LOVE and MARRIAGE. But I do know that the indescribable anguish and crushing weight of those many and varied failures were absolutely indispensable in preparing me to meet, successfully court, and prove myself worthy to marry Lina Tucker—a woman who is even better than the woman of my dreams (Serendipity has the power to arrange AMAZING things like that in your life and career if you are willing to humbly submit to its whispered cues).Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's ROMANTIC failures and rejections.
I also don't know all the reasons why I have been ignored and rejected so often and so extensively in my career as I have tried diligently to share the message of Self-Action Leadership and Freedom with the world. But I do know that I wouldn't trade my present position as a professional blogger and stay-at-home dad for any other job in the world... except, that is, for a full-time position as Freedom Focused's CEO—a post that is gradually materializing as we speak, and that will fully animate itself in due course.
Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's CAREER failures and rejections.
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I have faced tremendous challenges with
my mental health throughout my life.
Click HERE to read My Story. |
Finally, I don't know all the reasons why it was my lot to struggle so mightily with my mental health via clinical obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and comorbid depression. But I do know that the courage, strength, authenticity, and resiliency I developed by learning to manage these ponderous challenges have served me
—and continue to serve me—very well in my life and career. Click HERE to read about Dr. JJ's struggles with MENTAL HEALTH.
Two self-leadership scholars, Alan Boss and Henry Sims, Jr., once authored an enlightening academic paper they entitled: "Everyone Fails!" In their insightful work, they write:
"To live is to experience failure. There appears to be no way around it. Sooner or later, everyone fails. Some failures are small and private ... other failures are larger and more public. ... All of us experience failure many times in our lives. Some fail miserably and get over it quickly, while others let it completely take over their lives. However, failure is not a permanent state, and there are actions [we can take] that can facilitate recovery. In particular, individuals who are adept at emotional regulation and self-leadership create their own opportunity to emerge from failure and return to a state of recovery" (1).
Thus, through the power of SAL, there is much we can do to ensure that our failures are not only temporary, but that they serve as the seedbed of future successes.
I founded
Freedom Focused in 2005 and serve as the organization's CEO—a position I intend to fill until at least 2040, when I will—like the first President of the United States, George Washington—voluntarily and willingly step down to make way for another leader to take my place. However, for most of the past 17 years, building
Freedom Focused has been a part-time gig for me—much the way it remains today.
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My Day Job consists of stay-at-home parenting
and homemaking for my wife and three kids:
Tucker (9), Tyler (3), and Kara (7) |
Along the way, I have done a variety of different things on a full-time basis to gain professional experience and make ends meet. From 2006-2016, these jobs included: substitute teaching, groundskeeping, full-time classroom teaching, and traveling around the country as a professional seminar facilitator/trainer.
My full-time job the past six (6) years has involved the stay-at-home parenting of my three precious children.
I have been extraordinarily blessed by this unique opportunity to serve in my own home. With that said, I am not going to lie... at times, the job has been
very difficult. And at other times, it has proven to be relatively easy.
Indeed... if there's one thing I've learned about being a stay-at-home dad, it's that there is little point or value in trying to
compare the roles of breadwinner and homemaker. Having filled both roles extensively throughout my life and career, I can say in all honesty and humility that each role is both challenging and rewarding. Plus, both roles have their plusses and their perks. One is not necessarily harder, easier, or more important than the other. Both functions are vital to the health and welfare of a fully-functioning family unit.
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Two of my favorite people in all the world:
Lina Marie and Tyler Jordan—
Picking strawberries in Homestead, Florida; March 2022 |
There are some days—and certainly parts of every day—when I wish that leading
Freedom Focused was my full-time job. On those days, it's hard to be patient as I anguishingly await
that unique professional opportunity to fully flesh itself out.
But there are also days—and parts of every day—when I am extremely comfortable and content
right where I am, and would change nothing about my life and career—even if I had the power to instantly do so.
You might say I've come a long ways from where I was back in early 2016 when I first began my stint as a stay-at-home dad.
And indeed... I have!
A few months before this important shift in my life and career occurred, I published the fifth (5th) edition of the SAL Textbooks. I had spent a dozen (12) years, thousands of hours of sweat equity, and earned a doctoral degree as part of this significant milestone and seeming capstone project in my career. And to be quite honest, after more than a decade of "blood, toil, tears, and sweat" (2), I felt as though surely the time had come when finally—FINALLY—my sacrifice was sufficient to allow me to go full time with my entrepreneurial professional aims.
