REFINING Stage

Chapter 15

REFINING Stage

LAYER 4:  MESOSPHERE

The Mesosphere extends beyond the upper limits of the Stratosphere to about 50 miles (80 kilometers) above the surface of the Earth. Temperatures drop dramatically as you rise higher into the Mesosphere, making it the coldest place in all of Earth's atmosphere.

This layer is too high for airplanes, hot air balloons, and other Earth-bound flying contraptions, but too low for orbiting satellites. It is, therefore, a difficult level for meteorologists and scientists to explore and study. 

LEVEL 4:  Refining Stage 

Refining oil is a complex process that involves
complicated machinery and engineering. 

Like the Mesosphere, the Refining Stage is complicated, difficult to navigate, and mysterious. It is, in short, one of the most challenging and painful stages of all.

Your initial entrance into the Refining Stage may occur against a backdrop of some significant personal or professional achievement, success, or milestone. 

For example, you may have finally graduated from college or trade school, received a graduate degree, earned a significant promotion at work, or just started a new business or entrepreneurial venture. 

This "Victory" in the Practitioner's Stage was probably marked outwardly by a measure of pomp and circumstance, excitement, celebration, personal satisfaction, and possibly even public praise and adulation. 

Graduation is exciting and should be celebrated!
But remember that it is more of a beginning than it is an ending. 

Don't be fooled by these moments of temporary triumph. Instead, follow the advice of Rudyard Kipling and train yourself to treat the twin "imposters" of "Triumph and Disaster" the same. (1)  

Kipling's advice is sage, but not easily accomplished; it takes practice! But all self-action leaders must eventually learn this vital skill that comes with existential development and maturation.

Part of the difficulty of the Refining Stage stems from the stark contrast presented by this "High" point of victory, which is then followed up by a significant loss, or worse: a series of ponderous and soul-wrenching trials that follow one after the other for an extended period of time.

The celebration and praise that attends graduating from the Practitioner's Stage into the Refining Stage is usually a positive and satisfying experience. However, it does not mean that your trials are over; far from it, in fact.

In reality, it is more akin to the "Calm before the Storm" phenomenon observed in weather patterns, including thunderstorms, tornados, and in the case of a hurricane—the passage of the hurricane's eye in the middle of the tempest. Your temporary "Win" is merely a positive prelude to the fiery blasts of heat and pressure that accompany unanticipated adversities awaiting you in the Refining Stage.  

Many people naively enter this stage of their existential journey with high hopes that their troubles are now behind them—only to discover that their greatest challenges still lie ahead!

This realization may initially lead to profound disappointment, disillusionment, and a measure of discouragement—all of which is common, justified, and understandable.

Such adversity should not, however, be used as an excuse to give up—although many will decide to do just that.

But not self-action leaders!

While this is unquestionably a time of rude awakenings, set-backs, failure, rejection, and being ignored, it should never lead to capitulation or surrender.  

A literal refiner's fire is hot enough to boil steel. Such intense heat is required to both purify and strengthen iron ore and other precious metals as they are melted, shaped, pounded, and then polished into finished products that are attractive, useful, and resilient. Such heat (adversity) is absolutely necessary to eliminate impurities and weaknesses that exist in precast ore.

Likewise, the agonizing, but crucial metaphysical refining process necessitates a certain amount of discomfort and pain. Thus, in many cases, authentic Existential Growth simply cannot occur without suffering.   

The intense metaphysical heat found in the Refiner's Stage has the potential to produce the same effect on YOU as a self-action leader as the intense physical head found in an actual refiner's fire—although it can only accomplish these designs with your willing consent.

Herein lies a great irony: Life is going to provide you with refining opportunities whether you like it or not and whether you want them or not. But whether it changes you in developmental and positive ways is entirely dependent upon how you choose to respond to the adversity.

In other words, it is up to YOU—and you alone—to decide whether you will allow these trials (and the concomitant pain) to make you BETTER, or bitter. Either way, you are going to face the refining process and the agony that accompanies it. As such, it does make a lot of logical sense to choose to move forward in faith and grow from it rather than stand still and curse it.   

If you are going to suffer no matter what, why not do everything in your power to make the suffering meaningful and productive; to make "an inner decision" to turn it into "an inner triumph." (2)

Fyodor Dostoevsky once coined a phrase to describe such mature and noble responses to human suffering. His words may be postured as a question as follows: "Are you worthy of your sufferings?" (3)   

Some examples of trials you may encounter in the Refining Stage include:

• Job layoff

• Breakup or divorce

• Bankruptcy

• Loss of car, home, or other significant material or financial setback

• Severe personal or professional disappointment, failure, or rejection

• Serious physical illness or injury

• Onset of (or relapse into) addiction, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), nervous breakdown, or other mental, emotional, or social illness or malaise.

• Crisis of self-confidence and inner security

• Battling through an ethical, moral, spiritual, existential, familial, or other crisis.

• Death or serious (extended) illness of a loved one

• Feeling trapped in the "Existential Vacuum." (4)

What is the "Existential Vacuum" you ask?