I confess I was secretly hoping my time had come in part because I had very little interest in being a full-time stay-at-home parent. In fact—
and I'm a little ashamed to admit this—but honesty demands I do so... my hopes for my career success were secretly motivated in good measure by my earnest desire to obtain a "legitimate" (breadwinning) escape from having to spend an undo amount of time in the trenches of PARENTHOOD—where all the dirty work (often literally) takes place.
That was in early 2016—six, long years ago.
I know... it is, bar none, the best joke Life has ever played on me.
And Life continues to enjoy a nice, long, heartfelt belly-laugh at my expense (SMILE).
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Ty guy and I on a recent midday stroll
down a South Florida boardwalk. |
Over the course of the past six years, I have come to discover the truth of statements like: "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans" and "Grace is when God gives you something you
don't deserve, and mercy is when God doesn't give you something you
do deserve."
"Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans."
—John Lennon
"Grace is when God gives you something you don't deserve, and mercy is when God doesn't give you something you do deserve."
—Garth Brooks, et al.
As I survey my life's experiences and growth over the past six years, I find myself echoing the words of Garth Brooks, who graciously, gratefully, and humbly acknowledges that his "life has been full of GRACE and MERCY."
Amen, Brother...
Me too!
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| With my little Ty guy at the Beach |
And while I openly admit it sometimes seems like I've been blessed with a lot more "mercy" than "grace" within a context of this statement, I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing about the overall trajectory of my life and career—even if I could.
This fact has made me very grateful to Life (or as I believe, God) for exercising His omniscient will and power to overrule my own relatively myopic whims, wishes, and perspectives. Blessedly, this same sort of thing has occurred over-and-over-and-over again in both my life and career.
It has been an incredibly painful process of education, refining, and polishing. It has been so painful, in fact, that I would be unspeakably loathe to ever go through it again; thank God I don't have to! Nevertheless, I am extremely thankful for this refining operation and rejoice in my daily opportunities to patiently allow the process to play out according to its (much wiser) will rather than my own (relatively shortsighted) perspectives.
The Parable of the Currant Bush
When I was a little boy, my maternal grandmother—Ruth Pingree Smith (1907-1992)—told me a story I would never forget; a story that has, in intervening years, become one of my all-time favorites. The tale was originally told by a religious leader named Hugh B. Brown near the end of his life. The story was an autobiographical account from Brown's own life experiences. The setting for the story was rural Southern Alberta, Canada in the 1890s, when Brown was just an obscure farm boy helping his parents eke out a primitive existence on the recently settled Western Canadian frontier.
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| The pain of pruning precedes the GLORY of GROWTH. |
Brown grew up on a farm where there was plenty of hard work to be done. One day, Brown's work involved pruning a currant bush. After completing his labor, Brown looked down on the significantly truncated plant he had cut down to size with his pruning shears. As he did so, he imagined he saw a smattering of tears appear on the scarred branches which he had so drastically pruned—on purpose.
As he beheld these tears in his mind's eye, he imagined further that he heard the currant bush speak to him, and this is what it said:
"I don't understand; I thought you were the gardener here. You know, I was doing quite well before you started pruning me back. I was growing tall and strong—more so than many of the other bushes around this property. But now you've cut me down, and I don't understand why. I thought you were the gardener."
Brown then decided to engage this imaginary dialogue further by speaking back to the currant bush.
Said he:
"Oh, little currant bush; I am the gardener here, and I know what's best for you; and someday, when you are laden down with fruit, you will thank me for loving you enough to hurt you."
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| Great War Allied Soldier in uniform with combat gear. |
Years later, Brown found himself in Europe during World War I (1914-1918). He was a Canadian Officer (Major) on the rise in the British Army in the midst of the greatest conflict in world history up to that point in time.
Brown had performed well as a soldier. So well, in fact, that following the casualty of one of his comrades in battle on the Western Front, Major Brown stood in line to take the fallen man's place as a General Officer.
Brown was thrilled at the prospect of attaining such a high-ranking and prestigious career advancement. Beaming with excitement and brimming with pride, he polished his boots, pressed his uniform, and groomed himself in preparation to be received by the commanding general from whom he expected to receive his much sought-after promotion.
When the commanding General received him, Major Brown sharply saluted his superior. Somewhat curtly, however, the General snapped back at his subaltern:
"Sit down Brown."
Major Brown was taken aback by the General's tone, but obeyed his order to take a seat. The General then explained to Hugh that he had done his job well and had demonstrated in every particular that he was worthy of becoming a general. BUT... he was not going to become a general.
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Even the most successful people face disappointment,
failure, and rejection. In fact, sometimes the most successful
people are the ones who experience the most temporary failure. |
Just then, the General was interrupted and briefly stepped out of his office. Taking advantage of the General's temporary absence, Brown stepped over to the General's desk and glanced at his open file. In doing so, he discovered the reason he was not being promoted, and it involved a prejudice held by the British Empire against Brown's personal religious affiliation and convictions.
Devastated at this excruciating, unexpected, and unfair turn of events, a downcast and crestfallen Brown returned to his barracks, threw his hat on the cot, shook his fist at heaven, and angrily shouted at God: "How could you do this to me? I was doing my best and making such progress. Why have you cut me down?"
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| Pruning precedes a ripe and rich harvest. |
What happened next would change Brown's life forever. In his mind's ear, he heard a voice.
It was his own voice.
Speaking in low tones, it repeated the following:
"I am the gardener here, and I know what's best for you; and someday, when you are laden down with fruit, you will thank me for loving you enough to hurt you."
Although his ascent up the military hierarchy was finished, Brown's success in life was just beginning. After returning to Canada, he furthered his education, became a successful lawyer, and fathered a beautiful family of eight children with his wife, Zina.
Later, the very church which had served as an impetus for Brown's rejection by the British Army—a worldwide church with a couple million adherents at the time—honored Brown by calling him to serve in leadership positions at its very highest levels. As part of his religious service, Brown traveled the world teaching and influencing countless numbers of people. His was a good life filled with happiness, success, and meaningful contribution.
Near the end of this eventful and successful career and life, Brown gave a talk articulating the story shared above, which has since been retold countless times and positively influenced the lives of millions—including my own on many occasions over the course of my life.
Turned Down by West Point
I can personally relate to Brown on a couple different counts.
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In my personal life and career,
I am no stranger to REJECTION. |
First, I was once prejudiced against for my religious beliefs while working on my doctoral program. Compared to Brown's brutal rejection by the British Army, my own issue was a relatively minor incident that was (thankfully) resolved fairly easily by ending my academic relationship with one professor and building a separate relationship with another, less prejudiced faculty member who agreed to serve on my dissertation committee in place of the prejudiced teacher.
Second, in early 2016, shortly after retiring from my career as a traveling contract trainer/seminar facilitator, my immediate lack of SAL-training opportunities led me to apply for a hundred teaching positions at 70 different colleges and universities all over the world. Of all these positions and schools, there was one job in particular—at one very specific school—that I wanted more than any of the others.
It was a management teaching position at the United States Military Academy at West Point.
Since I was just a little boy, I have had a strong desire to serve my country. As a kid, I wanted to someday be President of the United States. Over the years my political ambitions have waned almost entirely, but my desire to serve my country in some other useful way has remained as strong as ever. Indeed, this patriotic desire to serve is a significant fueler of my motivation to publish these weekly blog articles.
In short, I have always possessed a deep desire to make a significant and positive difference throughout the United States and world—thereby leaving my nation and planet a better place than I found it back in 1979 when I inhaled my first breath of air on Planet Earth.
On two different occasions in my past, I considered the possibility of serving in the United States Armed Forces. The first occasion was shortly after graduating from college. My initial investigation was brief because I learned right off the bat that persons taking any kind of anti-depressant medication—which I was for OCD and depression—were automatically ineligible for service.
The second occasion occurred during a short-lived breakup with Lina in 2007—back when we were still dating. One of my roommates at the time was a Captain in the Army who had graduated from West Point and served a tour of duty in Iraq. Influenced by his career success in the military, I began to consider the possibility of pursuing a commission in the Army myself. Had Lina and I not gotten back together shortly thereafter, I may very well have pursued this consideration to full fruition (I was not taking any medication for my OCD and depression at the time).
Nearly a decade later, in early 2016, a third potential military-esque opportunity arose when a colleague of mine pointed me to a management teaching position that had opened up at West Point. With my entrepreneurial efforts stalled—as usual—I instinctively jumped at the chance and enthusiastically submitted my application.
To Lina's eternal credit, she supported this aim and ambition one hundred percent. She did so with the full realization that my getting the job would entail temporarily (and perhaps permanently) ending her own successful career, a significant reduction of our family's income, and a cross-country move away from the warmth and hospitality of Houston and to the chilly (albeit beautiful) climes of upstate New York.
Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you look at it—West Point rejected my application. To their credit, they sent me a very nice email explaining that 60 people had applied for the position and the decision-makers faced a difficult choice in selecting an applicant to fill the job.