According to Viktor Frankl, "the existential vacuum manifests itself mainly in a state of boredom." (5) In employing the term, Boredom, Frankl is not referring to an isolated incidence of casual ennui. Rather, he is describing a soul-deep, existential paralysis that is truly life-numbing.

EXISTENTIAL  VACUUM

A soul-deep, life-numbing existential ennui and paralysis akin to depression.  

I have spent my fair share of time in OCD-influenced existential vacuums over the course of my late teen, young adult, and early adult years. These episodes were accompanied by a related strain of depression wherein I felt a neurotic fear and dread of life itself. At such times, I found living to be an odious prospect and a gloomy chore. 

Existential panic attacks marked by darkness and dread conspired with these miserable states of being, making them even worse!  

It was awful!

Just as the mesosphere is the most difficult atmospheric level to explore, the Refining Stage often provides you with your life's most difficult challenges. As trying as your challenges may have seemed in the Beginner's Stage, the obstacles and suffering of the Refining Stage may prove even more excruciating. 

Unlike adversity in the Beginner's Stage, which can be solved on lower levels of existential development, the trials of the Refining Stage occur after you have already experienced significant growth and progress. Thus, by the time you experience them, you're already relatively mature, experienced, and capable. As such, you have likely developed a level of personal esteem and self-confidence that may have led you to feel indestructible or untouchable.

Consequently, passing through the Refining Stage can be a profoundly humbling experience.

The goal of the invisible hand of the Refiner is to eradicate within you any lingering false sense of omniscience, omnipotence, or invincibility you may have previously felt. This is an important step in your Existential Growth because self-action leaders who rise above the Refining Stage are keenly and humbly aware of their limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses—no matter how successful they may have been in the past. The wisdom derived from this 20/20 metaphysical self-vision is one of the things that makes self-action leaders unusually capable and powerful after the refining process is complete. 

Your own passage through the Refining Stage will provide YOU with an unmistakable opportunity to more fully comprehend the fatal folly of human hubris.  

This stage was by far the hardest I've ever experienced, and it will likely be the hardest you'll ever experience as well. For some, refining moments may be more prominent in one life area than another. 

My own personal refining stage came in the key life arenas of my mental health, career, and romantic relationships. This trio of deep and penetrating trials absolutely rocked my world and shook it to its core. The harrowing experiences that accompanied these challenges racked my entire being (mind, heart, and spirit) with indescribably intense metaphysical heat, pressure, and pain. 

It was agonizing!

But the result was wonderful as many personal impurities (e.g. arrogance, ignorance, myopia, naivete, and selfishness) were gradually expunged from my mind, heart, and soul.

And that is precisely the aim of the refining process!  

My journey was so arduous, excruciating, long-lasting, and at times soul-crushing that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. On the other hand, and paradoxically, I kind of wish that everyone could have the opportunity to experience what I did because the rewards that have come post-refining have been entirely worth it. After all, there is only ONE way to extract pure gold from impure ore, and that is to refine it with scorching heat and pressure filled blasts of fierce and forceful power.    

There is no other way.

A caterpillar must pass through an excruciating and
extended process of extricating itself from its cocoon
before it can stretch its wings and show off its full colors.

Refining is an ugly, but oh so necessary process in any kind of authentic growth. Whether you are a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon, a diffident, homely, and pimple-faced teenager gradually blooming into an attractive, capable, and confident adult, a shiny sword being forged in a blacksmith's shop, or a potential-laden personal leader being transformed into an authentic and kinetic self-action leader, things are rarely attractive when the refining process begins or when you are in the middle of it. But, when the procedure is complete, the final result can truly be an "out-of-this-world" transformation! 

This extraordinary journey of metamorphosis is as agonizing as it is exciting and extraordinary. While the caterpillar must struggle mightily to break free from the shackles of its cocoon, the brilliant and beautiful butterfly that emerges is truly magnificent to behold!

Theoretically speaking, any person would gladly accept and welcome refining because of the richness of the rewards on the far side of its poignant procedures. After all, it's the only way to realize your full potential and advance to higher levels of Existential Growth. Practically speaking, however, the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage can prove so intense and scalding that many give up before the process is through... or grow bitter and curse the trials rather than allow them to do their terrible, yet terrific, work.  

If YOU truly desire further Existential Growth, then you have no choice but to face up to its full fury and wrath and then push through to the other side with dogged determination. Simply stated, there is no other way to break down and melt away the dross and impurities that inhibit your long-term growth and progress. 

This "melting" occurs as we begin to let go of arrogance, ego, self-deception, and bad habits that have previously polluted our potential. As flawed human beings, we too often maintain our grip on such things because it's what we've known in the past, are mired in bad habits, and/or are too easily seduced and discouraged by the scoffs and scorns of the crabs. 

Doing so halts our progression in the same way that a dam stops the flow of a river. 

We human beings are strange that way. Too often we are loathe to give up the very things that are certain to endanger or even destroy us in the end.

The purpose of the refining process is to coax you to "loosen your grip" on those things that harm you and hinder your Existential Growth until you eventually "let go" of whatever is harming yourself and/or others. But like Paraguayan Monkeys, human beings in general too often refuse to "let go" of the "Coconut Treasure"—whatever bad habit, vice, or other weakness—that is causing their downfall. As a result, we neither obtain the treasure, nor free ourselves from the grip of the coconut. (6)  

It is a sad, self-imposed catch-22! 