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Teaching U.S. Army Cadets
would have been a dream come true. |
In addition to this cordial rejection letter, I was personally contacted by a representative of West Point encouraging me to submit my application to another, similar position that had more recently opened up. I optimistically followed these instructions, but was not selected for the other position either.
I was disappointed. Teaching at the United States Military Academy at West Point would have been a dream teaching job for a history-loving, military-enamored, patriot like me.
But it was not to be.
To make matters worse, West Point was not the only school to turn me down. I was similarly rejected by every other college and university (70 of them) I had applied to—and for every other position (100 of them) to which I had applied.
To add insult to injury, I was even rejected by two local high schools to which I applied—and interviewed—this despite having a year's experience teaching high school already on my resume. It was a deflating—and even a little embarrassing—experience that felt like a huge waste of my time. After all, it takes a LOT of time and effort to fill out 100 job applications, and it mostly consists of repetitive busy work!
Despite this life disappointment and seeming career setback, I would not—in hindsight—change anything, even if I could. The events and growth of the past six years in Lina's career—as well as my own—to say nothing of the incredible growth of our family relationships, have far surpassed whatever opportunities West Point (or any other school) could have offered—as interesting and valuable as those experiences would have been.
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I've experienced so much disillusionment, failure, rejection—and been ignored—so many times in my life and career that I've grown quite accustomed to it. Indeed, it hardly even bothers me anymore! |
Anyone who has followed my life and career closely is aware that
this anecdote is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg of the personal and professional adversity, challenges, failure, rejection, and mental illness I have faced in my life.
Moreover, the pain involved in these college teaching rejections was relatively slight compared to other, far more agonizing experiences I had experienced previously. Indeed, by 2016, I had already suffered so many disappointments and
seeming roadblocks and setbacks that all the college teaching application rejections were relatively easily (and quickly) absorbed—like water off a proverbial ducks back!
Suffice it to say, I have endured my share (if not much more than my share) of pruning in my life, the process of which has proved to be very difficult and painful. But just like that little currant bush, I have consistently and continually grown taller, stronger, and have borne more fruit as a result; and it is really still just the beginning for Freedom Focused and me.
Adventures in Parenthood
While I presently labor joyfully to publish a weekly blog, the majority of my time these days is spent the same way it has been spent for the past six (6) years—as a stay-at-home dad raising my three precious children.
Growing up, I never anticipated—or even dreamed—I would spend so much time caring for little children. Yet, interestingly enough, one of the data-points gleaned from a series of psychometric tests I took while getting help for my OCD and depression in college suggested that I might enjoy—and even be well-suited for—caring for young children. At the time, I found that piece of data a little odd; indeed, I confess to inwardly scoffing at—and even feeling a little embarrassed by—the very idea of being a caretaker of young kids.
That was just not the way I saw my life unfolding.
Boy is life capable of surprising and humbling us in BIG ways!
My journey shepherding little ones did not begin as a father. It started long before I ever got married—as an uncle (I have 28 nieces and nephews on my side of our family). Going back to my college days in the early 2000s, I spent portions of many days and nights with my nieces and nephews, including many occasions as their babysitters so their parents (my brothers and sisters) could go out on weekend dates with their spouses. These opportunities provided me with wonderful experiences that greatly strengthened and enriched my relationships with my nieces, nephews, and siblings. It was also preparing me for my future as a stay-at-home dad.
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Inside Bobby Dodd Stadium on the campus of Georgia Tech in Downtown Atlanta with the two cousins I tended during 2006-2007. |
After moving to Georgia, I spent nearly a year-and-a-half living in the same homes as my cousin and her husband and their two young boys. During this period of time, I spent a lot of time caring for these boys, including serving for several months as their full-time (paid)—and later as their part-time (paid)—caretaker. I did not know it at the time, but that experience was also preparing me to become a stay-at-home dad later on, and I will forever be grateful to my cousins for providing me with that much-needed opportunity, both financially and parentally.
I did not begin my labors as a full-time stay-at-home parent until three years after I had become a father. The first three years following the birth of our oldest son, Tucker, I spent working full-time as a professional contract trainer/seminar facilitator. That professional position took me all over the English-speaking world (i.e. U.S., U.K., and Canada).
After teaching 600 all-day seminars in 44 U.S. States, 9 Counties of the U.K., 5 Provinces of Canada, Washington D.C., Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, I grew weary and bored of a function that had become largely repetitive with relatively little room for further personal or professional growth, advancement, or increased remuneration.
Moreover, the position required I spend extensive time away from my home and family. Lastly, because it was a contractual position, there were no salaried benefits like health, dental, and other insurance—all of which accompanied my wife's employment. Moreover, my wife earned considerably more at her job than I did as a trainer.
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Washington D.C. ~ one of the many places I taught
professional seminars as a contract trainer from 2007-2016. |
As Lina and I considered these variables, we came to the conclusion that it really didn't make sense for me to continue contract training when the remuneration and growth opportunities were limited and I was spending so much time away from her and the kids. After all, we could easily make ends meet and save for the future with Lina's income alone. Thus, we determined the time was right for me to hang up my hat and retire from my career as a contract trainer.
And we have never looked back!
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2016 was undoubtedly the toughest year for me as a parent. Part of the difficulty came from being so new to the gig. And part of it came from the young ages of my two kids at the time (three and one), neither of whom had yet been potty trained! |
I confess the first year-or-so of my new duties as a full-time stay-at-home daddy just about killed me. The transition from being a traveling, professional seminar facilitator to caring for a three- and one-year-old—neither of whom were potty-trained yet—on a full-time basis was daunting, to say the very least.
Adding to the significant challenges of the job, I was called by my church that same year (2016) to teach an early morning seminary class to a dozen or so sophomores in high school. Considering I have never been on particularly positive terms with early mornings or teenagers, it was, you might say, a double whammy on top of my new and difficult position as a daddy. And if that wasn't enough of a challenge, I had a minor surgery on my foot that left me on crutches and/or limping for several months early into the school year.
The demands of teaching that early morning Bible class influenced my feeling zombie-like for much of my days, and I confess I stole many a nap when the kids were watching a cartoon or otherwise safely occupied. Near the end of that school year, Lina understandably voiced her concern about my continuing to fill the position beyond that first year and suggested it might be wise to ask for a release given my significant responsibilities at home.
She didn't have to ask me twice!
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Ty guy at the YMCA childcare center in The Woodlands,
Texas, with "Ms. Dolly"—one of our favorite caregivers. |
As difficult as that first year was, it did—like any other highly challenging task or undertaking—get easier over time as I began to round the learning curve, grow in my personal knowledge, capacity, and confidence, and otherwise figure things out.
In time, I discovered a routine that worked well for both the kids and me. My plans, procedures, schedule, and overall regimen wouldn't have won any Father-of-the-Year awards; but it was practicable and worked well for our unique dispositions and personalities.
The core of this routine involved a 2-hour visit to the gym on weekdays. The YMCA—and other gyms I have been a member of—have childcare services that will watch your kids for up to two hours each day while you work out.
Praise the Lord!
Exercising regularly has been my saving grace as a parent—and throughout other periods of my life. Accompanying the health and physical benefits of regular fitness are the inestimable blessings to my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It was also productive for the kids because they would get a change of scenery, company, and pace from the house, thereby providing them with positive exposure to teachers, friends, toys, and activities they did not have at home.
Around that core, I build in additional activities. Arts and crafts and other indoor activities aren't my specialty or strong suit, but we still managed to do a lot of indoor stuff, including reading, puzzles, LEGOs—lots and lots and lots of LEGOs (including Duplo)—simple, indoor, kid fitness exercises, and a great many creations using a plastic artistic material called "perler beads." And I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to admit I also use screen time (t.v., tablets, smart phone, computers) to fill in gaps and provide me with an opportunity to sneak in naps and take care of other work and responsibilities of my own involving Freedom Focused, church, scouting, home cleaning and maintenance, etc.
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| Kara with one of her LEGO (Duplo) creations. |
Most memorably
—and due in large part to my indoor inadequacies—I take every opportunity I can to take the kids out and about to see and do a wide variety of interesting activities out-of-doors. These excursions took us most often to children's and other museums, zooz, parks (oh, my, we've been to so many different parks in so many different cities and states!), and other outdoor adventures such as walks, hikes, and bike or scooter rides. As a runner, I also spent some time pushing my younger kids around in a jogging stroller while getting my own run in.And then there were the road trips.
Ahhhhhh... the road trips!
I've always loved road trips. Being a stay-at-home dad with a wife who works full-time has provided me with a variety of opportunities to take fun, interesting, and adventurous road trips with my kids.
We would call these excursions "Daddy Fun Week" for longer trips taken during summertime, and "Daddy Fun Weekend" or "Daddy Fun Overnight" for shorter jaunts during the school year.
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Packed, buckled, and ready for a week-long
trip to Arizona and Utah (from New Mexico)
in August 2020—just Daddy and the Kids. |
If I had to estimate, I'd say we've probably traveled together for at least 30,000 miles or more on the open road over the years—just the kids and me—while Lina was at home tending to her work obligations. Fortunately, Lina has joined us on many additional road trips; but the kids and I alone have many cherished memories of hitting the highways together—and staying overnight at hotels in a bunch of different states.And like me, the kids LOVE staying in HOTELS!