All self-action leaders who eventually attain the highest levels of Existential Growth must successfully pass through the Refining Stage and come out the other side humble, teachable, empowered, and motivated to, in-turn, teach, lead, and influence others.  

All human beings face significant challenges and trials in their lives. Thus, all of us have the opportunity to be refined on some level. Sadly, some people refuse to be refined no matter how severe their adversity, how long their trials last, or how clearly their self-deceptions are exposed. 

Such persons will go to great lengths to justify why their way is the right way even—and perhaps especially—when it is in fact the wrong way. And the more ardent and energetic they are in their quest, the more convinced they become that wrong is right and vice versa. 

Over time, the cleverest of these persons devolve into delusional demigods determined to poison the minds and hearts of anyone willing to listen to the pseudo truths of their cherished erroneous ideologies. 

The result?

They voluntarily give up their opportunities for further Existential Growth and progress. In the process, they replace their own glass ceilings with self-constructed ceilings of steel-reinforced concrete. Said barriers are much more difficult to penetrate than glass, but are only impregnable to those who choose to hold onto their own way and either remain in the clutches of the Refining Stage or regress to lower levels of Existential Growth. It is a sad state of being, where you end up festering in the miserable confines of your own self-constructed prison cell.

If you had a relatively easy experience transcending the Beginner's and Practitioner's Stage, the adversity of the Refining Stage may prove even more unpleasant because you have not yet faced any serious trials in your life. For example, if you met with a lot of initial success and very little failure in the first three stages, you may be less prepared for the "heat" and "pressure" of the Refining Stage than others who may have already experienced similarly "Refining" moments in previous stages.

Bottom Line: everyone travels a unique pathway through life. None of us experience the exact same things at the exact same time as anyone else. 

The Refining Stage brings the heat and power required to incinerate whatever issues are inhibiting a further rise in your Existential Growth. It also has the sharpness necessary to sever any lingering ties you may have with existential crabs. As you mature as a human being and self-action leader, the co-dependency of your past gradually grows into the independence of your present and then eventually into the interdependence of your future. (7)

The Refining Stage will prove your mettle by uncovering your inadequacies and insecurities and transforming them into strength and confidence. Along the way, it will test you to your very core. It will provide you with a golden opportunity to "partake of life's bitter cups ... [but] without becoming bitter." (8)

To transcend the Refining Stage, you must demonstrate high levels of constitutional, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, moral, and financial acuity, resilience, and self-reliance.

The Refining Stage provides you with an opportunity to prove to yourself and others that you are capable of facing extreme adversity and, with the aid of Serendipity, conquer it to emerge confident, courageous, morally oriented, and ready to pursue even greater growth. 

The Refining Stage is an existential sieve.

It separates the humble and strong from the prideful and weak.

It is a poignant and potent reminder that life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you and you alone to decide.

 "Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you

and you alone to decide."  

—Cavett Robert

Not much is known about the mesosphere because it is too high for hot air balloons or airplanes, yet too low for orbiting satellites or space stations. This makes it the most mysterious of Earth's many atmospheric levels, and the most difficult for scientists to explore. 

Similarly, the Refining Stage produces a series of mystifying trials and challenges that will be uniquely tailored to YOU and you alone. These challenges will be incredibly difficult to understand and solve, and you will inevitably need the help of Serendipity and other people to safely navigate them.

While help from others will be essential in the Refining Stage, you must also come to recognize and accept the reality that no one else can take the journey for you; nor can anyone eradicate the pain and suffering inherent to this stage. In this sense, it is a very lonely journey—one that you must ultimately take alone, albeit with the ever-present aid of Serendipity, which is an unspeakable comfort upon which you should always seek to rely. (9) 

The poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, wrote a poem that eloquently articulates the loneliness of this unusually somber and trying stage of your Existential Growth and development.  

Solitude

Ella Wheeler Wilcox
1850-1919

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

   Weep, and you weep alone,

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

   But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

   Sigh, it is lost on the air,

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

   But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

   Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

   But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

   Be sad, and you lose them all,—

There are none to decline your nectar'd wine,

   But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded

   Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

   But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

   For a large and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

   Through the narrow aisles of pain. (10)

—Ella Wheeler Wilcox

In addition to being hauntingly beautiful poetry, these three stanzas are haunting—period!

Such is the nature of the Refining Stage!  

While passing through the adversarial depths of the Refining Stage, you may question whether it is worth it to keep striving. This vacillation of purpose occurs not only because the Refining Stage is so difficult and painful, but because it often lasts for extended periods of time. I have personally spent more than half of my life in this stage, and it was terrible! At times, the pain of the refining process in my life proved horrifically excruciating and seemed like it would never end.  

The GOOD NEWS is that eventually it did end, and I was able to graduate and move on to the next level in my Existential Growth—the Polishing Stage—which still has its challenges, to be sure, but in the aggregate, is not nearly as bad as the Refining Stage.  