I confess I'm not much of a cook. Nay, that is too weak: with only a few exceptions, I despise cooking and food preparation in general. Thanks to fast food outlets and simple meals (mac'n'cheese, chicken nuggets, peanut butter sandwiches, etc.), fruit, and kids gummy vitamins, I've managed to keep my kids fed and relatively healthy.
I further confess that I've fed them (and myself) too much fast food. I've been on a first-name basis with a number of fast food service employees. There was "Argelia" at McDonalds and "Mr. Brad" at Taco Bell and "Mike" the Indonesian owner of "American Donut" (true story).
Whatever I lack in cooking capacity, I make up for in my ability to sweep, swift (mop), scrub, clean, and do dishes and laundry. However, I confess our standard for household orderliness does not include going to bed every night with a clean house. Our goal is to git 'er dun at least once per week—on Fridays—and the kids are pretty good at helping me straighten things up so Mama can come home to a nice, clean home at least once each week. She appreciates that... and our gratitude knows no bounds for everything she does for us at work. She is our everything—financially and otherwise.
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| Joyfully experiencing one of our many trips to Wendy's. |
During the Pandemic, I had the opportunity to spend more time with the kids than usual. Thankfully, my weekdays were broken up by an ace babysitter whom we would pay to come spend three hours with the little ones during the middle of the day so I could spend time biking, swimming, and running in preparation for an Ironman 70.3 triathlon. Our babysitter—a young high school aged gal—would often bring her little sister with her to watch the kids and the five of them would have a ball together while I was out exercising. It was a perfect opportunity for me to get a break from the kids—and for the kids to get a break from me! Sadly, the triathlon got cancelled due to the pandemic. But gratefully, when I contracted Covid-19 myself, my heart and body were in excellent shape due to all my cardiovascular and other fitness training, thus making my experience with the virus unusually mild for my age and station in life.
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Tuck & Kara busy at work in their virtual schooling
environment during the 2020-2021 pandemic school year. |
Although virtual schooling was challenging, one of the memories I'll cherish from my children's learning experiences during the 2020-2021 pandemic school year is the opportunity I had to tutor them personally. Considering I am a Doctor of Education, it makes sense I ought to liberally share my education and experiences in the teaching of my own children!
Educating My Kids in SAL
Even more important than tutoring my kids in their schoolwork, I strive to teach my children moral values. After all, I wouldn't live up to my self-appointed status as the "SAL-guy" if I didn't!
A home curriculum in SAL includes concepts of personal responsibility, a strong work ethic, relationship building and maintenance skills, and the fundamentals of fair, just, compassionate, and respectful human conduct and attitudes across the board.
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Power Tales have been a useful
part of my kids' "SAL Curriculum." |
I accomplish this first and foremost through my own example. Although I am admittedly a flawed example of SAL, I have observed that my best (albeit imperfect) efforts do have a noticeable impact on my kids. In other words, they really are a reflection of my own attitudes and behaviors—for better or for worse!
When I slip up and fail to live according to my own high standards in a given situation, I have the opportunity to own up to my errors, apologize where necessary, and communicate my recognition and acknowledgement of my own weaknesses, inadequacies, and need for continual growth and improvement.
This is the most important part of my kids' education because they will believe what they see me do much more than they will believe what they hear me say.
Nevertheless, it is still important to instill in my children an education in SAL by continually verbalizing these important values and standards to my kids. Notice that I employ the word "continually" as opposed to "continuously"—because all work and no play makes daddy a very boring parent, mentor, and pal!
I'm therefore a big believer that kids need as much healthy "FREE" time as possible. Part of this conviction stems from my own experiences growing up. My parents had high standards for me, but most of their expectations were implicit and assumed rather than explicit and demanded, thereby blessing me with a great deal of FREEDOM to plan my own time and pursue activities and achievements I was personally passionate about. I will be eternally grateful to them for this parenting philosophy and style, as it provided me with much leverage to grow and progress according to my own unique desires and at my own ambitious pace. This parenting philosophy extends to my leadership style as well. In the words of General/Governor Sam Houston of the Great Republic/State of Texas: "Govern wisely—and as little as possible."
"Govern wisely—and as little as possible."