Fortunately, not everyone will experience the Refining Stage as intensely as I did. For many (and perhaps most) people, your Refining Stage may not be as difficult and long-lasting as mine was. But no matter who you are, YOU will face a Refining Stage if you live long enough. 

The timing of the Refining Stage will vary for different people. Some will experience powerful refining experiences early on in their life. Others may experience the bulk of their refining in middle age. Still others may reach their golden years before their mind, heart, and soul's purest gold is refined.  

I was cursed—or blessed, depending on how you look at it—to experience deep, harrowing, penetrating, and powerful refining experiences during my teenage, adolescent, and young adult years. In my case, chronic mental, emotional, and social illnesses conspired with added career crucibles to dominate my life for over 30 years (1992-2023). It was a brutal, ongoing menagerie of malaises that relentlessly refined me. 

(see BOOK the SIXTH, Chapters 3-5 for detailed narratives of these refining life experiences of mine). 

The bad news is that this refining process was ponderously and profoundly challenging. 

The good news is that it has absolutely made me who I am today.  

No matter who you are, YOU will pass through refining obstacles and trials in your life. The question is not if, but when, what, and how long?

That is the bad news. 

The good news is that no matter what comes your way, if you are willing to focus intently, work hard, remain determined, and patiently endure the crucibles that come your way in the Refining Stage, you will come out on the other side strengthened, refined, ready, and motivated for the next level—the Polishing Stage.  

While my own Refining Stage will always carry echoes and reverberations of heartache, stress, and suffering, my progression—and all the physical and metaphysical accoutrements, blessings, and gifts that have accompanied it—is entirely worth it.

I would never desire or seek to pass through such excruciating times again. However, I also wouldn't trade anything in the universe for what I have become by enduring this refining process and passing through these trials. 

It is soooooooo WORTH IT!

I therefore urge YOU with all the energy of my heart, mind, and soul to cultivate the conviction that, come what may amidst the crucibles of the Refining Stage, you will consciously choose to never give up and eventually come out on top—a glorious place where your heart, mind, and soul will swell with thanksgiving because of what you have become.  

In Your Journal

• What life experiences have you had in the past that felt like the Refining Stage? 

• What experiences are you presently passing through that feel like the Refining Stage?

• What refining experiences do you believe may still be in your future?

• What principles and tools did you learn from this chapter that will help you through future Refining Stages?  

—Dr. JJ

Wednesday, September 4, 2024

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

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Chapter 15 Notes

1.  In his famous poem, If, the British Poet, Rudyard Kipling, instructs his audience to treat the twin “imposters” of “triumph and disaster” “just the same,” thus insinuating that human beings would be wise to avoid allowing themselves to feel “too high” or “too low” about their performance based on the social barometer’s current reading and commentary.

2.  Frank, V. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Boston, MA: Beacon Press. Page 66 and 72.

3.  Ibid. Page 66-67. Frankl quotes Dostevsky as follows: 

"Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under [terrible] circumstances, decide what shall become of him—mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once: 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said of them that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful." (pages 66-67) 

4.  Ibid. Page 106 (see pages 106-108).

5.  Ibid. Page 106.

6.  Kenyon, R. (2017). "Paraguay Monkey Trap." Positopian. Medium. 2 December 2017. URL: https://medium.com/the-positopian/paraguay-monkey-trap-b6ea47781ca4

7.  Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York, NY: Fireside.

8.  Maxwell, N. M. (2004). Remember how merciful the Lord hath been. URL: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/remember-how-merciful-the-lord-hath-been?lang=eng

9.  Self-action leaders inhabiting the highest levels of Existential Growth often retrospectively recognize that the most significant contributions of Serendipity and others were made in the midst of the Refining Stage, even though, ironically, it seemed at the time as though such help was the most absent.

10.  Wilcox, E.W. (1889). Poems of Passion. Chicago, IL: Belford, Clarke and Co. Publishers. Page 131-132. Google Books version.

The CHALLENGE and QUEST to Become

 

Chapter 12

The CHALLENGE and QUEST to Become 

Three (3) acorns that had fallen from a
Mighty English Oak in suburban London, UK.

"Our ordinary mind always tries to persuade us that we are nothing but acorns and that our greatest happiness will be to become bigger, fatter, shinier acorns; but that is of interest only to pigs. Our faith gives us knowledge of something much better: that we can become oak trees."  (1) 

—E.F. Schumacher

This is no ordinary self-help book.

Ordinary self-help books tell you what you must do to get something. They are typically transactional in nature, providing quid pro quo solutions to your problems (e.g. do this and you'll get that).

This Life Leadership textbook is different.

        It is transformational.

A Mighty English Oak in suburban London

My goal in writing it is to shift your focus from getting something to becoming something. (2)  For those still concerned about getting as part of your SAL efforts, you can put your mind at ease because there will be plenty of getting along the pathway of becoming! 

Years ago I taught a series of professional writing seminars throughout England, Scotland, and Wales. During my time in Great Britain, I had a chance to behold the "Mighty English Oak"—that I had heard about all my life—for the very first time. The picture of the oak tree on this page is of one of these mighty English oaks; and the accompanying picture features three acorns that had fallen from this same tree. 

I still have these acorns I scooped up off the ground underneath that mighty English oak that warm autumn afternoon in Merry old England. As I hold these acorns in my hand, I marvel at the profundity of their potential to become so much more than they are. Indeed, I feel a sense of holiness and reverence as I contemplate what those little seeds—smaller than my thumb—can potentially become.  

A Young Winston Churchill in uniform
at the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst

Winston Churchill, arguably the greatest wartime leader in all of British (and Western) history, and a man known for his sharp and witty humor, once quipped: "We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm." 

"We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm."

—Winston Churchill

I believe one of the key ingredients in Churchill's remarkable success as both a human being and leader was his conviction that his life mattered and his career was important and had meaning beyond a mere paycheck and health insurance policy. Fortunately, YOU and I don't have to be a Winston Churchill to believe this same thing about your own life and career.  

The truth is that none of us are merely "worms," as Churchill's trademark wit so comically suggested; we are all infinitely more than that. A more apropos analogy than worms and glow worms is acorns and oak trees.

It's great to be an acorn.  But it's infinitely
greater to be an acorn-producing Oak Tree!

Sadly, there are many acorns (people) who lack the vision that they can become oak trees. Sadder still, there are those who have a vision of their potential, but do not believe they are capable of rising up to it. Saddest of all, there are those who both envision and believe in their potential, but for a variety of reasons, get distracted along the way and decide it isn't worth the price required to become an oak tree. 

As a result, they settle for becoming what E.F. Schumacher referred to as "bigger, fatter, shinier acorns."  (3)  Instead of elevating their perspective, vision, intentions, and reality to becoming an oak tree, these people prefer to focus on getting material possessions, getting praise and prestige of the world, getting away with bad behavior, or doing the bare minimum to just get by. 

Acting in order to get something is not inherently dishonorable. To a certain extent we are all necessarily invested in this lower form of human activity. Acting in order to become, however, is a fundamentally different way of thinking, acting, and existing. It is a higher plan of human thought, speech, and behavior. 

For example, instead of habitually showing up late and doing just enough work to get paid and keep your job, a self-action leader shows up to work on time (or early), consistently gives their best effort, continually exemplifies personal integrity, helps their coworkers be successful, and eventually gets promoted. 

The base of a massive, solid OAK TREE
in suburban London, England

When you think, speak, or act to get something, you may obtain the object of your desire. But when you think, speak, and act to become something, you gradually grow beyond acorn status and into a towering, majestic, and mighty oak tree. 

Your personal and/or professional growth, aided by Serendipity (i.e. sun, rainfall, fertilizer, time, etc.) transforms your very being into something greater and more substantive than it was before. In turn, you become more free, influential, and powerful. You also become a recipient of all the blessings, rights, and privileges that come with being an oak tree—privileges, rights, and blessings that are not afforded to acorns.  

Existential Growth and freedom do not come automatically with the onward march of time. They are not "rites of passage." They must usually be earned. This is why it is possible to meet a mature teenager or young adult whose outlook and behavior are existentially ahead of an aged retiree wasting away in a nursing home, whose physical feebleness is only exceeded by one's existential bitterness.

On the flip side, I have also met teenagers who were rebellious and ungrateful hellions and aged retirees who, despite their atrophying physical bodies, harbored much wisdom and radiated countenances that shone like the angels of heaven. The point of these comparisons is that the passage of time alone is never a guarantee of becoming. Knowledge, skills, wisdom, maturity, growth, success, happiness, freedom, and inner peace always come with a price, and no one is exempt from paying that price. Such desirable states of being do not come freely as a result of attaining a certain age or stage of life. That is why, in the words of Henry Miller: If there will be any peace it will come through being, not having.

"If there be any peace it will come through being, not having."

—Henry Miller

Learning, studying, and applying SAL principles and practices over time has absolutely transformed my life. It has helped me to become someone far greater than I was before. Along the way, ignorance, awkwardness, and foolhardiness has been replaced with knowledge, wisdom, and poise. Fear has been swallowed up in courage and faith. Diffidence has given way to confidence as confusion and disillusionment has been transmuted into visionary empowerment and hurtful practices have been replaced with helpful habits.

None of this came fast or easy; as my dad taught me when I was growing up: things worth having never do. Indeed, a high price in sweat, toil, tears and years was required to realize much sought-after growth, progress, happiness, success, freedom, and inner peace. But it has come... and is still coming—a bit at a time, each and every day—and the difference is telling; just ask anyone who knew me 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, or 35 years ago. In a very real sense, I'm a different person than I was back then.

Where do you see yourself in a year? 

        How about five, 10, 15, 20, or thirty years into the future?

What are you doing right now as an acorn to gradually become an oak tree in the future? Regardless what may have transpired in your past, there is always hope for the future. I am reminded here of the inspiring words of Tony Robbins, who pointed out that: The past does not equal the future.

"The past does not equal the future."

—Anthony Robbins

No matter how hopeless things may seem right now, you can always begin today to create a better tomorrow... for the rest of your life.  

HABITS and the FOUR LEVELS of COMPETENCY

As human beings, we are creatures of habit. Depending on what our habits are, this can be a positive or a negative thing. Consider the following poem, an all-time favorite (4) of mine:

Who Am I?