—Sam Houston
As a parent, I therefore avoid slipping into the roles of slave driver or drill sergeant. But I do take advantage of every opportunity that arises to teach life lessons and other vital topics such as music, history, geography, philosophy, and art (Lina, my beautiful engineering wife, helps them with math, science, and their Cub Scout Pinewood Derby cars!). Honestly, most of my teaching moments are spontaneous; they arise out of real life moments that occur on a daily basis that carry the potential for a variety of educational opportunities.
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Power Tales have been a useful
part of my kids' "SAL Curriculum." |
I do, however, also take the responsibility to have certain "planned" or "scheduled" teaching moments as well. For example, we regularly study the scriptures of our faith and discuss matters of spiritual priority and importance together as a family. I further take advantage of various media resources (audio, visual, and textual) for the kids listening and viewing benefit.
A secular example of audio/visual education I've provided to my kids is the "Power Tales" books and tapes I received from my Aunt Nedra. My Grandmother Smith had these same books and tapes in her house when I was a boy and I myself had been deeply inspired by the stories and messages contained therein. Additional resources of this nature abound in our 21st century media-rich atmosphere in which we are privileged to live. Wise parents take advantage of these resources in the teaching of their children.
As important as SAL training in the schoolhouse and workplace is, it is even more important in the home. Boys and girls who receive a quality education in SAL-oriented principles and practices at home will almost always be more happy and successful as men and women in school and after they leave home. Indeed, many of the serious sociological problems facing schools and communities would largely melt away if parents were more reliable in magnifying their responsibilities as examples, mentors, and teachers in the home.
Never Giving Up on Freedom Focused
All along my journey as a full-time stay-at-home dad, I keep working to build Freedom Focused. To date, I've published academic papers (five of them) lots of blog articles (258), and additional iterations of the SAL Textbooks (the most recent 2-Volume version is the 6th edition and was published in 2019 by Cambridge Scholars Publishing out of the UK).
It gets better every time!
Additionally, I have invested significant amounts of time and effort marketing the SAL material to teachers, administrators, and coaches. I've also spent a considerable amount of time building a growing network of quality relationships with other like-minded educators and business professionals.
Despite all these efforts, the years keep on passing by without any significant break-through in my efforts—not counting my growing publication successes.
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Food preparation is one of the great bane's of life (for me).
Here, Tucker and Kara and I enjoy a fast-food pick-up picnic. |
In some ways, this continued stagnation of results has been unspeakably frustrating, disappointing, and, at times, even discouraging. But the more time that has passed, I've begun to notice that the pros of my situation increasingly outweigh the cons—so much so that I now realize if I could do anything else in the entire world other than what I am currently doing, there is only ONE thing I would trade places with/for, and that is to finally go full-time with Freedom Focused.It's a pretty healthy, safe, and blessed place to find myself.
Thus, it seems as though sometimes in life we may think we want something different than what we actually have only to discover later on that what we actually had was precisely what we wanted most all along!
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Come what may, I always try to take time with the kids to stop, smell the roses, chase a butterfly or two, and frolic a little— or just sit down and relax—in a lush, green, flower-laden meadow. |
Weird, eh? Yet that is the magical power of Life's endless Serendipity at work at its paradoxical best!
I'm not going to lie... being a stay-at-home dad at this point in my life has turned out to be a pretty sweet gig. I especially savor those moments I share with my little Ty guy—just the two of us basking in the glorious South Florida sunshine—at the park or beach, or after I pick him up from preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and before we head off to lunch. There really is no way to put a price on the value of the one-on-one time we are able to spend together each day—doing things like: relaxing on the grass next to the river, going on a hike through the forest, chasing down a butterfly, or playing together at the skate park—all of which activities are available within walking distance of his preschool. It is a rich source of personal JOY for me as a daddy and Ty guy seems to be pretty happy about the deal as well.
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Swinging on one of the scores of parks we have visited
in multiple different states. This one, in particular,
was near our home in Carlsbad, NM. |
Indeed, it's all evolved into a pretty AWESOME lifestyle. But that does not mean it is always easy. There are still moments everyday when I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy
—stay-at-home parenting will do that for/to anyone anxiously engaged in the midst of its topsy-turvy throes!
For example, writing this article has proved challenging because the kids have interrupted me at least a hundred (100) times (not an exaggeration) throughout the nearly week-long process required to organize, compose, and edit this longer-than-usual blog post. Indeed, I've had to deal with kids calling my name and crawling all over me (literally) from time-to-time along the way. When you are deep in thought trying to compose something educational and inspirational, it can be quite irritating to have a three-year old continually grabbing your face or chin and turning your head to pay attention to what he wants me to pay attention to.