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.

I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.

I am completely at your command.

Half the things you do you might as well turn over to me,

And I will do them quickly and correctly.

I am easily managed, you must merely be firm with me.

Show me exactly how you want something done,

And after a few lessons I will do it automatically.

I am the servant of all great people,

And alas, of all failures as well.

Those who are great, I have made great!

Those who are failures, I have made failures!

I am not a machine;

Though I work with all the precision of a machine,

Plus the intelligence of a person.

You may run me for profit or run me for ruin;

It makes no difference to me.

Take me, train me, be firm with me,

And I will lay the world at your feet.

Be easy with me and I will destroy you.

Who am I?

I AM HABIT!

~ Anonymous

The process of becoming involves a step-by-step journey of developing positive and constructive habits while concurrently breaking and undoing negative and destructive ones. 

The FOUR LEVELS of COMPETENCY model (5) provides an enlightening and useful framework for understanding the steps that lead to the creation of habits.

LEVEL 1:  Unconscious Incompetence: You are unaware of your own ignorance of—and inability to do something.

LEVEL 2:  Conscious Incompetence: You are aware of your own ignorance of—and inability to do something.

LEVEL 3:  Conscious Competence: You possess a basic knowledge of—and growing ability to do something.

LEVEL 4:  Unconscious Competence: You know and can do something without even thinking about it. A new habit has been formed and is fully operative. 

REAL LIFE EXAMPLES of the FOUR LEVELS of COMPETENCY in ACTION

LEVEL 1:  A kindergartner has never heard of algebra.

LEVEL 2:  A sixth grader learns that he/she will take algebra in middle or high school.

LEVEL 3:  A ninth grader enrolled in algebra 1 can solve algebraic problems with conscious effort and help from one's teacher.

LEVEL 4:  A college student enrolled in calculus reflexively works through routine algebraic equations.

Have you ever been driving down the freeway and thought to yourself: "I have no memory of the last 20 miles; I must be a hazard on the road!" Assuming you have good driving habits and are well-practiced behind the wheel, you are, in reality, quite safe in the midst of these seemingly extended "zoned-out" sessions. 

It's not that you aren't paying attention; you are simply driving on the highest level of competency (LEVEL 4). 

When you first got your driver's license, you could not drive on LEVEL 4; you had to practice and develop good habits until you could. 

Chances are you spend a significant portion of your day operating on LEVEL 4, especially if you are an adult. Many of the activities that all of us perform are completed on a level of "unconscious competence." 

For example: breathing, eating, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, walking, doing the dishes, etc. Depending on the habits you have developed, this can be a good, or a not so good, thing, depending on the kind of habits you have developed.  

Processes of Learning

Breaking old, negative habits and replacing them with new, positive habits requires self-awareness, focus, and repeated action. Most importantly, you must exercise the determination, patience, and persistence to not give up when the going gets tough.

To become, you must do.

        But before you can do, you must know what to do. This means you must learn, and in order to learn, you must exert the effort to read, study, ask, and observe. 

This three-step process provides a basic formula for becoming, as follows:

• To become, you must do.
• To do, you must learn.
• To learn, you must read, study, act, and observe.  

This chapter identifies three different learning processes, all of which are vital to doing and becoming.

These processes are:

• Learning
• Relearning
• Unlearning

The FIRST process—learning—refers to understanding something for the first time. 

The SECOND process—relearning—refers to reviewing something you learned in the past, but have forgotten about, or are not currently doing.

The THIRD process—unlearning—refers to breaking a bad habit and replacing it with a new, more helpful habit.

Of the three learning processes, unlearning is typically the most challenging. This is due to the inherent difficulty involved in breaking an old, already ingrained habit, which requires that you go back to levels two and three after you are already used to performing a behavior on LEVEL 4. 

Backtracking levels of competency always forces you out of your comfort zone, which is usually an unpleasant place to find yourself.

The following exercise provides a simple example of why unlearning can be so challenging.

STEP 1:  Fold your arms.

STEP 2:  Notice which arm is on top (e.g. in the picture below, the man's RIGHT arm is on top).

STEP 3:  Now refold your arms by putting the opposite arm on top (e.g. in the picture below, the woman's LEFT arm is on top).

How does it feel to change which arm is on top?

Unless you are already accustomed to folding your arms both ways, it most likely feels awkward and uncomfortable to change how you fold your arms. When you first tried it, you may have even struggled to figure out how to do it the opposite way. 

After you finally got it right, did you think to yourself—or even vocalize—how strange or unusual it felt? Did you perhaps conclude that the new way was the "wrong" way? Or did you catch yourself going back to the old way so that it could feel "right" again?

With this exercise in mind, how many times do you think you would have to fold your arms in the new way (LEVEL 3) before the new way felt as normal as the old way originally did (LEVEL 4)? The answer to this question would vary from person-to-person. 

However, if you are like most people, it would take folding your arms in the new way for dozens, scores, or even hundreds of times before the new way felt as comfortable and "normal" as the old way—before a new habit is formed.

Have you ever known someone who broke a hand or lost an arm and had to learn to write with the other hand? In many cases, it takes weeks or even months of practice before a person can write as proficiently and neatly as they are accustomed. 

Have you ever known someone who moved to a different country and had to learn how to drive on the other side of the road? If so, ask them how long it took to get used to driving on the opposite side of the motorway? Chances are good it took them several months to feel comfortable driving in the "new" way. And for many, the "new" way never becomes as easy as the "old" way, even if they spend years driving on the "new" side.

Such can be the difficulty of breaking an old habit and developing a new one.

I live in the southeastern United States. Many years ago, my wife and our newborn son and I spent 16 days on a business trip in Great Britain. Neither of us had ever driven on the left side of the road. 

My wife, Lina—bless her heart—did all the driving while we were there, but after dozens of hours of motoring all over the British Isles for over two weeks, it still had not become automatic for her to drive on the left-hand side of the road, nor had her anxiety completely dissipated. Although we had a lovely trip, Lina was, at least from a driving standpoint, relieved to get back home to USA roads again.  

Consider another example: buttoning your shirt. 

Reflect for a moment on how you don a dress shirt. Do you button your shirt from the "bottom up" or from the "top down"? Or perhaps you do neither because you start in the middle and work "up and down." 

I remember the day I learned there were people in the world that buttoned their shirt from the "bottom up." Silly as it might sound, as a "top-downer," I was flabbergasted to discover there were people in the world who were "bottom-uppers"! 

"Why in the world would someone button their shirt from the "bottom-up?" I queried. "That's silly!" I thought to myself. My next response—a very natural one, I might add—was to conclude that buttoning one's shirt from the "bottom up" was the "wrong" way. After all, that is not the way that I do it. 

Such a sentiment is, of course, complete nonsense! Nevertheless, it just goes to show the erroneous nature of some of our natural inclinations as human beings.   

The morning after learning of the existence of "bottom-uppers," I curiously attempted to try it their way. You probably won't be surprised to hear that it took me several times longer to button my shirt that day!

These simple examples and exercises illustrate the inherent difficulty in breaking old habits and replacing them with new ones. Doing so, however, is possible; and the keys to your success are simple, but not easy. 

The key to success is: Consistent and Persistent PRACTICE.

Training yourself to do something new is often challenging; but training yourself to do something in an alternative way than you are accustomed to can prove downright devilish in its difficulty. Thankfully, the words "difficult" and "impossible" are not synonymous terms. We can change bad habits and replace them with good ones.

In fact, the possibility of changing your own nature and inclinations lies at the very root of Self-Action Leadership.

Changing habits—including natural inclinations with which you were born—is made possible by the malleable nature of our neurological systems. As a human being, we all have something animals do not, and that is the capacity to examine our inclinations and behavior to determine whether they are the kind of inclinations and behaviors we actually want to have and exhibit.

Thanks to your prefrontal cortex (or frontal lobe)—the part of your brain that regulates behavior, engages in social and moral reasoning, and is responsible for planning and decision making—YOU have the power to consciously and intentionally alter deeply ingrained habits and inclinations over time.

If you persist in making desired changes, those alterations can eventually develop into new, positive habits that, in time, become as deeply ingrained as your old, negative, and undesirable habits once were. 

This is the GOOD NEWS of SAL; it is also the miracle of humanity—a power to which the rest of the animal kingdom is simply not privy. It is one of the primary phenomena that places human beings on a fundamentally higher existential plane than animals and plants. 

How long does it take to get rid of a bad habit or negative natural inclination and successfully replace it with a good habit or positive natural inclination? 

Good question!

It has been said that it takes 21 days of consistently exercising a new action for that behavior to become a habit. Other will suggest various other amounts of time and effort. 

The truth is that it totally depends.

This is because many variables are at play in the formation of a habit. For example:

• How long ago was the habit formed?
• How often do you engage in the habit?
• How addictive is the habit?
• How deeply ingrained is the habit?

Likewise, many variables are at play in the attempt to break a habit. For example:

• What environmental (i.e. circumstantial and situational) factors are at play?
• How great is your desire and will to actually alter your thoughts, speech, and behavior involved in the habit?
• How great is your determination to persist through negative inertia, temptation, and failure?
• How willing are you to accept help from others?
• How willing are you to open yourself up to Serendipity along the way?  

Suffice it to say, some habits are more easily broken, altered, and reformed than others. 

For example, if your home loses power in a storm, you will probably retrain yourself stop flipping the light switches after three-to-five failed attempts. On the other hand, if you have smoked cigarettes for 20 years, you aren't likely to break the nicotine habit after resisting your first three-to-five cravings.  

When I endeavored to stop sucking my finger at age 10, it took two-to-three years before I stopped craving the addiction.  (6)  Despite the difficulty of breaking the habit, I am very grateful I persevered because it would be quite embarrassing if I was still sucking my finger in my mid-forties!

As a self-action leader, YOU always have choices to make regarding the habits and orientations you will cultivate in your life and career. What habits are you presently choosing to nurture? What consequences will arise from your present choices? Are these the consequences you desire in the long run? We could all benefit from asking ourselves these questions on a regular basis throughout our lives. 