But Ty guy—and Tucker and Kara—come FIRST, which means I often have to stop what I'm doing and tend to their needs and wants. I'm not going to lie—that can be annoying! But it's just part of the job, and if I want my kids to know that I love them more than my work, I must demonstrate that through my actions.
I'm not perfect at it; but I never stop trying.
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With Ty guy and the kids (see Kara's foot near my head)
at a picnic lunch in Hobbs, New Mexico; summer of 2020. |
Nevertheless, despite daily obstacles such as these, I continually remind myself how fortunate/blessed/favored/lucky (pick your adjective) I am to be right where I am. I further remind myself how envied I must be by countless others who currently find themselves in dead-end jobs or other life and/or career situations they despise—and in which they find little meaning.
I also remind myself daily that this unique period of my life will not last forever, but the results of my efforts along the way will.
Finally, I regularly remind myself that no matter how annoying or challenging or uncomfortable or obscure my work raising children may be, it is in fact the single most important work I could possibly be doing—and that gives my labor an incredible sense of MEANING and PURPOSE and IMPORTANCE.
Given all these variables and realities along my life's journey to date, the question begs: have all my failures really been FAILURES? Or were/are they really more like vital stepping stones to far greater SUCCESSES?
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Teaching a family history course at Lone Star College in
The Woodlands, Texas, with little Ty-in-tow. Spring 2019. |
I'll let you answer that question yourself.Moreover, at this point in time, is it really any skin off my nose that I have been rejected so often and by so many different people and organizations, both personally and professionally? Or, is it, perhaps more the loss of the rejectors and inversely my gain—and perhaps even exponentially so?
I'll leave that as a rhetorical question as well.
But rest assured I know the answers to these questions in my own mind and heart and this knowledge has rewarded me with much satisfaction, contentment, and INNER PEACE.
Suffice it to say, looking back over my life's adventurous and circuitous journey that has been so full of twists and turns and shifts and moves (45 and counting) and also missteps—followed by conduct evaluations and course corrections—I am so glad I was willing to face my fears and choose courage and action over merely playing it safe.
It's true... I could have lived a much simpler and easier life than I have. I could have made a lot of different choices than I did—and some of those choices made differently would have significantly altered and simplified my life in the short run. Moreover, choosing a more predictable pathway without as many challenges would have prevented an enormous amount of pain in the short-term.
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With kids at Fountain Hills, AZ, near
my childhood home in Mesa
"Daddy Fun Week" ~ August 2020. |
But in the LONG-RUN, I know with all my heart that the most painful thing of all would have been to have to look back and wonder "what might have been" if I had not chosen to take "the road less traveled?"In the words of a great nineteenth century American Poet:
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"
—John Greenleaf Whittier
And as that timeless twentieth century bard so eloquently penned:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
—Robert Frost
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On a midday hike with my kids near
Carlsbad Caverns National Park in
New Mexico ~ Summer 2020. |
In closing, I share a cherished quotes from one of my favorite athletic superstars. It is a quote I have repeated many times before—and a quote I will, no doubt, share many times again in the future. It was said by the greatest basketball player in the history of the game—a person with whom I proudly share a name.
"I have missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost over 300 games. Twenty-six (26) times I was trusted to take the game-winning shot—and missed. I have failed over, and over, and over again in my life; and that is why I SUCCEED."
—Michael Jordan
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| "Air Jordan" ~ Mesa, AZ, circa 1989 |
Self-action leaders recognize the so-called "Failures" of life for what they really are: opportunities to create future successes. In fact, self-action leaders take this concept one step further. To a self-action leader, there really is no such thing as failure. There are only stepping stones to success and cowardly capitulation (giving up / quitting).
And each of us is FREE to make our own choices in the matter.
I hope and pray that a growing number of self-action leaders out there will choose courage and endurance over capitulation and dishonor.
Thus, the so-called failures of our lives always carry the potential to become the seedlings of success—if we will patiently persist and cultivate the right attitudes, perspectives, and frames of mind all along the way.
I'm committed to do so until the day I die—and beyond.
Are you?
—Dr. JJ
March 30, 2022
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
Author's Note: This is the 258th Blog Post Published by Freedom Focused LLC since November 2013.
Click HERE for a compete listing of the other 257 FF Blog Articles.
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Tune in NEXT Wednesday for another article on a Self-Action Leadership related topic.
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Notes:
1. Boss, A.D., & Sims, H.P.J. (2008). Everyone Fails! Using Emotion Regulation and Self-Leadership for Recovery. Journal of Managerial Psychology. Volume 23, Issue 2, pages 135, 146.
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