At best, life in this world is not easy. 

        In many ways, it can prove devilishly difficult.

Yet its greatest beauties and opportunities usually lie on the other side of our greatest trials and troubles. But you have to be willing to both travel and endure the journey that takes you to the far side of adversity. If you just sit there—or worse, lie down and give up—life will continue to thrash you over-and-over-and-over again. 

Don't let negative inclinations and bad habits beat you up and keep you down. In the ongoing battle against life's many trials, decide and determine today that whatever the cost, you will eventually emerge as the victor.

In discussing the subject of meeting and defeating adversity, I am always inspired by the incisive observation of Cavett Robert, said that: Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you and you alone to decide.

"Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or

polishes you up is up to you and you alone to decide."

—Cavett Robert

Who Am I?

Who am I?

        Why am I here? 

                Where am I going?

                        What is my life's ultimate purpose?

These questions rank amongst the most important questions you can ever ask yourself. Arriving at positive and productive answers that deeply resonate with your mind, heart, and spirit ranks among the greatest accomplishments you can possibly achieve as a self-action leader. 

In conjunction with figuring out who you really are, it is equally important to discover who you really aren't. Many people live their entire lives deluding themselves about who and what they really are and/or aren't. We have all made this mistake to varying degrees; I know I have!

For example, I once believed I was destined to be an Olympic Gold Medalist and a professional basketball player. As lofty and potentially noble as those aspirations may have been, neither goal turned out to be realistic for me to pursue. 

Other ambitions I held as a boy included becoming a fantastic pianist, learning multiple foreign languages, and even being elected President of the United States, none of which I came even close to realizing, in large part because I discovered over time that I was poorly suited for piano, politics, and languages other than English.

As a boy, there were few limits to my youthful ambitions. From a sanitation engineer (garbage man), heavy equipment operator, builder, plumber, electrician, engineer, architect, lawyer, broadcast journalist, professor, actor, director, and psychologist, I wanted to be just about everything at one-time-or-another.

In the end, I discovered that none of these career paths were right for me.  

As a teenager I often felt frustrated because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to be "when I grew up." As a young adult attending college, I still didn't know what I wanted to major in until I was nearly finished with my general course work (the halfway point). Even after I graduated with my bachelor's degree, I struggled for many years gaining clarity about my long-term professional objectives. 

Discovering who I really am has been a long, laborious, and often confusing journey; and is by no means a finished business! Along the way I had to fight valiantly against external forces and voices that sought to discourage me or pull me down. I also had to face a measure of my own self-doubts. In the end, I was able to unlock my authentic identity with a clarity that has undergirded every meaningful achievement in my life and career to date.

It is incredibly illuminating and empowering to know who you really are.

Knowing who I am has enabled me to create, organize, and polish this Life Leadership textbook. This incredibly valuable self-knowledge provides me with untold lucidity and vision concerning the purpose of my life and the power of my possibilities to achieve both personally and professionally and contribute meaningfully to the lives of others all along the way. 

Who are YOU?

You will never realize the full scope of your authentic potential until you know who you really are—as well as who you really aren't.

I sincerely hope that this Life Leadership textbook will serve you in a meaningful way along the pathways of your own exciting and essential journey through this life, which leads to those picturesque peaks and verdured valleys that exist on the far side of your current crises and crucibles.

However challenging—or even impossible—your life might seem right now, I promise you that there is always HOPE for a better and brighter future. And it is worth whatever time and effort may be required to travel through your trials to the promised land that awaits on the other side. 

I reiterate here the inspired words of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., who so wisely discovered the desirability and value of the simplicity on the far side of complexity. Said he: I wouldn't give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity; but I would give my right arm for the simplicity on the far side of complexity.

"I wouldn't give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity;

but I would give my right arm for the simplicity on the far side of complexity."

—Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

In Your Journal

• Who are you?
• Why are you here?
• Where are you going?
• What is the purpose of your life?
• What do you believe your ultimate potential is in your:
• Education?
• Career?
• Relationships?
• Life legacy?

 

SAL Master Challenge

EXERCISE  #4

Self-action leaders

Learn, Relearn, and Unlearn

Based on what you learned in BOOK the SECOND Chapter 12 about learning, relearning, and unlearning...

What is something you need to learn?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is something you need to relearn?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is something you need to unlearn?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Outline a plan below to effectively replace a bad habit with a new, better practice.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I have completed the SAL Master Challenge EXERCISE #4

Your initials:__________         AP initials:__________

—Dr. JJ

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA

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Chapter 12 Notes

1.  Schumacher, E. F. (1977). A Guide for the Perplexed. New York, NY: Perennial. Page 135.

2.  Oaks, D.H. (2000). The Challenge to Become (Speech). 

3.  Schumacher, E. F. (1977). A Guide for the Perplexed. New York, NY: Perennial. Page 135.

4.  Once, at a Smith family reunion, my Uncle Hyrum recited this poem from memory during a family talent show.  

5.  The Four Levels of Competency model was developed by Noel Burch at Gordon Training International in the 1970s.

6.  See BOOK THE SECOND, Chapter 2: A Formula for Change for an account of breaking my finger-sucking habit at age ten.